KEEP SMILING HOME PAGE | KEEP SMILING DIRECTORY | FREE NEWSLETTER
March 14, 1999 Issue # 99
To Ireland
A man, stumbles up to the only other patron in the bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course," comes the reply.
The first man then asks, "Where are you from?" "I'm from Ireland," replies the second man. The first man responds, "You don't say. I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland." "Of course," replies the second man and they both pour back their drinks.
Curious, the first man then asks, "Where in Ireland are you from?" "Dublin," comes the reply. "I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin!" The men both continue drinking.
Curiosity strikes again and the first man asks, "What school did you go to?" "St. Mary's," replied the second man. "I graduated in '62." "This is unbelievable," the first man says. "I went to St. Mary's and I graduated in '62, also!"
About that time, in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender. "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Mally twins are drunk again."
You Might Be a Redneck IF
You think the stock market has a fence around it.
Your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool.
Your home has more miles on it than your car.
Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
Your momma has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
You've totaled every car you've ever owned...and they are still parked outside.
You burn your front yard rather than mow it.
Fewer than half of your cars run.
You've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.
He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!!"
"What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on an innocent look.
"The pub called. You left your wheelchair there again."
Paddy was found dead in his back yard, and as the weather was a bit on the warm side, the wake was held down to only two days, so his mortal remains wouldn't take a bad turn. At last his friends laid him in the cox, nailed it shut & started down the hill into the churchyard. As it was a long, sloping path and the mourners were appropriately tipsy, one fellow lurched into the gatepost as they entered the graveyard. Suddenly a loud knocking came from in the box. Paddy was alive! They opened the box up and he sat up, wide eyed, and they all said, Sure, it's a miracle of God! All rejoiced & they went back and had a few more drinks but later that day, the poor lad died. Really died. Stone cold dead. They bundled him back into his box, and as they huffed and puffed down the hill the next morning, the priest said, "Careful now, boys; mind ye don't bump the gatepost again"
Irishman, Englishman and a German are caught in Saudi Arabia drinking. "Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?" said the prison guard to the Englishman just before lashing him. The English
man, being a bit of a cricket fan, asked for linseed oil. When they lashed him on a post and let him go to catch his flight back to London he groaned and crawled to the airport. Next came the German. "Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to
something on you back, what would you like?" said the prison guard "Nothing" said the German and, after receiving his lashes spat on the ground, called the prison guards Schisers and started off towards the airport. The guards then came to the Irishman. "Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?" "Oh", replied the Irishman, "I'll take the German".
Irishman finds a Genie lamp and rubs it. Out comes the Genie and asks "Master you have released me from the lamp and I grant you three wishes, what would you like" Irishman scratches his head, then answers "A bottle of Guinness that never gets empty. "Granted master" retorted the Genie and produced the bottle. The man was delighted and got drunk on this one magic Guiness bottle for weeks then he remembered that he had two other wishes. He rubbed the lamp again and the Genie appeared. "Yes master, you have two more wishes, what would you like?" "You know that magic, never ending Guinness bottle" he asks the Genies. "Well, for my final two wishes, I'd like another two of them"
His wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning Finnegan. "Did she say anything before she died?" asked the sergeant.
"She spoke without interruption for about forty years," said the Irishman
Mobile Phone
An Irishman bought a mobile phone. While he was showing it off in the pub the phone rang. He answered it only to hear his wife`s voice on the other end.
"Yikes!" he remarked, "how did you know I was here!?"
How can you tell the Irish guy in the hospital?
He's the one blowing the foam off of his bedpan.
The Shamrock, The Irish & S†. Pa†rick
"You tell us that there are three gods and yet one,"a puzzled Irishman said to St. Patrick, "How can that be?"
The saint bent down and plucked a shamrock. "Do you not see," he said, "how in this wildflower three leaves are united on one stalk, and will you not then believe that there are indeed three persons and yet one God?"
Thus, according to Irish legend, Ireland's patron saint chose the shamrock as a symbol of the Trinity of the Christian church.
To this day the shamrock remains the national emblem of Ireland and is worn proudly by Irish people on St. Patrick's Day all over the world.
Yet no one can agree on which plant is the shamrock picked by St. Patrick. Many claim it is the small hop clover, a plant with yellow flowers and blue-green leaflets. Others believe it is a variety of white clover or the black medic. These plants are native to Europe and naturalized in North America. The European wood sorrel, which grows in Europe and Asia, is also often considered to be the true shamrock. Still, it is the enduring image of the shamrock that brings images of leprechauns, St. Patrick's Day, and Irish heritage.
THE FRIEND AT SUPPER.....
"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."
"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!"
"I know all that."
"Then why did you invite a friend for supper?"
"Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."
Happy St. Patrick's Day from Dandy Lions Pers...
I tell you, women drivers are a hazard to traffic. Driving to work this morning on the beltway, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a Mustang doing 65 miles per hour with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner!
I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane.
It scared me so bad I dropped my electric shaver in my coffee, and it spilled all over my cell phone!
The Obiturary
Mrs. Pete Monaghan came into the newsroom to pay for her husband's obiturary. She was told by the kindly newsman that it was a dollar a word and he remembered Pete and wasn't it too bad about him passing away. She thanked him for his kind words and bemoaned the fact that she only had two dollars. But she wrote out the obituary, "Pete died." The newsman said he thought old Pete deserved more and he'd give her three more words at no charge. Mrs. Pete Monaghan thanked him and rewrote the obituary:
"Pete died. Boat for sale"
The Smarter Sex?
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."
Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely!"
"This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man, The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."
The Italian and the Polish parachutists were arguing about who was best at folding a parachute. Unable to resolve their dispute on the ground, they decided to go up in the plane and judge by the midair performance of their chutes.
The Pole jumped first, pulled the cord, and started floating toward the earth. The Italian jumped, pulled the cord - and nothing happened. He pulled the safety cord - nothing. In a matter of seconds he whizzed past the Pole, plummeting like a stone.
"Oh," shouted the Pole, yanking off his harness, "so ya wanna race!"
Two Blondes were walking down the street. One noticed a compact on the sidewalk and leaned down to pick it up. She opened it, looked in the mirror and said, "Hmmmmm, this person looks familiar."
The second Blonde said, "Let me look! The first Blonde handed her the compact. The second Blonde looked in the mirror and said, "You dumb ass, it's me!"
Are you Polish?
A guy goes into the store and says to the clerk, "I would like some Polish Sausage."
The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"
The guy says, "Well, yes I am. If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian??? or if I had asked for German sausage, would you ask me if I was German?? Or if I had asked for a taco would you ask if I was Mexican?"
The clerk says, "Well, no."
The guys says, "Well, why do you ask me if I'm Polish just because I ask for Polish sausage????"
The clerk says, "Because this is a hardware store."
(True Story)
A man walked into a Western Auto Store.
"Can you fix my flat tire sir?" he asked.
"No sir, I'm sorry. We sell tires, but we don't have the equipment to fix them," replied the young clerk. "We usually tell folks to take their car to the Ashland station down the road."
"But I just passed the Ashland station. It's closed!"
"Hmmm, That's right. They do close at 5. Well we do have Fix-A-Flat. It can't really fix your tire, but it may get you down the road to the next station."
"I'll try it," the customer answered. He paid with cash and started out the door.
"Sir," said the young clerk, "Be sure your valve stem is at either 4 or 8 o'clock when you fill it, OK?" "OK," he answered. He then went outside, looked at the tire, looked at his watch, re-entered the store and asked, "Sir, it's a quarter-to-four, think it'd be allright to go ahead and fill that tire now?"
What is a Cat?
1) Cats do what they want.
2) They rarely listen to you.
3) They're totally unpredictable.
4) They whine when they are not happy.
5) When you want to play, they want to be alone.
6) When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7) They expect you to cater to their every whim.
8) They're moody.
9) They leave hair everywhere.
10) They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.
Conclusion: They're tiny little women in fur coats.
What is a Dog?
1) Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house
2) They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room.
3) They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
4) They growl when they are not happy.
5) When you want to play, they want to play.
6) When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7) They are great at begging.
8) They will love you forever if you rub their tummies
9) They leave their toys everywhere.
10) They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.
Conclusion: They're tiny little men in fur coats......
Just a Bad Day
A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?"
"My mother died in June," he said, "and left me $10,000."
"Gee, that's tough," he replied.
"Then in July," the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me $50,000."
"Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed."
"And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000."
"Three close family members lost in three months? How sad."
"Then this month," continued the friend, "nothing!"
Remember when sending E-mail to blind your list so there will not be a long headerlist.
Also copy and paste so all the old headers are removed
A man attempting to set up his new printer called the printer's
tech support number, complaining about the error message: "Can't
find the printer." On the phone, the man said he even held the
printer up in front of the screen, but the computer still couldn't find it!
Remember to send in the things you think are funny so we can share them ...Send your e-mail to Othrrggrs@aol.com
A few nights ago a few friends and I were in a bar, telling all the polish jokes we knew; boy what a feast! Anyway, I ducked into the restroom to sprinkle the old porcelain. While I was in there, this big guy came in and said to me, "Hey pal, I'm Polish and I don't like you telling all those Polish jokes!"
So I said, "Well, they're not against you, pal, just against anyone in Poland."
"My mother is in Poland!" He screams, and pulls out a razor.
Boy was I scared! I was sure he would have killed me if he had found a place to plug it in!
It's all for free and just waiting for you check it out !
Keep Smiling's Free Stuff and Trial Offers
This takes only a moment of your time ...Please support KEEP SMILING by clicking on the link below.
Please visit our sponsor today, click the banner below!
Make money, click here to join the Ad Club Network