A dog saw somebody putting money into a parking meter and reported to the other dogs, "They're putting in pay toilets!"
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A man was on a walking holiday in Ireland. He became thirsty so he decided to stop at a little cottage and ask for something to drink.
The lady of the house invited him in and served him a bowl of soup by the fire. There was a wee pig running around the kitchen, running up to the visitor and giving him a great deal of attention.
The visitor commented that he had never seen a pig this friendly.
The housewife replied, "Ah, he's not that friendly. That's his bowl you're using."
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Help From China
The Prime Minister of China called President Bush to console him: "I'm sorry to hear about the attack. It is a very big tragedy.
"But in case you are missing any documents from the Pentagon, we have copies of everything."
Two men from Canada were out hunting. They decided to separate to get a better chance of catching something.
The first man says to the other, "If you get lost, fire three shots into the air every hour. That way I can pinpoint you and find you."
After about three hours, the second man finds he is really lost. He decides to fire three shots into the air as the first man told him. He then waits an hour and does it again. He repeats this until he is out of ammo.
The next morning, the first man finds the second with the help of forest rangers. He asks the first man if he did what he told him to do. The man answers, "Yes, I fired three shots into the air every hour on the hour until I ran out of arrows."
A Swiss man, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Americans are waiting. "Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he asks. The two Americans just stare at him.
"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" he tries. The two continue to stare.
"Parlare Italiano?" No response.
"Hablan ustedes Espanol?" Still nothing.
The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted. The first American turns to the second and says, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language."
"Why?" says the other. "That guy knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."
The Brand New Ball
A golfer who was well into his golden years had a lifelong ambition to play one hole at Pebble Beach, California, the way the pros do it. The pros drive the ball out over the water onto the green that is on a spit of land that juts out off the coast.
It was something he had tried hundreds of times without success. His ball always fell short, into the water. Because of this he never used a new ball on this particular hole. He always picked out one that had a cut or a nick.
One year he went out to Pebble Beach to try again. When he came to the fateful hole, he teed up an old cut ball and said a silent prayer. Before he hit it, however, a powerful voice from above said: WAIT ... REPLACE THAT OLD BALL WITH A BRAND-NEW BALL. He complied, with some slight misgiving, despite the fact that the Lord seemed to be implying that He was going to let him finally achieve his lifelong ambition.
As he stepped up to the tee once more, the voice came down again: WAIT ... STEP BACK ... TAKE A PRACTICE SWING. So he stepped back and took a practice swing. The voice boomed out again: TAKE ANOTHER PRACTICE SWING. He did. Silence followed. Then the voice spoke out again: PUT BACK THE OLD BALL.
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A college professor asked his class a question. "If Philadelphia is 100 miles from New York and Chicago is 1000 miles from Philadelphia and Los Angles is 2000 miles from Chicago, how old am I?"
One student in the back of the class raised his hand and when called upon said "Professor you're 44.."
The Professor said "You're absolutely correct, but tell me, how did you arrive at the answer so quickly?"
The student said. "You see professor, I have a brother, he's 22, and he's half nuts."
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At the Auction
Bidding for various objects was proceeding furiously, when the auctioneer suddenly announced, "A gentleman in this room has lost a wallet containing $10,000. If it is returned, he will pay a reward of $2,000."
There was a moment's silence, and then from the back of the room came the cry :
"Two Thousand Five Hundred."
Letter From the Onion in Your Fridge
Dear Humanoid Animal-Thing,
Right there in your shopping cart, is where it started ... discrimination, prejudice, snobbery. The slab of marbled cheddar cursed at me; it's voice muffled through the shrink-wrap. An avocado sniffed in contempt, then rolled away and hid behind a box of Shredded Wheat.
I was instantly unpopular. But we onions know all along that we will be treated that way. My Mom warned me. But as long as we were together in our own safe place ... in the fields, in the harvest baskets, even in the bin at the supermarket ... we presented a united front.
Then you came along, you twerp. You singled me out and took me to your home, plunking me down into the egg-tray of your fridge.
I no longer had the company of my own kind. But it still wasn't too bad. The eggs didn't seem to mind me living in their space, and the other foods were polite, most of them were, anyhow.
Then, you did it. You took me out of the fridge, cut a big honking slice off me (I watched you dice it for your spaghetti sauce) ... then stuck me back on the egg-tray with no cling wrap or anything!
Now, I'm NAKED! Not to mention, COLD! The rest of the foods all hate me because I smell, too. Now the cheese smells like me. The celery smells like me. My scent has saturated the skin on your pudding ... and the pudding hates *me* for it! Pudding never FORGIVES! NEVER! Everyone knows that!
Me and the potatoes simply have gone to war. They release chemicals that make me rot faster. Oh, yeah, well, I SHOWED them! I released chemicals that make THEM rot faster. HA!
We're all in trouble here; we're all doomed, and it's all *your* fault. BUT I'LL GET MY REVENGE! You've forgotten about me, I can tell. You should have put me in the vegetable crisper, but NO, you were too lazy to bend over, so you stuck me here on the fridge door, and thanks to the biological warfare of those stupid potatoes, I'm ROTTING here! I'm gonna turn into a soggy lump of ONION skin and STINKY juice .... I'll have my revenge against you, AND your snobby avocados! And YOU are the one who'll have to CLEAN UP THE MESS! So THERE!
One day a young man was visiting the fair. Over to one side was a small tent, with a sign that said "For 50 dollars I'll teach you to be a mind reader! - Apply within."
So the young man thought that he'd give it a go, and went inside. Behind a small table inside was an old man, who looked up when the young man entered and says, "Ah, you must be here for the mind reading lessons."
"Er, yes," the young man said.
"Well, follow me, and I'll give you your first lesson." Then the old man goes out the back of the tent and comes back with a hose. "Here, hold this hose," he said.
"Why?" said the young man.
"It's part of the lesson," replies the old man, "Now, look in the end and tell me what you see."
So the young man looks into the end of the hose, and only sees darkness. "I don't see anything," he tells the old man.
Just then the old man turns on a tap, and the hose shoots water into the young man's face.
"I just knew you'd do something like that." the young man shouts at the old man.
"There.. you are now a mind reader!" the old man replies, "That'll be 50 dollars."
Ready For Christmas Shopping Parking Lots
Twas the night of Thanksgiving,
The leftovers beckoned -
Tossing and turning
So, I raced to the kitchen,
I gobbled up turkey
I felt myself swelling
I crashed through the ceiling,
But, I managed to yell