"The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin."
-- Mark Twain
Hey everyone,
Bob is a favorite conductor among commuters on the Long Island Rail Road.
He has great rapport with the regulars, but occasionally runs into a problem rider. Today was one of those days.
One passenger, for instance, seemed irritated at having to hand over his ticket to be punched.
"Where are you going today?" Bob asked, smiling.
"Well, what does the ticket say?" replied the traveler, sarcastically.
"Um, it says you're on the wrong train," Bob informed him.
"What am I supposed to do now?" asked the flustered passenger.
Returning the punched card, Bob replied calmly, "Ask the ticket."
Medical Problem
This man wakes up after some special tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by his bed rings.
"This is your doctor," says the voice on the phone.
"We have the results back from the lab. I'm sorry to report that you have an extremely contagious deadly disease known as G.A.S.H."
"G.A.S.H?" replies the man. "What in the hell is that?"
"It's a combination of Gonorrhea, AIDS, SARS, and Herpes," explains the doctor.
"My gosh, Doc!" screams the man in a panic, "what are we going to do?"
"Well, we're going to put you in isolation and give you a strict diet of pizza, pancakes, quesadillas, and pita bread," says the doctor matter-of-factly.
"Will that cure me?"
"Well, no," says the doctor, "but it's the only food that will fit under the door."
Insurance
Recently launched into the "real world" and shocked by he expenses that came with it, my brother was complaining about the high cost of auto insurance.
"If you got married," teased my dad, "the premium would be lower."
My brother smiled and said, "That would be like buying an airline just to get free peanuts."
Just for Her
"You mean you stopped drinking just because she asked you to?" Stanley asked his friend
"Yes" Tom replied.
"And you gave up cigarettes for the same reason?" Stan said.
"That's right" Tom answered.
"And you stopped gambling on the horses as well, just for her?" Stan also asked.
"Yes I did" Tom told Stan.
"Then, after all that, why didn't you marry her?" Stan said bewildered.
"Well," Tom said "I figured I had become such a clean cut, desirable man, I thought I could do a lot better.
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Just Can't Tell
Man: Just look at that young person over there with the short hair and blue jeans, would you. I mean.....is it a boy or a girl? These days you just can't tell anymore.
Bystander: It's a girl. She's my daughter.
Man: Oh, please forgive me, sir. I had no idea you were her father. Geez!!
Bystander: I'm not. I'm her mother!!
DO NOT CLICK ON THE BIG RED BUTTON
Just out of curiosity, how do you explain counterclockwise to a kid who grew up with a digital watch?
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Ashamed
"I'm ashamed of the way we live," a young wife said to her lazy husband who refused to find a job.
"My father pays our rent. My mother buys all of our food. My sister buys our clothes. My aunt bought us a car. I'm just so ashamed."
The husband rolled over on the couch. "You should be ashamed," he agreed. "Those two worthless brothers of yours never give us a cent."
Unemployment Office
"Last name?"
"Bird."
"First name?"
"Big."
"Excuse me?"
"Big...Big Bird."
"Address?"
"Sesame Street."
"Sesame Street?"
"Yes."
"What is the number on the house?"
"Well...I don't know."
"Have you ever filled out a claim before?"
"No."
"Previous employer?"
"The Public Broadcasing System."
"What was your position?"
"Standing."
"No, no, I mean were you an executive, a sales rep, a consultant...?"
"Well, I was just a bird... isn't that a job?"
"How long were you employed as a... bird?"
"Let's see...1, 2, 3, 4, 5..."
"What are you doing?"
"Counting the number of years I was with PBS."
"Don't you know offhand?"
"I'm just so used to counting things."
"Oh... is that what you did for PBS... inventory?"
"No... I just counted things."
"You counted things... you mean you were a counting bird?"
"Yes... well, sometimes I did letters."
"Mr. Bird..."
"Please, call me Big Bird."
"Mr. Bird, you're not helping much. How can I get you your unemployment benefits if I can't find out what you did for a living?"
"I'm sorry, Miss Unemployment Person."
"What else can you do besides count and read?"
"I can walk around my neighborhood and help kids."
"You mean like a counselor?"
"I guess so... is that someone who counts?"
"No, it... never mind... do you have any references?"
"Well, there's Oscar the Grouch and Snuffluffigus."
"Can you at least tell me why you were let go from your last job?"
"I don't know... a lot of us can't go there anymore. Elmo, Kermit, The Frugal Gourmet, Mr. Pavoratti."
"Have you tried networking?"
"No, Mr. Hooper always told me to stay away from the networks."
"Mr. Bird, bring these forms back in 2 weeks listing your job search."
"Won't you believe me if I just told you I looked for a job?"
"Mr. Bird, I don't make the rules."
"Who makes the rules? Can you teach me?"
"Mr. Bird, it's a long story. I'll see you in 2 weeks for orientation."
"OK... thank you for helping me."
"You're welcome... Mr. Bird, before you go, I just thought of something. Someone was in here last week who acted just like you.
Maybe he could help you out."
"That's wonderful! Do you have his name?"
"I don't remember his last name... it was Barney something...
Follow me I am going to
Did You Know?
Do you Care?
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Spotting a robin does not necessarily signal the start of spring. Truth
is, you can spot American robins just about all year long. Even if your robins
flew south for the winter, you might see one that flew in from someplace
farther north.
To get a thumbs-up on spring, you have to lay eyes on your robins -- on the ones actually returning to your area for some spring and summer worming. You can't exactly check their boarding passes. But you can listen. When your local robins return, the males call dibs on worms, marking their territories with a distinctive song: cheer-up, cheer- up, cheer-a-lee. Robins make all kinds of chirps and calls, but they save this singing for after they've returned to claim a springtime spot. They tend to arrive after the temperature moves consistently above 37 degrees Fahrenheit (3 degrees Celsius). That's when worms head back to the surface after tunneling all winter below the frost. Spring Science Surprise #4.....by Michael Himick
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