| GOD: Frank, you know
all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there in
the Midwest? What happened to the dandelions, violets, thistle and stuff
I started eons ago? I had a perfect, no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants
grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The
nectar from the long lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honeybees and
flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But
all I see are those green rectangles.
ST. FRANCIS: It's the tribes that settled
there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers "weeds"
and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.
GOD: Grass? But it's so boring.
It's not colorful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds or bees, only grubs
and sod worms. It's temperamenta Do these Suburbanites really want all that
grass growing there
ST. FRANCIS: Apparently so, Lord. They
go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by
fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.
GOD: The spring rains and
warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the
Suburbanites happy.
ST. FRANCIS: Apparently not, Lord. As
soon as it grows a little, they cut it-sometimes twice a week.
GOD: They cut it? Do they
then bale it like hay?
ST. FRANCIS: Not exactly, Lord. Most
of them rake it up and put it in bags.
GOD:They bag it? Why? Is
it a cash crop? Do they sell it?
ST. FRANCIS: No Sir. Just the opposite.
They pay to throw it away.
GOD: Now let me get this
straight. They fertilize grass so when it does grow, they cut it off and
pay to throw it away?
ST. FRANCIS: Yes, Sir.
GOD: These Suburbanites must
be relieved in the summer when we cutback on the rain and turn up the heat.
That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.
ST. FRANCIS: You aren't going to believe
this, Lord. When grass stops growing so fast, they drag out those hoses and
pay more money to water it so they can continue to mow it and pay to get
rid of it.
GOD:What nonsense. At least
they kept some of the trees, That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say
so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade
in the summer. In the autumn they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket
to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. Plus, as they
rot, the leaves form compost to enhance the soil. It's natural circle of
life.
ST. FRANCIS: You better sit down, Lord.
The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they
rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.
GOD: No. What do they do
to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter and to keep the soil moist
and loose?
ST. FRANCIS: After throwing away the
leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it
home and spread it around in place of leaves.
GOD: And where do they get
this mulch?
ST. FRANCIS: They cut down trees and
grind them up to make the mulch.
GOD: Enough. I don't want
to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts.
What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?
ST. CATHERINE: Dumb and Dumber, Lord.
It's a real stupid movie about...
GOD: Never mind, I think
I just heard the whole story from St. Francis. |
