The only place where the employees would go on strike to make LESS money is the U. S. Mint.  

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My Pretty Dress

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The Pick Pocket

A pick pocket was up in court for a series of petty crimes. The judge said, "Mr. Banks you are hereby fined $100..."

The lawyer stood up and said, "Thanks, your honor, however my client only has $75 on him at this time. But if you'd allow him a few minutes in the crowd..."

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Three Engineers

Three engineers were in the bathroom standing at the urinals. The first engineer finished and walked over to the sink to wash his hands.   He then proceeded to dry his hands very carefully. He used paper towel after paper towel and ensured that every single spot of water on his hands was dried. Turning to the other two engineers, he said, "At Hewlett Packard, we are trained to be extremely thorough."

The second engineer finished his task at the urinal and he proceeded to wash his hands. He used a single paper towel and made sure that he dried his hands using every available portion of the paper towel. He turned and said, "At Lockheed-Martin, not only are we trained to be extremely thorough, but we are also trained to be extremely efficient."

The third engineer finished and walked straight for the door, shouting over his shoulder, "At Apple Computer, Inc. we don't pee on our hands."    

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A Bad Lad

It was the first day of school. As the principal made his rounds, he heard a terrible commotion coming from one of the classrooms.

He rushed in and spotted one boy, taller than the others, who seemed to be making the most noise.

He seized the lad, dragged him to the hall, and told him to wait there until he was excused.

Returning to the classroom, the principal restored order and lectured the class for ten minutes about the importance of good behavior.

"Now," he said, "are there any questions?"

One girl raised her hand and spoke up timidly. " Please sir," she asked, "May we have our teacher back?"

The Big Sale

It was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale (and some advertising in the local paper) were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30, the store's opening time, in front of the store.

A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colorful curses. On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line again. As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line...

"That does it! If they hit me one more time, I don't open the store!"

The Scoutmaster

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Going Home

An old couple in Cuba was puzzled when the coffin of their dead relative arrived from the USA. The corpse was so tightly squeezed inside the coffin that her face was practically touching the glass cover.

When they opened the coffin, they found a letter pinned to her chest, which read:

Dearest Mami and Papi,

I am sending you Tia Juana's remains for the funeral there in the Havana Cemetery. Sorry I couldn't come along as the expenses were too high. You will find inside the coffin, under Tia's body, 12 cans of Bumble Bee Tuna, 12 bottles of Paul Mitchell Shampoo and Conditioner, 12 Vaseline Intensive Care Skin Lotion, 12 Colgate Toothpaste and 12 cans of Spam. Just divide it among the family. On Tia's feet is a brand-new pair of Reeboks (size 8) for Joseito. There are four pairs of Reeboks under her head for Antonio's sons. Tia is wearing six Ralph Lauren T-shirts - one is for Roberto and the rest are for his sons. Tia is also wearing one dozen Wonder Bras (my favorite), just divide it among the ladies. The 2 dozen Victoria's Secret panties that she is wearing should be distributed among my nieces and cousins. Tia is also wearing eight Docker pants, please get one for yourself and the rest are for the boys. The Swiss watch you asked for is on Tia Juana's left wrist and she is also wearing what you asked for Mami. (earrings, ring and necklace) Just please get them before anyone arrives to view the body. Also, the six pairs of Chanel stockings that she is wearing must be divided among the teen-age girls there. I hope the colors are to their liking.

Your loving daughter,

Carmencita

P.S. Please find Tia a dress for her funeral.

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Helping a Poor Family

A big, burly man visited the pastor's home and asked to see the minister's wife, a woman well known for her charitable impulses. "Madam," he said in a broken voice, "I wish to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this district. The father is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving. They are about to be turned into the cold, empty streets unless someone pays their rent, which amounts to $500." "How terrible!" exclaimed the preacher's wife. "May I ask who you are?" They sympathetic visitor applied his handkerchief to his eyes. "I'm the landlord," he sobbed.

My Yugo

JOHN DOESN'T PAY

One fine day, a bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus, and drove off along the route. No problems for the first few stops, a few people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well.

At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on. Six foot eight, built like a wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the driver and said, "Big John doesn't pay!" and sat down at the back. Did I mention that the driver was five feet three, thin, and basically meek? Well, he was. Naturally, he didn't argue with Big John, but he wasn't happy about it.

The next day the same thing happened-Big John got on again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And the next day, and the one after that, and so forth. This grated on the bus driver, who started losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him. Finally he could stand it no longer. He signed up for body building courses, karate, judo, and all that good stuff. By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong; what's more, he felt really good about himself.

So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus and said, "Big John doesn't pay!," the driver stood up, glared back at the passenger, and screamed, "And why not?"

With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied, "Big John has a bus pass."

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Gloria's Kitchen

The boy came skipping into the house with a big lollipop in his hands. "Where did you get it?" his mother asked.

"I bought it with the quarter you gave me."

"The quarter I gave you was for Sunday School."

"I know Mom," said the boy, "but the minister met me at the door and got me in free."

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 Late

A young preacher was contacted by the local funeral director to hold a graveside committal service at a small local cemetery for someone with no family or friends.

The preacher started early but quickly got himself lost, making several wrong turns. He arrived a half-hour late, the hearse was nowhere in sight and the workmen were eating lunch.

The pastor went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place. Taking out his book, he read the service.

As he was returning to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say:

"Maybe we'd better tell him it's a septic tank."

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