A TV can insult your intelligence,
but nothing rubs it in like a computer
Hey everyone,
Boys Will Be Boys
Three mischievous boys went to the zoo one day for an outing, since they had been at school all week.
They decided to visit the elephant cage, but soon enough, they were picked up by a cop for causing a commotion.
The officer hauled them off to security for questioning.
The supervisor in charge asked them to give their names and tell what they were doing at the elephant cage.
The first boy innocently said, "My name is Gary, and I was just throwing peanuts into the elephant cage."
The second added, "My name is Larry, and all I was doing was throwing peanuts into the elephant cage."
The third boy was a little shaken up and said, "Well, my name is Peter, but my friends call me Peanuts."
How Cold?
Two friends from upper Michigan were talking about how cold it got last winter where each of them lives. "It was so cold, even conversation froze in the air," says Paul. "There was a terrible babble in the spring when all those words finally thawed out."
"Humph," grumped Kurt. "It was so cold, it even froze the flame on my candle. In exasperation, I plucked it off and threw it out my cabin door. Yessiree, it was a bad last winter! But, not as bad as spring, of course."
"Why, what happened then?" asks Paul.
"Well," replies Kurt, "come spring, the candle flame thawed out and burned down my cabin."
Library Rules
My grandson, Chris, has worn glasses since the age of three. When he was in the first grade he came home one day very distressed. Wanting to find out what was the matter, his mother asked, "Chris, what happened today to upset you so much?"
He answered, "It's not fair -- I'm not allowed to go to the library."
His mother became very concerned and asked, "Why aren't you allowed to go to the library?"
With a tearful reply he said, "Because, in order to go to the library you have to have supervision, and I wear glasses!"
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Gifted Redneck
One of our local rednecks, Billy Joe Bob, while a total idiot, was a gifted portrait artist. His fame grew and soon people from all over the country were coming to him for paintings. One day, a beautiful young woman pulled up to his house in a stretch limo. She asked Billy Joe Bob if he could paint her in the nude.
This was the first time anyone had made this request. The beautiful lady said money was no object, she was willing to pay $50,000. Not willing to get into trouble with his wife, Billy Joe Bob asked the lady to wait while he went in the house and conferred with his wife. In a few minutes he returned and told the lady he was willing to do it.
However, he would have to leave his socks on so he would have some place to wipe his brushes!
DO NOT CLICK ON THE BIG RED BUTTON
How to Get Rich!
Man standing at podium with a banner behind him stating "How to Get Rich Quick Seminar."
He smiles and says, "Rent an auditorium and charge $39.95 a seat.
Thanks for coming."
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Where Am I?
A businessman had a tiring day on the road. He checked into a hotel and, because he was concerned that the dining room might close soon, left his luggage at the front desk and went immediately to eat.
After a leisurely dinner, he reclaimed his luggage and realized that he had forgotten his room number. He went back to the desk and told the clerk on duty, "My name is Henry Davis, could you please tell me what room I am in?"
"Certainly," said the clerk. "You're in the lobby."
On Safari
A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs. awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother. The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick bush, and a large male lion stood facing her. The wife cried, "What are we going to do?" "Nothing," said the hunter husband. "The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it."
A Lesson Learned
A minister was giving the children's message during church. For this part of the service, he would gather all the children around him and give a brief lesson before dismissing them.
On this particular Sunday, he was using squirrels for an object lesson on industry and preparation. He started out by saying, "I'm going to describe something, and I want you to raise your hand when you know what it is." The children nodded eagerly.
"This thing lives in trees (pause) and eats nuts (pause)..." No hands went up. "And it is gray (pause) and has a long bushy tail (pause)..."
The children were looking at each other, but still no hands raised.
"And it jumps from branch to branch (pause) and chatters and flips its tail when it's excited (pause)..."
Finally one little boy tentatively raised his hand. The minister breathed a sigh of relief and called on him.
"Well," said the boy, "I know the answer you're looking for is supposed to be 'Jesus' ... but it sure sounds like a squirrel to me."
Do You Know?
Do you Care? |
Why full-length golf courses have 18 holes?
During a discussion among the club's membership board at St Andrews in 1858,
one of the members pointed out that it takes exactly 18 shots to polish off
a fifth of Scotch. By limiting himself to only one shot of Scotch per hole,
the Scot figured a round of golf was finished when the Scotch ran out.
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What's aThe Matter?
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.
He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up from his coffee. "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.
"Yes I do," she replies.
The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"
"Yes, I remember," said the wife.
The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'"
"I remember that, too," she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "I would have gotten out today."
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On The Golf Course
A lady golfer visits a driving range to tone up before a game. She is about to drive her first ball off the mat when she notices the man next to her.
"Pardon me, sir" she said. "You are aiming in the wrong direction - back towards the golf shop. You need to hit over there."
"Oy! - tanks for dat. Vitout you, I vouldn't know. I'm a bit confused by dis game."
He then turned around and started hitting out into the range. After a few minutes, he asked the lady how he was doing.
"Not bad." she answered. "Most of your shots are long. But you might want to turn your hand over to correct that slice you seem to have."
"Tanks, again, Miss." he replied. "Vitout you telling, I vouldn't know dese tings."
A few shots later, he inquired again. "Do you mind I should ask a poisonal qvestion?"
"Not at all," she replied.
"I don't do vell vit the ladies. Am I ugly or fett or vat?"
"You're quite presentable," she replied. "I don't think that is your problem.
Smiling now, he said, "Vat a relief. I vas always afraid to ask. Again, I got to tank you."
He was about to hit another ball when the girl interrupted, "Do you mind if I give you a bit of advice?"
"Vit gladness, tank gott. All the help you got I vill take." he answered.
"Get rid of the Yiddish accent," she replied. "You're Chinese."
Help Jungle Jean reach the trapped chimpanzee in each puzzle room.
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