"I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work."
--Thomas Alva Edison (1847-1931)
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Social Studies
The social studies teacher had just finished a unit on war and peace. "How many of you," he asked, "would say you're opposed to war?"
Not surprisingly, all hands went up. The teacher asked, "Who'll give us the reason for being opposed to war?"
A large, bored-looking boy in the back of the room raised his hand.
"Johnny?" The teacher said.
"I hate war," Johnny said, "because wars make history, and I hate history."
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Earth Worms
My sister-in-law and nephew Eddy were digging for fishing bait in my mother-in-law's garden. Uncovering a many-legged creature, Eddy proudly dangled it before his mother.
"No, honey, he won't do for bait," his mother said. "He's not an earthworm."
"He's not?" Eddy asked, his eyes wide. "What planet is he from?"
So Smart
A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter.
"What does the cow say?" asked mother.
"Moooo!" said her son Billy.
"Great!" says mom. "What does the cat say?"
"Meow." says Billy.
"Oh, you're so smart!" says mom. "And what does the frog say?"
The wide-eyed little three-year-old looked up at his mother and replied, "Bud...Weiss...Er."
The 710 Cap
The other day I was in the local auto part store. A lady came in and asked for a seven ten cap. We all looked at each other and said "What's a seven ten cap?" She said "You know, it's right on the engine. Mine got lost somehow and I need a new one."
"What kind of a car is it on,"they asked? Now I'm thinking maybe an old Datsun Seven Ten, but no she said its a Buick."Ok lady, how big is it?"She makes a circle with her hands about 2 1/2 inches in diameter.
"What does it do?", we asked. She said, "I don't know, but its always been there."One of us gave her a note pad and asked her if she could draw a picture of it. So she makes a circle about 2 1/2 inches in diameter and in the center she writes 710.
The guys behind the counter are looking at it upside down as she writes it...and they just fall down behind the counter laughing so hard in hysterics.
One guy said "I think you want an oil cap."She said, "Seven Ten cap, oil cap, I don't care what you call it, I just need one, and I don't see what is so funny about it."Yes, she was a blonde.
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It's Magic!
A magician calls a man up on stage, hands him a mallet , and instructs the guy to hit him as hard as possible on the head. The magician then proceeds to put his head down on a wooden block. The man shrugs his shoulders and pounds him. Three years later, the magician wakes up from a coma in the hospital and goes.... "Taa-Daa!"
The Statue
A Mexican man becomes an instant millionaire after winning the lottery. With his newfound wealth, he decides on exactly what he will buy.
He buys a 20 acre plot of land in Mexico and hires an architect. He tells the architect, "I want mi casa to be built right there, with big columns in front, and a marble foyer, and at the end of the hall I want a halo statue."
The architect, excited about making mega bucks off this man, jots down exactly what the Mexican wants," I'll do it sir, I'll make this a fine house for you!"
All the plans are made and the architect starts construction. He searches six different countries to find exquisite columns for the front of the house and has marble shipped in from France to line the foyer. The only problem he has is that he cannot locate a halo statue. Knowing that religious symbols are important to many Mexicans, he continues to search high and low for month after month. The house is finally complete, but alas, the architect was never able to locate a halo statue.
Swallowing his pride for not being able to complete the order, he takes the Mexican to see his new home.
"Si Senor!" exclaims the Mexican. "You got da columns in front of mi casa!" The architect smiles. They enter the house and the Mexican notices the marble floor. "Wonderful! I love mi new marble floor Senor!" states the Mexican.
As he wanders down the hall. He reaches the end of the hall and looks puzzled. "Senor? Where is my halo statue?" asks the Mexican.
"Well, sir, I'm afraid to have to tell you this, but I searched high and low and just could not for the life of me figure out what a halo statue is, much less find one for you anywhere," says the architect, hanging his head in shame.
"What? You don't know what a halo statue is?"
"No, sir, I'm sorry, I do not know," replies the architect.
"You know," says the Mexican, "it's that thing that goes 'ringy dingy' and you pick it up and say, "halo?... statue?"
Lost Voice
Doug goes to a doctor and says: "Doctor, my wife recently has lost her voice. What should I do to help her get it back?"
The doctor replies, "Try coming home at 3 in the morning!"
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Jury
The District Attorney stared at the jury, unable to believe its verdict.
Bitterly he asked, "What possible excuse could you have for acquitting this man?"
The foreman answered, "Insanity."
The D.A. said, "All twelve of you?"
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Bragging
Three small boys were bragging about their fathers. The first boasted that his dad owned a farm. The second said his dad owned a factory. The third boy, a pastors son, replied: "That's nothin'. My dad owns hell."
"No way," another boy scoffed. "How can a man own hell?"
"Sure he can," the preacher's son said. "My mom told my grandma that them elders of our church gave it to him last night."
Talking to Moses
George W. Bush was walking through an airport last week, when he saw an old man with white hair, a long white beard, wearing a long white robe and holding a staff. He walked up to the man, who was staring at the ceiling, and said, "Excuse me sir, aren't you Moses?" The man stood perfectly still and continued to stare at the ceiling, saying nothing.
Again George W. asked, a little louder this time, "Excuse me sir, aren't you Moses?" Again the old man stared at the ceiling motionless without saying a word. Dubya tried a third time, louder yet. "Excuse me sir, aren't you Moses?" Again, no movement or words from the old man. He continued to stare at the ceiling.
One of the Prez's aides asked him if there was a problem, and G. W. said, "Either this man is deaf or ignoring me. I've spoken two him three times and he has not answered me." To which the man, still staring at the ceiling finally replied, "I can hear you and, yes, I am Moses, but the last time I spoke to a bush, I spent 40 years wandering in the wilderness."
Listen To Your Children While They Play
The Refrigerator Guy
A woman goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doctor, you've got to do something about my husband - he thinks he's a refrigerator!"
"I wouldn't worry too much about it," the doctor replies. "Lots of people have harmless delusions. It will pass."
"But you don't understand," the woman insists. "He sleeps with his mouth open, and the little light keeps me awake."
Gloria has some great recipes and a few funny stories for you this week and
Sally has found some excellent deals for you when you visit
Gloria's
Kitchen
While you are there, stop in and see what Granny is up to in the
Pantry this
week!
Granny is collecting tips for the kitchen if you have any helpful hints please send them to granny@keepsmiling.com
Keep Smiling's Direct Certificates
Union Meeting
A union shop steward is addressing a union meeting...
"Comrades. We have agreed on a new deal with the management. We will no longer work four days a week."
"Hooray!", goes the crowd.
"We will finish work at 4 PM, not 5 PM."
"Hooray!", goes the crowd, again.
"We will start work at 10 AM, not 9 AM."
"Hooray!"
"We have a 150% pay rise."
"Hooray!"
"We will only work on Wednesdays."
Silence...then a voice from the back asks, "Every Wednesday?"
Don't forget to send your
This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody.
There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it.
Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did.
Somebody got angry about this, because it was Everybody's job.
Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it.
It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done!
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