Winter Wonderland An elderly woman lived on a small farm in Canada, just yards away from the North Dakota border. Their land had been the subject of a minor dispute between the United States and Canada for years. The now widowed woman, lived on the farm with her son and three grandchildren. One day, her son came into her room holding a letter. "I just got some news, Mom," he said. "The government has come to an agreement with the people in North Dakota. They've decided that our land is really part of the United States. We have the right to approve or disapprove of the agreement. What do you think?" "What do I think?" his mother said. "Sign it! Call them right now and tell them we accept. I don't think I could stand another one of those Canadian winters!"   The Poker Game A man came home from a poker game late one night and found his hideous harpy of a wife waiting for him with a rolling pin. "Where the heck have you been?" she asked. "You'll have to pack all your things, dear," he said. "I've just lost you in a card game." "How did you manage to do that, genius?" she asked sarcastically. "It wasn't easy, honest," he told her. "I had to fold with a royal flush." Gloria's Kitchen   Going to the Dentist at Christmas time A man goes to see his dentist due to a severe problem with some dental work. The dentist starts the exam and exclaims, "Holy Cow, the plate I installed in your mouth a few months ago is almost corroded in half. What in the world have you been eating?" The man responds, "Well, a few months ago, my wife served some asparagus tips with a sauce over it that she called a 'Hollandaise Sauce'. It was so delicious, I couldn't get enough of it so I've been using it over eggs, over meat, over fish, over just about everything!" "That must be it then," explains the dentist. "You see, Hollandaise Sauce is made with lemon juice and it must be the acids in the lemon juice that's caused all this corrosion. I'll have to replace the plate but this time I'll use a chrome plate." "Why chrome?" asks the man. "Because," explains the dentist, "everyone knows........." "There's No Plate Like Chrome For The Hollandaise!" It's Christmas - Xmas An Apple A Day While visiting a friend who was in the hospital, I noticed several pretty nurses, each of whom was wearing a pin designed to look like an apple. I asked one nurse what the pin signified. "Nothing," she said with a smile. "It's just to keep the doctors away." Claus.com   Rudolph Christmas was over. Santa and his reindeer finally had a chance to rest. And they deserved it. They had done a good job. Rudolph had a chance to do something he had wanted to do for a long time. He made an appointment with a plastic surgeon because he was so sensitive about his looks. However, it wasn't his glowing proboscis that he wanted changed. He was proud of his nose and the help he had given Santa because of it. No, he was sensitive about his long ears which were much more prominent than the ears of the average reindeer, or bear, for that matter. So one week after Christmas, he let the good doctor do the reconstructive surgical procedure, and since that time, January 1st has been celebrated as ... New Ears Day.   Gift Baskets You Can Make   The Christmas Angel Santa was very cross. It was Christmas Eve and NOTHING was going right. Mrs. Claus had burned all the cookies. The elves were complaining about not getting paid for the overtime they had accrued while making the toys. The reindeer had been drinking all afternoon and were dead drunk. To make matters worse, they had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and had crashed it into a tree. Santa was furious. "I can't believe it! I've got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours, but all of my reindeer are drunk, the elves are on strike, and I don't even have a Christmas tree! I sent that stupid Little Angel out HOURS ago to find a tree, and he isn't even back yet! What am I going to do?" Just then, the Little Angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree. He says, "Yo, fat man! Where do you want me to stick the tree this year?" And thus the tradition of angels atop the Christmas trees came to pass. Christmas Trivia Test   No one can fracture a Christmas carol better than a kid. Sing along with these new takes on old favorites: Deck the Halls with Buddy Holly We three kings of porridge and tar On the first day of Christmas my tulip gave to me Later on we'll perspire, as we dream by the fire. He's makin' a list, chicken and rice. Noel. Noel, Barney's the king of Israel. With the jelly toast proclaim Olive, the other reindeer. Frosty the Snowman is a ferret elf, I say Sleep in heavenly peas In the meadow we can build a snowman, Then pretend that he is sparse and brown You'll go down in listerine Oh, what fun it is to ride with one horse, soap and hay Come, froggy faithful You'll tell Carol, "Be a skunk, I require" Good tidings we bring to you and your kid   Click here to share this page with your friends!