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The Peeping Tom
"My wife caught a Peeping Tom last night, and she'd have killed him if we hadn't stopped her." "He must have made her very angry, peeking at her, huh?" "No, that's not what made her the maddest." "It's not?" "No, she got mad when he reached in the window and closed the curtains."
The Baseball Playing Horse On the first day of Spring Training, a baseball scout brings a race horse with him to add to the starting lineup. The coach asks, "What the heck did you bring that horse here for?" The scout replies, "Wait until you see him bat." All the players are laughing, until the horse comes to bat. At this point, the horse grabs the bat and everyone quiets down. They stare at the horse. The pitcher, just shrugs his shoulders, and throws the ball toward home plate, when astonishingly, the horse hits the ball deep into the outfield. The horse just stands there and does not move. The manager then yells at the baseball scout to tell the horse to run to first base. The scout looks back at the manager and yells back, "If he could run, he'd be at Belmont!"
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Make that Sale! A store manager overheard a clerk saying to a customer, "No, ma'am, we haven't had any for some weeks now, and it doesn't look as if we'll be getting any soon." Alarmed by what was being said, the manager rushed over to the customer who was walking out the door and said, "That isn't true, ma'am. Of course, we'll have some soon. In fact, we placed an order for it a couple of weeks ago." Then the manager drew the clerk aside and growled, "Never, never, never, never say we don't have something. If we don't have it, say we ordered it and it's on its way. Now, what was it she wanted?" The clerk smiled and said... "Rain..."
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The Tax Man A man had fallen between the rails in a subway station. People were all crowding around trying to get him out before the train ran him over. They were all shouting. "Give me your hand!" but the man would not reach up. Finally an old man elbowed his way through the crowd and leaned over the man. "Friend," he asked, "what is your profession?" "I am an income tax inspector," gasped the man. "In that case," said the old man, "take my hand!" The man immediately grasped the old man's hand and was hauled to safety. The old man turned to the amazed by-standers. ``Never ask a tax man to *give* you anything, you fools."
In Trouble Again A married man left from work early one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home, however, he squandered the weekend (and his paycheck) partying with the boys. When he finally returned home on Sunday night, he ran into a barrage of epithets from his wife. After a couple of hours of nagging and berating, his wife asked "How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days?!?" "That would suit me just fine!!" the man said. Monday went by, and the man didn't see his wife. Tuesday went by with the same result. Wednesday went by with the same result. Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little, just out of the corner of his left eye.
Warning: Beer Contains Female Hormones Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned
Small Children Trying to dress an active little one is like trying to thread a sewing machine while it's running. There are only two things a child will share willingly: communicable diseases and their mother's age. Cleaning your house while your kids are at home is like trying to shovel the driveway during a snowstorm. Kids really brighten a household; they never turn off any lights. An alarm clock is a device for waking people up who don't have small kids. Shouting to make your kids obey is like using the horn to steer your car, and you get about the same results! Any child can tell you that the sole purpose of a middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
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Get a Priest! A man is struck by a bus on a busy New York City street. He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers around. "A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasps. A policeman checks the crowd. No priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind. "A PRIEST, PLEASE!" the dying man says again. Then out of the crowd steps a little old man of at least eighty years of age. "Mr. Policeman," says the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Catholic. But for fifty years now I've lived behind St. Mary's Catholic Church on Third Avenue, and every night I've listened to the Catholic litany. Maybe I can be of some comfort to this man." The policeman agreed and brought the octogenarian over to where the dying man lay. He kneels down, leans over the injured and says in a solemn voice: "B 4 ... I 19 ... N 38 ... G 54 ... O 72 ..."
Idiot! A woman was letting her husband have it with just a touch more venom than usual, saying, "You're an idiot. You have always been an idiot. You'll always be an idiot. If they had an idiot contest, you'd come in second." "Why would I come in second?" her husband asked. She replied,"Because you're an idiot!"
The Lost Wrench A mechanic who worked out of his home had a dog named Mace. Mace had a bad habit of eating all the grass in the mechanic's lawn, so the mechanic had to keep Mace inside. The grass eventually became overgrown. One day the mechanic was working on a car in his backyard and dropped his wrench losing it in the tall grass. He couldn't find it for the life of him, so decided to call it a day. That night Mace escaped from the house and ate all the grass in the backyard. The next morning the mechanic went outside and saw his wrench glinting in the sunlight. Realizing what had happened he looked up the the heavens and proclaimed...... "A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound, that saved a wrench for me!"
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