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BillyBob's New
Job
Billy-Bob walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, one round for everyone, on me!" The bartender says, "Well, seems you're in a really good mood tonight, hm?" Billy-Bob says, "Oh, you can bet on it! I just got hired by the city to go around and remove all the money from parking meters. I start on Monday!" The bartender congratulates him and proceeds to pour the round. Monday evening arrives. Billy-Bob comes back into the bar and says, "Bartender, TWO rounds for everyone, on me!" The bartender says, "Well now! If you're so happy just over having this new job, I can just imagine how happy you'll be when you get your paycheck!" Billy-Bob looks at the bartender with a wondrous look on his face, pulls out a handful of quarters from his pocket, and says, "You mean they'll PAY me too?"
A Redneck's Children In the back woods of Mississippi, a redneck's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I am doing." Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. "Whoa there" said the doctor, "don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down. I think there's another one coming. Sure enough, within minutes, he had delivered a baby girl. "Hold that lantern up, don't set it down, there's another one!" said the doctor. Within a few minutes he had delivered another baby girl. "No, no, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern. .. It seems there's yet another one coming!" cried the doctor. The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "You reckon it might be the light that's attractin em?"
A SHORT LESSON ON SOUTHERNISMS......
Beware Of Dog A customer in a little country drug store noticed a sign with the words "Danger! Beware of Dog!" written on it. But instead of a well-trained watch dog, all he saw was a harmless old hound dog sleeping on the floor next to the cash register. He asked the owner of the store: "Is THAT the dog people are supposed to beware of?!" "Yessiree, that's him," the owner replied. The customer couldn't help but laugh. "That sure doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why on Earth would you post that sign?" "Because until I hung up that sign, folks kept tripping over him."
How to Predict the Weather Using a Pig Spleen
Southern Comments
Exclamations:
Threats:
The Weather:
Descriptions:
Insults:
Gloria's Kitchen
Gotta See Pappy sees Elmer walking with a lantern and asks, "Where ya going, boy?" The son smiled and replied, "I'm a-going courting Peggy-Sue." The father said, "When I went a-courtin', I didn't need me no dang lantern." "Sure Pa, I know," the boy said. "And look what you got!"
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A lesson to be learned Farmer Jake had a nagging wife who made his life miserable. The only real peace that he got was when he was out in the field plowing. One day when he was out in the field, Jake's wife brought his lunch to him. Then she stayed while he quietly ate and berated him with a constant stream of nagging and complaining. Suddenly, Jake's old mule kicked up his back legs, striking the wife in the head, and killing her instantly. At the wake, Jake's minister noticed that when the women offered their sympathy to Jake he would nod his head up and down. But when the men came up and spoke quietly to him, he would shake his head from side to side. When the wake was over and all the mourners had left, the minister approached Jake and asked, "Why was it that you nodded your head up and down to all the women and shook your head from side to side to all the men?" "Well," Jake replied, "The women all said how nice she looked, and her dress was so pretty, so I agreed by nodding my head up and down." The men all asked, "Is that mule for sale!?"
Car Trouble A man was driving down a country road in the middle of dairy farm country when his car stalled inexplicably. He got out and raised the hood to see if he could find out what had happened. A brown and white cow slowly lumbered from the field she had been grazing in over to the car and stuck her head under the hood beside the man. After a moment the cow looked at the man and said, "Looks like a bad carbuerator to me." Then she walked back into the field and began grazing again. Amazed, the man walked back to the farmhouse he had just passed, where he met a farmer. "Hey, mister, is that your cow in the field?" he asked. The farmer replied, "The brown and white one? Yep, that's old Bessie." The man then said, "Well my car's broken down, and she just said, 'Looks like a bad carbuerator to me.'" The farmer shook his head and said, "Don't mind old Bessie, son. She don't know a thing about cars."
A hillbilly was making his first visit to a hospital where his teenage son was about to have an operation. Watching the doctor's every move, he asked, "what's that?" The doctor explained, "this is an anesthetic. After he gets this he won't know a thing." "Save your time, Doc," exclaimed the man. "He don't know nothing now."
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