Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
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A couple of hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.
The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy. I can help. First, lets make sure he's dead."
....There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says, "OK, now what?"
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The Right Greeting Card
A man entered a stationery store and asked the clerk for a birthday/anniversary card.
The clerk replied, "We have birthday cards and we have anniversary cards. Why not take one of each?"
The man said, "You don't understand. I need a card that covers *both* events! You see, we're celebrating the fifth anniversary of my wife's thirty-fourth birthday..."
McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave. "S' cuse me", said a customer who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done, "what was that all about?" "Ach, it were nothin', said McQuillan, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!"
Do you ...?
A really "scruffy" looking bum stopped a man on the street and asked for $2.
"Will you buy booze with it?" the man asks, to which the bum replies, "No."
"Will you gamble it away?" Once again the bum replies, "No."
"Will you make bets at the golf course?"
The bum replies, "No, I don't play golf."
Then the man asks, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink, gamble, or play golf?"
Worried that his son was spending too much money on dates, Little Johnny's Father asked how much his last date had cost.
Little Johnny calculated a minute then replied, "Oh, about $15 or so I think."
"Well," said his Father, "I'm proud of you for finally coming up with an inexpensive evening."
"To be honest Dad," Little Johnny went on, "we'd have done more, but that was all the money she had."
One night, a lady stumbled into the police station with a black eye. She claimed she heard a noise in her back yard and went to investigate. The next thing she knew, she was hit in the eye and knocked out cold.
An officer was sent to her house to investigate, and he returned a half hour later with a black eye as well.
"Did you get hit by the same person?" his captain asked.
"No sir," he replied. "I stepped on the same rake."
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Gardner goes to see his supervisor in the front office. "Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."
"We're short-handed, Gardner," the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."
"Thanks boss," says Gardner, "I knew I could count on you!"
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A guy is stranded on a desert island all alone for ten years. One day he sees a speck on the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft." Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.
She comes up to the guy and she says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten years!", he says.
She reaches over, unzips this waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"
Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?"
He replies, "Ten years!" She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on the right, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He takes a long swig and says, "Wow! That's fantastic!"
Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some REAL fun?"
And the man replies, "You're kidding! Don't tell me you've got a computer in there?"
A sight-seeing bus traveling from San Francisco to Muir Woods National Monument wound around many hairpin curves. After successfully negotiating a particularly sharp curve, the bus driver pulled over to the side of the road. "Well, this is a new twist," he said, surveying his wide-eyed passengers. "I'm taking a load of petrified tourists to see a living forest."
In His Bargain Suit
The fellow was being sold a very cheap suit. "But the left sleeve is a lot longer than the right," he complained.
" That's why the suit is such a bargain," the sales clerk explained. " Just cock your left shoulder up a little, like this."
" But the right leg is way too short," argued the customer.
" No problem," the sales clerk answered. "Just keep your right knee bent a little at all times, walk like this, and no one will notice."
So, the fellow bought the suit, cocked his left shoulder into the air, bent his right knee, and limped out of the store toward his car.
Two blokes happened along and noticed him.
" Good heavens," the first bloke said to the second, look at that poor crippled fellow.
" Yeah," answered the second bloke, but doesn't that suit fit great ? "
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Keep Smiling has organized some of those contest and sweepstakes for you included you will find the expiration date for each contest so you can be sure they are still active.
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The Amazing Invention
An American who finds himself in Moscow wants to know the time. He sees a man approaching him carrying two heavy suitcases and asks the fellow if he knows the correct time.
"Certainly," says the Russian, setting down the two bags and looking at his wrist. "It is 11:43 and 17 seconds. The date is Feb. 13, the moon is nearing its full phase and the atmospheric pressure stands at 992 hectopascals and is rising."
The visitor is dumbfounded but manages to ask if the watch that provides all this information is Japanese. No, he is told, it is "our own, a product of Soviet Technology."
"Well, that is wonderful, you are to be congratulated."
"Yes," the Russian answers, straining to pick up the suitcases, "but these batteries are still a little heavy."