Hey  everyone ....just me popping in to tell you that there are some interesting changes happening to the Keep Smiling website.

The Special Offers page has been updated!

We have a new search engine on the Keep Smiling Searches The Web page which you should bookmark and use often it is simply called Keep Smiling Search.

As you cruise around the website you will see many changes happening and watch for many more to come!

Mrs.Smith's First Dinner Party

Mr. & Mrs. Smith have been back from their honeymoon for two weeks when Mr. Smith comes home from work and says that he has invited 4 of his friends from the office home for dinner on Friday night. The wife is a bit apprehensive and asks if she must cook a meal for the four. The husband explains that there will be eight coming because each will bring his wife.

Since this is their first party, the husband consoles her by saying that all she has to do is get some Chinese food in and perhaps she can bake a cake.

This sounds like a good idea, and they sit down and decide what Chinese food to get.

Friday morning wife calls the office in tears. She explains that the only cake recipe she has will only feed six.

Hubby says, "Why don't you just double the recipe?" She decides that is a good idea.

At four, hubby gets another phone call -- this time quite frantic.

"I just can't do it," wifey weeps. "It's impossible."

"Now, now, what's the matter?"

"Well, their recipe calls for two eggs..."

"So, you use FOUR eggs. Don't you have them?"

"Yes -- then it needs 4 cups of flour."

"Well," hubby says rather testily, "you will have to use 8 cups of flour --what is the problem?"

"It isn't the ingredients," wife sobs, "it says that the cake must be baked at 350 degrees and I have checked the oven, and I can't turn the heat up to 700 degrees!"

Life before computers

Dinner Time

A homeless man stops at a farmhouse to beg to spend the night. The farmer answers the door and says "Sure, we can put you up."

The vagrant washes up for dinner and meets the family downstairs. Sitting at the dinner table are the farmer, his wife, their son, and a gigantic pig who is sitting at the table like a human. Throughout the meal the vagrant tries not to stare at the pig, who sports three medals around his neck, as well as a wooden leg.

Finally, he can contain his curiosity no longer. He asks "Would you mind telling me about the bronze medal around your pig's neck?"

The farmer says "Sure. It's really an incredible story. Little Timmy here was swimming in the lake when he got a cramp and started to drown. This pig heard his cries for help, busted out of his pen, ran to the lake, and saved our son's life. So, we gave him the medal."

The vagrant is amazed and says "Well, how about that silver medal?"

The farmer says "A few months ago our house caught fire in the middle of the night while we were all sleeping. This pig saw the flames, busted out of his pen and ran into the house, waking us up in time. To show our gratitude we gave him that silver medal."

The homeless man says "While I'm at it, I might as well ask you about the gold medal."

The farmer says "My wife was attacked by a burglar several weeks ago. This pig heard her cries, busted out of his pen, and chased that man far away. To show my thanks I gave him that gold medal"

The homeless man sits in awe of the pig, who is blithely eating his meal with a knife and fork. He asks "What about the wooden leg?"

The farmer says, matter-of-factly, "Well, you don't eat a pig like THAT all at once!"

Keep Smiling's Joke Search

Patient: Doctor, you must help me. I'm under a lot of stress. I keep losing my temper with people…

Doctor: Tell me about your problem.

Patient: I just did, you stupid jerk!

Sonic BOOM ! ! !

The Magician

During a recent vacation in Las Vegas, a man went to see a popular magic show. After one especially amazing feat, the man from the back of the theatre yelled, "How'd you do that?"

"I could tell you, sir", the magician answered, "But then I'd have to kill you."

After a short pause, the man yelled back, "Ok, then. Just tell my wife!"

Bulletin!

I heard that if you play the Windows 2000 CD-ROM backwards, you'll hear a satanic message. But the most frightening thing is that if you play it forward, it installs Windows 2000.

Gloria's Kitchen is being remodeled ! But come on in anyway and check out this weeks recipes. Watch your step!

The Greatest Archer

A duke is hunting in a forest with his men-at-arms and servants when he comes upon a tree. Archery targets are painted all over it, and smack in the middle of each is an arrow. "Who is this incredibly fine archer?" cries the duke. "I must find him." After continuing through the forest for a few miles, he comes across a small boy carrying a bow and arrow. Eventually the boy admits that it was he who shot the arrows plumb in the centre of all the targets. "You didn't just walk up to the targets and hammer the arrows into the middle, did you?" asks the duke worriedly. "No my lord. I shot them from 100 paces. I swear it by all that I hold holy." "That is truly astonishing," says the duke. "I hereby admit you into my service. But I must ask one favour in return. You must tell me how you came to be such an outstanding shot." "Well," said the boy, "first I fire the arrow at the tree, and then I paint the target around it."

Did you know you can submit jokes to Keep Smiling?
Well yes you sure can!
Just send them to
jokes@keepsmiling.com

A SHORT HISTORY OF MEDICINE:
"Doctor, I feel nauseous..."

2000 B.C. - "Here, eat this root."
1000 B.C. - "That root is heathen, say this prayer."
1850 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."
1940 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill."
1985 A.D. - "That pill is addictive, take this antibiotic."
2000 A.D. - "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!"
2012 A.D. - "Don't do a thing until President Hillary's Health Care System approves it, or you'll be put under arrest and thrown in the gulag with the rest of the capitalists."

Rock,
Paper,
Sissors

Where to get the best advice

A business executive injured his leg skiing one weekend. By the time he got home Sunday, the leg was very swollen and he was having difficulty walking, so he called his physician at his home. The doctor told him to soak it in hot water. He tried soaking it in hot water but the leg became more swollen and more painful.

His maid saw him limping and said, "I don't know, I'm only a maid, but I always thought it was better to use cold water, not hot, for swelling." He tried switching to cold water, and the swelling rapidly subsided.

On Monday morning he called his Dr. again to complain. "Say Doc, what kind of a doctor are you anyway? You told me to soak my leg in hot water and it got worse. My maid told me to use cold water and it got better."

"Really?" answered the doctor, "I don't understand it - my maid said hot water."

 FREE CD ROM Software!
$250.00 Value. Click Here

  Can you imagine the metric system?

A lot of our old sayings and proverbs will change -- for instance:

• Give a man 2.5 centimeters and he'll take 1.6 kilometers.
• A miss is as good as 1.6 kilometers.
• Peter Piper picked 8.8 liters of pickled peppers.
• Spare the 5.03 meters and spoil the child.
• Twenty-eight grams of prevention is worth 453 grams of cure.
• Put your best 0.3 of a meter forward.

Do we REALLY want that?

DOCTOR VISIT

A man walked into a doctor's office with a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his right ear, and a banana in his left ear.

"What's wrong with me, Doc?" he asked.

The doctor took one glance and pronounced, "You're not eating properly!"

 Double your Internet Speed

Interesting WHYs.

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is a boxing ring square?

Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?

Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?

Why is it that to stop Windows 95, you have to click on "Start"?

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why is the word dictionary in the dictionary?

Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes? Why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?