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Dear Nation, We, the State of Florida, would like to apologize for not being able to count. We knew our schools were lagging behind the rest of the nation, but we never knew just how badly things were here. Maybe its from all that pesticide we use to control those giant palmetto bugs. Maybe its from too many margaritas and Jimmy Buffet. Maybe, just Maybe, the glorious Florida sun has baked our brains just a little too much. We also want to apologize that even after hundreds of years of voting, we are not aware of the fact that we can only pick ONE Presidential candidate and not two. Some of us thought down here in the Sunshine state that we could pick a first choice and then a second choice. Kinda like when we vote for our favorite Disney character. Oh well. Again, sincere apologies, we have our abacus' out and we are starting over and we swear we will get it right this time. Sincerely, The Citizens of State of Florida
NEW YORK (AP) The New York Mets announced today that they are going to court to get an additional inning added to the end of game 5 of the World Series. The batting, pitching, and bench coaches for the Mets held a press conference earlier today. They were joined by members of the Major League Players Union. "We meant to hit those pitches from the Yankee pitchers," said the Met's batting coach. "We were confused by the irregularities of the pitches we received and believe we have been denied our right to hit." One claim specifically noted that a small percentage of the Mets batters had intended to swing at fastballs, but actually swung at curve balls. It was clear that these batters never intended to swing at the curve balls, though a much higher percentage were not confused by the pitches. Reporters at the press conference pointed out that the Mets had extensively reviewed film of the Yankees pitchers prior to the World Series and had in fact faced the Yankees in inter-league play earlier in the year. "The fact remains that some of the pitches confused us and denied us our right to hit," said the Mets batting coach. "The World Series is not over yet and the Yankees are celebrating prematurely." Major League Baseball has reviewed the telecast of all the World Series games and recounted the balls and strikes called by the umpires of each game. "While some of the strikes called against the Mets were, in fact, balls, there were not enough of them to change the outcome of the World Series," the commissioner said. Another portion of the Mets legal claim stated that, based on on- base percentage, the Mets had actually won the World Series, regardless of the final scores of the games. "It's clear that we were slightly on-base more often than the Yankees," said a Mets spokesman. "The World Series crown is rightly ours." The manager of the Mets has remained in relative seclusion, engaging in some light jogging for exercise. He has stated that he believes "we need to let the process run its course without a rush to judgment."
America the home of the Free2try
In an emergency session of Congress, an official change to the name of one of the United States was declared. As of noon today, November 14, 2000, the state formerly known as Florida will officially be renamed Floriduh.
A Word from The Doctor About the Election
Electoral College! I'm here at ground zero, taking the pulse of the nation. I just asked several voters what they think of the Electoral College. Here's what they said,,,,,, MIDDLE-AGED WOMAN: "The Electoral College is fine, but I'd rather send my kids to a private college." TWENTY-SOMETHING MAN: "The Electoral College is unfair to those of us who never went to college. We should get rid of it and instead have an electoral high school." TEEN-AGE GIRL: "I learned in school that the Electoral College was created by our founding fathers. I think it would work better if they had remembered to consult our founding mothers." SIXTY-SOMETHING MAN: "I support the Electoral College. I just wish more people would attend it. Then maybe they'd learn how to vote properly." HARVARD MAN : "Who would hire an Electorial College graduate ? BILL GATES : " I never even finished college, but if the Electorial College is for sale I'll buy it." BLOND : "I think I dated a guy from that school."
NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE To the citizens of the United States of America, In the light of your failure to elect anybody as President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves and, by extension, the free world, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories including New Jersey. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, please comply with the following acts: 1. Look up "revocation" in the now official Oxford Dictionary ($75). Start spelling English words correctly. 2. Learn at least the first 4 lines of "God Save The Queen" 3. Start referring to "soccer" as football. 4. Declare war on Quebec and France. 5. Arrest Mel Gibson for treason. 6. Close down the NFL. Learn to play rugby. 7. Enjoy warm flat beer and steak and kidney pudding. Train waitresses to be more aggressive with customers and not to tell you their names before you eat. 8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday; this has been replaced with November 5th. 9. All members of this British Crown Dependency will be required to take 6 weeks' annual vacation and observe statutory tea breaks. 10.Driving on the left is now compulsory - recall all cars to effect the change immediately. 11. Report to our Consulate General in NY - M Wragg - for your new passport and job allocation. 12. Have Meg Ryan report to the Prince Andrew's Bedchamber. 13. Add the Royal insignia to the top of the Washington Monument - and the Queens Christmas speeches to the Lincoln Memorial. 14. Stop referring to the World Series of Baseball and instead call it the National Series of USA, Cuba and Japan. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisiton of all revenues due (backdated to 1776). Thank you for your cooperation and have a nice day!
WASHINGTON D.C. - Following an emergency meeting Thursday morning, the U.S. Congress unanimously voted to excise Florida from the United States of America. The move was a reaction to the confusion and irregularities in the state's voting numbers that have totally disrupted the 2000 Presidential election. "This is the last straw," said Utah senator Orin Hatch. "First Elian Gonzales, now this." Several congressmen told reporters the decision has been a long time in coming. "We're all pretty much sick of Florida," said Mass. Representative Barney Frank. "They've been a constant embarrassment for too long now." Added Frank, "They had Dan Marino for a while, but what have they done lately? Oh! - That's right, screw up our entire democracy. I forgot" In a speech on the Senate floor, Massachusetts senator Edward Kennedy commented that the loss of Florida's sizable elderly population will free up billions of dollars in social security funds. "These are valuable funds which can now be redirected toward national defense. We can finally rebuild our demoralized, weakened military," said the Senator to roaring applause. From her New York campaign headquarters, freshly elected Senator-Elect Hilary Rodham Clinton echoed the sentiments of her future colleagues on Capitol Hill, calling Florida "a hurricane-addled hellhole full of scheming Cuban immigrants." "Learn English already, you banana boat bums," Clinton added. Dynamiting will begin in the Florida panhandle next Wednesday, after which the state will be completely geographically separated from the United States. "After that, they're on their own," said Hastert. "I hope they sink."
Be sure to punch the right spot!
THE PALM BEACH POKEY <sung to the tune of: Hokey Pokey!>
You put your stylus in,
You put the Gore votes in,
You bring your lawyers in,
You let your doctors spin,
You do the Palm Beach Pokey,
Job Opportunity! STATE OF FLORIDA - VOTING COMMISSIONER IN CHARGE OF RECOUNTS The State of Florida has an exciting short-term opportunity for a talented, single and high minded individual who is fast both in mind and on their feet. As the new voting commissioner, you will have the chance to sift through over 6 MILLION votes cast in last week's presidential election.
QUALIFICATIONS:
JOB POSITIVE:
JOB NEGATIVE: Florida is an equal opportunity employer.
A Workable Solution! Americans have always been know to like compromises. Possibly a simple compromise could resolve this election without all the pain and recriminations of a prolonged vote count dispute. Bush can be president on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. Gore can be president on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays. And on Sundays, Lieberman can be president so Bush and Gore can go to church.
Recall Notice! Due to the Fact that the Election may have been thrown by South Florida Residents punching the wrong buttons, the U.S. consumer Safety and Product commission is also warning south Florida residents to stay away from these items containing buttons or selective columns that are closely positioned:
1. Vending Machines (note: new manuals on the operation of the above listed devices will be issued as soon as a new president is elected)
Washington DC A teacher asked one of her pupils, "Can you name our nation's capital?" The reply was, "Washington DC" When asked what the "DC" stood for, the pupil added, "Dot com!"
Guess what?!?!? I won the Florida lottery! I'm now a multi-millionaire! Can you believe it?! I'm bouncing off the walls here! You see, my ticket doesn't have the exact winning numbers on it, but I meant to pick those winning numbers. The ticket is very confusing when I was filling it out and so I ended up with the wrong numbers on my card. But since I really meant to pick those other numbers, they're going to give me the money anyway!!!! They really shouldn't make those darn cards so hard to fill out!!! And even though I was confused, I didn't ask for help because no one would have helped me anyway. If the FL State Lottery won't give me the money, I'll just sue them!!!
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Politicians and diapers have one thing in common:
Dear USA,
We, the people of Florida, are holding this election results hostage. The People of the State of Florida
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