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Which came first, the liar or the politician?
I just want to take a moment to let you know that Keep Smiling is going to be introducing a new department called the "Thunder Mountain Trading Post" in the near future. As most of you know Keep Smiling is home-based in Arizona. The trading post will feature articles found in the Southwest. There will be different artilces each week many will be directly from the artist. Watch future issues of Keep Smiling for more details. Next point of interest the Special Offers Page has been updated be sure to check in and see what's new.
Golf Hazzard After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, "Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?" "Yes," the golfer responded. "Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?" "Yes, I did. How did you know?" he asked. "Well," said the policeman very seriously, "Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver's windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn't make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?" The golfer thought it over carefully and responded ... "I think I'll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip, and lower my right thumb."
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BREAD IS DANGEROUS 1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users. 2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests. 3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations. 4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread. 5. Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The average American eats more bread than that in one month! 6. Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low incidence of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease, and osteoporosis. 7. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after as little as two days. 8. Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts. 9. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person. 10. Newborn babies can choke on bread. 11. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute. 12. Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling. In light of these frightening statistics, we propose the following bread restrictions: 1. No sale of bread to minors. 2. A nationwide "Just Say No To Toast" campaign, complete celebrity TV spots and bumper stickers. 3. A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills we might associate with bread. 4. No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage. 5. The establishment of "Bread-free" zones around schools.
Who Wants To Live Forever? When a great grandmother was in her late eighties, she decided to move to Israel. As part of the preparations, she went to see her doctor and get all her charts. The doctor asked her how she was doing, so she gave him the litany of complaints – this hurts, that's stiff, I'm tired and slower, etc. He responded with, "Mrs. Siegel, you have to expect things to start deteriorating. After all, who wants to live to 100?" The great grandmother looked him straight in the eye and replied, "Anyone who's 99."
OOOPS! Ivory soap didn't always float. Proctor and Gamble's famous product began life in 1878 as White Soap. It smelled good, had a rich, white color, and sunk like a stone if you let go of it in the bathtub. Then the guy who ran the machine that mixed White Soap's ingredients neglected to throw the off switch one afternoon when he took his lunch break. The soap that resulted had more air in it. The lighter bar floated, consumers loved it, and the rest is history.
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Preparing For Winter The Indians asked their Chief in autumn if the winter was going to be cold or not. Not really having an answer, the chief replies that the winter was going to be cold and that the members of the village were to collect wood to be prepared. Being a good leader, he then went to the next phone booth and called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is this winter to be cold?" The man on the phone responded, "This winter was going to be quite cold indeed." So the Chief went back to speed up his people to collect even more wood to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again, "Is it going to be a very cold winter?" "Yes", the man replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter." So the Chief goes back to his people and orders them to go and find every scrap of wood they can find. Two weeks later he calls the National Weather Service again: "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?" "Absolutely," the man replies, "the Indians are collecting wood like crazy!"
Prayers The Wednesday-night church service coincided with the last day of hunting season. Or pastor asked who had bagged a deer. No one raised a hand. Puzzled, the pastor said, "I don't get it. Last Sunday many of you said you were missing because of hunting season. I had the whole congregation pray for your deer." One hunter groaned, "Well, it worked. They're all safe."
Marriage Counseling A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up. "Oh, we'll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship," the wife explained. "He was a communications major in college and I majored in theater arts. He communicates real well and I just act like I'm listening."
And then He said, "Let there be, Dog" On the first day of creation, God created the dog. On the second day, God created man to serve the dog. On the third day, God created all the animals of the earth (especially the horse) to serve as potential food for the dog. On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labor for the good of the dog. On the fifth day, God created the tennis ball so that the dog might or might not retrieve it. On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the dog healthy and the man broke. On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but He had to walk the dog.
Reboot
Don't you wish when life is bad
Things would all turn out ok,
Your boss is mad, your bills not paid,
You'd like to have another job
Climb
to the summit of Flagstaff,
What computer acronyms really mean:
ISDN - It Still Does Nothing
For a limited time, we are giving away full version CD-Rom software for FREE. You may choose as many titles from these pages as you wish! This is FULL VERSION SOFTWARE, not "Freeware" or "Shareware". Why pay retail prices of up to $79.95 per CD in a brick & mortar store when we are making it available to you for FREE?
Midlife Midlife is when the growth of the hair on our legs slows down. This gives us plenty of time to care for our newly acquired mustache.
Midlife women no longer have upper arms, we have wingspans, we are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag. Midlife has hit when you stand naked in front of the mirror and can see your rear end without turning around. Midlife is when you bounce (a lot), but you don't bounce back. It's more like splat! Midlife is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream, "Listen, honey, even the Roman Empire fell, and those things will too"! Midlife is when you realize that if you were a dog, you would need a control top flea collar. Midlife is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so old, you have to pay someone to look at you naked. You know you are getting old when you go for a mammogram and you realize it is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless in a film. Midlife brings the wisdom that life throws you curves and that you're now sitting on your biggest ones. Midlife can bring out your angry, bitter side. You look at your latte-swilling, beeper-wearing know-it-all teenager and think, "For this I have stretch marks?" Midlife is when your memory really starts to go: the only thing you still retain is water. The good news about midlife is that the glass is still half-full. Of course, the bad news is that it won't be long before your teeth are floating in it. You know you've crossed the midlife threshold when you're in the grocery store and you hear a Muzak version of "Stairway to Heaven" in the produce department. It's very hard to "get jiggy with it" in midlife. Jiggly, yes; jiggy, no. Midlife is when your 1970's Body-by-Jake now includes Legs-by-Rand McNally (more red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of the state of Wisconsin). Midlife is when you start to repeat yourself and your chins follow suit. You become more reflective in midlife. You start pondering the "big" questions: what is life, Why am I here and How much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice?
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Hello everyone,
