Believe it or not, people who drive in Baltimore City actually like the snow -- it fills in all of the potholes.
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Keeping A Promise
It was the day after Christmas at a church in San Francisco. The pastor of the church was looking over the cradle when he noticed that the baby Jesus was missing from among the figures. Immediately he turned and went outside and saw a little boy with a red wagon, and in the wagon was the figure of the little infant, Jesus. So he walked up to the boy and said, "Well, where did you get Him, my fine friend?"
The little boy replied, "I got him from the church."
"And why did you take him?"
The boy said, "Well, about a week before Christmas I prayed to the little Lord Jesus and I told him if he would bring me a red wagon for Christmas I would give him a ride around the block in it."
I have a special announcement ! If you enjoy sending online
greeting cards you will love this next site. Keep Smiling has set up a greeting
card site that is free for you to use. The site changes every day.
You can add your own message to the cards and they can play music. Be sure to bookmark this next link.
Metronome
I had purchased a talking metronome while I was attending a conference in New York for music teachers. Before my son and I boarded our flight home, I hefted my carry-on bag onto the security-check conveyor belt. The guard's eyes widened as he watched the monitor. He asked what I had in the bag, and then slowly pulled out the six-by-three-inch black box covered with dials and switches. Other travelers, sensing trouble, vacated the area.
"A metronome," I replied weakly, as my son cringed in embarrassment. "It's a talking metronome," I insisted. "Look, I'll show you." I took the box and flipped a switch, realizing that I had no idea how it worked, "One... two... three... four," it said. Everyone breathed a sigh of relief.
As we gathered our belongings, my son whispered, "Aren't you glad it didn't go 'four... three... two... one...?"
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The Old Judge
A judge in his golden years decided that retirement had become too boring. So he volunteered as a librarian at his local library branch.
A week later, his supervisor, a stern woman in her sixties, called him into her office. She cleared her throat and said, "You know, I appreciate that when you were a judge you were stern with lawbreakers. And you carry that with you to your new job, which is commendable. But when someone owes an overdue fine, you can't just - "
"I had to throw the book at him," the judge interrupted.
"I know," said the librarian, "but the Oxford English Dictionary....?"
Whack-A-Rooster
A man was driving down a quiet country lane when out into the road strayed a rooster. Whack! The rooster disappeared under the car and up floated a cloud of feathers.
Shaken, the man pulled over at the farmhouse, rang the doorbell. A farmer appeared. The man, somewhat nervously said, "I think I killed your rooster. Please allow me to replace him."
"Suit yourself," the farmer replied, "you can go join the other chickens that are around the back."
Drinking and Bragging
After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona."
The bartender dusted off a bottle from the shelf and gave it to him.
The head of Budweiser said, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser."
The bartender gave him one.
The Coors chief said, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors."
The bartender got it.
The Guinness man sat down and stated, "Give me a Coke."
The bartender is a little taken aback, but gave it to him.
The other brewery presidents looked at him and asked, "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?"
The Guinness president replied, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."
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31 Days....
One day, this guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. Then he asks for another. After a couple more drinks, the bartender gets worried.
"What's the matter?" the bartender asks.
"My wife and I got into a fight," explained the guy "and now she isn't talking to me for a whole 31 days."
The bartender thought about this for a while. "But, isn't it a good thing that she isn't talking to you?" asked the bartender.
" Yeah, except today is the last night.
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Words of Wisdom
The wise old Mother Superior was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed, trying to make her comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it. Then one nun took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk. Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more, then before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.
"Mother, Mother" the nuns cried, "Give us some wisdom before you die!"
She raised herself up in bed with a pious look on her face and pointing out the window, she said, "Don't sell that cow!"
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