How does the guy who drives the snowplow
get to work in the mornings?

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The Lion & The Lamb

A few years ago the Pope visited New York and was taken around by Henry Kissinger.

They visited the Bronx Zoo and Kissinger showed the Pope one cage where a lion was with a young lamb, which snuggled up next to the lion.

The Pope was amazed. "For 2000 years, we've prayed for signs of the messianic era and the prophesy that the lion will lie down next to the lamb. I see you must really be a man of peace. How did you do it?"

To which Kissinger replied, "It is very easy to accomplish what you are witnessing. We simply provide the lion with a new lamb each day."

The Hunger Site :
Donate Food for Free to Hungry People in the World

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The Interview

A guy walks into the human resources department of a large company and hands the executive his application. The executive begins to scan the sheet, and notices that the applicant has been fired from every job he has ever held.

"I must say," says the executive, "your work history is terrible. You've been fired from every job."

"Yes," says the man.

"Well," continues the executive, "there's not much positive in that."

"Hey!" says the guy as he pokes the application. "At least I'm not a quitter."

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The Tip

A man takes his place in the theatre, but his seat is too far from the stage.

He gestures to the usher, "This is a mystery and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I'll give you a handsome tip."

The usher moves him to the second row, and the man hands the usher a quarter.

The usher looks at the quarter and then leans over and whispers,

"The wife did it."

Fair is Fair!

A motorist driving by a Texas ranch hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road. The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened. He then asked what the animal was worth.

"Oh, about $200 today," said the rancher. "But in six years it would have been worth $900. So $900 is what I'm out."

The motorist sat down and wrote out a check and handed it to the farmer.

"Here," he said, "is the check for $900. It's postdated six years from now...."

Earth Cam Time's Square

Ouch!

The police had been told to clean up the neighborhood so it was dead easy when the drunk staggered towards the constable and said: "Excuse me offisher, what time is it?"

The cop replied, "It's one o'clock," and bonked him on the head with his baton.

"Jeez," said Paddy. "I'm glad I didn't ask you an hour ago!"

The Keep Smiling Joke Search  
is our latest addition to the Keep Smiling Website

YES..DEAR

I had 18 bottles of whisky in my cellar and was told by my wife to empty the contents of each bottle down the sink, or else, I said I would and began to pour. I removed the lid from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink with the exception of one glass which I drank. I then removed the lid from the second bottle and did the same, with the exception of one glass which I drank. I then removed the lid from the third bottle and poured the whisky down thesink which I drank. I pulled the lid from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down the glass which I drank. I pulled the bottle from the lid of the next and drank one sink out of it and threw the rest down the glass. I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the lid down the bottle.Then I lidded the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour. When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the glasses, lids, bottles, and sinks with the other, which were 29, and as the houses came by I counted them again and finally I had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank. I'm not under the affluence of incohol as some thinkle peep I am. I'm not half as thunk as you might drink. I fool so feelish I don't know who is me, and the drunker I stand here the longer I get.

Roadside America: The Electric Map

Bachelors

Two confirmed bachelors were sitting and talking. Their conversation drifted from politics to cooking. "I got a cookbook once," said the first, "but I could never do anything with it."

"Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?" asked the second.

"You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way - 'Take a clean dish and...'"

Gloria's Kitchen

 Complaining

Two women were discussing marriage, and one said, "We've been married twenty-five years, and every night my husband has complained about the food. Not one night without complaining about the food."

The other woman said, "That's awful. Doesn't it bother you?"

The first one said, "Why should I object if he doesn't like his own cooking?"

How many idiots does it take to screw in a lite bulb?

None ....idiots can't screw in litebulbs!

A Honest Mechanic

Sherry meets up with Jill as she is picking her car up from the mechanic.

Sherry asks, "Everything ok with your car now?"

Jill replies, "Yes, thank goodness. I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off, so I was relieved when he told me all I needed was $12 worth of blinker fluid."

Nancy Does Windows