Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?
Hey everyone, come on in, Free admission pay at the door ,
pull up a chair and sit on the floor, I have some stories to tell you
that I know nothing about. But first, try this game!
Why did the chicken cross the road
Special Keep Smiling Bulletin!!!!
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Changes In The Church
The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, "It was a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theatre seats.
It worked like a charm. The front of the church fills first."
The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, "And I agreed with your suggestion that a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock'n roll gospel choir. We are packed to the balcony."
"Thank you, Father," answered the young priest. "I'm pleased you're so open to the new ideas of youth."
"However," said the elderly priest, "I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional."
"But, Father," protested the young priest, "my confessions have nearly doubled since I began that!"
"I know my son," replied the elderly priest, "but that flashing neon sign, 'Toot 'n Tell or Go To Hell' simply must be removed from the church roof!"
Security
Working as a secretary at an international airport, my sister had an office adjacent to where security temporarily holds suspects. One day security officers were questioning a man when they were suddenly called away on another emergency. To the horror of my sister and her colleagues, the man was left alone in the unlocked room. After a few minutes, the door opened, and he began to walk out. Summoning up her courage, one of the secretaries barked, "Get back in there, and don't come out until you're told!" The man scuttled back inside and slammed the door. When the security people returned, the woman reported what had happened. Without a word, an officer walked into the room and released one very frightened telephone repairman.
Saving Money
After years of scrimping and saving, Stumpy told his wife the good news, "Honey, we've finally saved enough money to buy what we started saving for in 1979."
"You mean a brand-new Cadillac?" she asked eagerly.
"No," said the husband, "a 1979 Cadillac."
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Nursing Homes
With the average cost for a Nursing Home per day reaching $188.00, there is a better way when we get old & feeble. I have ascertained that I can get a nice room at the Holiday Inn for around $65.00...that leaves $123.00 a day for beer, food (room service), laundry, gratuities and special TV movies. They have a swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge, washer, dryer, etc. Most have free toothpaste and razors, and all have free shampoo and soap. Super 8 is somewhat more economical and they have a free breakfast, though you usually have to walk next door for lunch and dinner. There may be a bit of a wait to get that first floor room, but that's OK, it takes months to get into decent nursing homes. There is the Senior Bus, the Handicap bus (if you fake a decent limp), a Church bus or van, cabs, and even a regular bus. For a change of lunch take the Airport Bus and eat at one of the fast food cafe's there. The Inn has security, and if someone sees you drop over, they will call an ambulance. And should you break a hip, the American Way is to Sue. What more can you ask for? As a bonus, they all have AARP and other Senior discounts. So: When I reach the Golden age, help me keep my grin Just check my old rickety butt into the nearest Holiday Inn!
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Have a Drink
Seems this hillbilly came to town carrying a jug of moonshine in one hand and a shotgun in the other. He stopped a man on the street, saying to him: "Here, friend, take a drink outta my jug." The man protested, saying he never drank. Unimpressed, the hillbilly leveled his shotgun at the stranger and commanded: "Drink!" The stranger drank, shuddered, shook, shivered and coughed. "God! That's awful stuff!" "Ain't it, though?" replied the hillbilly. "Now here, you hold the gun on me while I take a swig.
DO NOT CLICK THE RED BUTTON!!!
Southern Folks In Heaven
Gabriel came to the Lord and said, "I have to talk to you, I have some Southern folks up here in Heaven who are causing some problems. They are swinging on the Pearly Gates, my horn is missing, barbecue sauce is all over their robes, ham hock, sparerib, and pig feet bones are all over the streets of Gold. Some folks are walking around with one wing. They have been late taking their turn in keeping the stairway to heaven clean. There are watermelon seeds all over the clouds. Some of them aren't even wearing their halos, saying it is messing up their hair.
The Lord said, "I made them special, as I did you, my angel. Heaven is home to all my children. If you really want to know about problems, let's call the Devil.
The Devil answered the phone, "Hello? Hold on." The Devil returned to the phone and said, "Hello Lord, what can I do for you?"
The Lord replied, "Tell me what kind of problems you are having down there."
The Devil said, "Wait one minute," and puts the Lord on hold.
After 5 minutes he returned to the phone, and said "Okay, I'm back. What was the question?"
The Lord said, "What kind of problems are you having down there?"
The Devil said, "Man, I don't believe this..... hold on, Lord".
This time the Devil was gone for 15 minutes.
The Devil returned and said, "I'm sorry Lord, I can't talk right now. These southerners done put the fire out, and are trying to install air conditioning!"
Last Round
Finally, Jack had made it to the last round of the $5,000,000 Question. The night prior to the big question, he advised the show's host that he desired a question in American History.
When the big night arrived, Jack made his way on stage in front of the studio and TV audience. He was the best guest the show had ever seen and had become the talk of the town. The host stepped up to the mic.
"Jack, for your final question you have chosen American History. If you answer this question correctly, you will walk away $5,000,000 richer. Are you ready?"
Jack nodded with a cocky confidence and the crowd went wild. He hadn't missed a question all week.
"Jack, your American History question is a two-part question. As you are already aware, you may answer either part first. As a rule, the second half of the question is always easier. Which part would you prefer to take a stab at first?" said the host.
Jack was now becoming more noticeably nervous. He couldn't believe it, but he seemed to be drawing a blank. American History was his easiest subject, but he thought he'd better play it safe. "I'll try the easiest part first," he said.
The host nodded approvingly. "OK, Jack, here we go. I'll ask you the second half first, then the first half."
The audience held their breath with gross anticipation…
"Jack, here is your question: And in what year did it happen?"
Indian Soldier
A large group of Pakistani soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune. "One Indian soldier is better than ten Pakis." The Paki commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune whereupon a gun battle breaks and continues for a few minutes, then silence.
The voice then calls out "One Indian soldier is better than one hundred Paki." Furious, the Paki commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gunfight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence. The Indian voice calls out again "One Indian soldier is better than one thousand Paki."
The enraged Paki Commander musters one thousand fighters and sends them across the dune. Cannons, rockets and machineguns ring out as a huge battle is fought. Then silence. Eventually one wounded Paki fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don’t send any more men, it’s a trap. There’s actually two of them."
Don't forget to send your
Witch Doctor
Rodney walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two shots. One for me and one for my best buddy here."
The bartender says, "You want both drinks now or do you want me to wait until your buddy arrives to pour his?"
Rodney says, "Oh, I want them both now. I've got my best buddy in my pocket here." With that he pulls out a little 3 inch man from hispocket.
The bartender says, "Wow! And you mean to say he can drink that much?" "Oh, sure. He can drink it all, and then some," the man retorted. So the bartender poured the two shots.
Sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up.
"That's amazing," says the bartender. "What else can he do? Can he walk?" Rodney flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, "Hey, Al,go fetch that quarter." The little guy runs down to the end of the bar, picks up the quarter, and runs back down and gives it to Rodney.
The bartender is totally amazed by this display. "That's amazing," he says, "what else can he do? Does he talk?"
Rodney looks up at the bartender with a look of surprise in his eye and squawks, "Talk? Sure he talks. Hey Al, tell him about that time we were in down in Africa on safari and you insulted that witch doctor!"
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