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The Keep Smiling Joke Search
In 1555, Nostradamus wrote:
Come the millennium, month 12,
The Annual NORAD Tracks Santa Claus Website
Dave Bronson A man walks out into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabby says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Dave." "Who?" "Dave Bronson. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Dave every single time." "There are always a few clouds over everybody." "Not Dave. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star." "He was something, huh?" "He had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole neighborhood blacks out." "No wonder you remember him." "Well, I never actually met Dave." "Then how do you know so much about him?" "I married his widow."
If you get your Christmas Tree at a rest stop at night -- you just might be a Scrooge Snow Removal Joe and Joan were sitting down to their usual morning cup of coffee listening to the weather report on the radio. "There will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared," the weather report said. "You must park your cars on the odd numbered side of the streets." Joe said, "Jeez, okay," and got up from his coffee. The next day they were sitting down with their morning cups of coffee. The weather forecast was, "There will be 2 to 4 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the even numbered side of the streets." Again Joe replied, "Jeez, okay," and got up from his coffee. Two days later, again they're sitting down with their cups of coffee and the weather forecast said, "There will be 6 to 8 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the..." and the power went out and Joe didn't get the rest of the instructions. He turned to Joan, "Jeez, what am I going to do now, Joan?" Joan replied, "Aw, Joe, just leave the car in the darned garage today...."
Finally ! A priest rushed from church one day to keep a golf date. He was halfway down the first fairway, waiting to hit his second shot, when he heard the familiar "FORE!" and a ball slammed into his back. Soon the golfer who had made the drive was on the scene to offer his apologies. When the priest assured him that he was all right, the man smiled. "Thank goodness, Father!" he exclaimed. "I've been playing this game for forty years, and now I can finally tell my friends that I've hit my first holy one!"
If your only holiday decoration is a rotting pumpkin -- you just might be a Scrooge
1st Christmas Letter... Zikes! What a year! Joseph forgot to make reservations at the Bethlehem Inn (his carpentry projects aren't the only thing made out of wood!). So they stick us in this stable full of stale hay and stinking animals and guess what??? I go right into labor. My OB doc said: "Make the trip." Anyway, we have a new baby boy that we think is truly special. But it's been a madhouse ever since! First, we can't agree on a name. Joseph likes Emmanuel - I'm holding out for Jesus. Next, all these shepherds stop by to gawk (as if the smell wasn't bad enough). At least those three camel jockeys brought gifts (ever try to exchange myrrh without a receipt?) We can't get a good night's sleep with that stupid star shining through the cracks in the ceiling, and every store in town is sold out of swaddling. Well, got to go! Joseph had another one of his goofy visions so I guess we're off to Egypt. This time, I make the reservations! All my love, Mary
Christmas Shopping After her 90th Birthday, Marie found that shopping for Christmas gifts had become too difficult, so she decided to send cheques to everyone instead. On each card she wrote, "Buy your own present," and she mailed them early. Marie enjoyed the usual flurry of family festivities. Only after Christmas did she get around to clearing off her cluttered desk. Under a stack of papers, she was horrified to find the gift cheques which she had forgotten to enclose.
If you turn on the lawn sprinklers on Christmas Eve to keep carolers away -- you just might be a Scrooge
How to Watch a Partial Solar Eclipse Safely
Dad Trick The little boy greeted his grandmother with a hug and said, "I'm so happy to see you grandma. Now maybe daddy will do the trick he has been promising us." The grandmother was curious. "What trick is that my dear," she asked. The little boy replied, "I heard daddy tell mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit us again."
For Sale: 9 white reindeer. Reindeer are all male and range in age from 5-13 years. TB and brucellosis tested; current on all vaccinations vet- checked and come with health certificates and guarantee of flight. Lead deer has dermatological condition, which is chronic, but doesn't seem to affect pulling ability or visual accuracy. One owner. $2,000.00 apiece/ first $17,000 takes all. Tired of the cold weather and moving to Phoenix. Please contact: Mr. S. Claus, snc@workshop.arc.npole
Xmas Fun - Christmas All Year Round!
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