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No man is ever completely worthless. He can at least be used as a bad example!
Passing the Interview A dog was ambling down the street and saw the sign. He looked at it for a moment, pulled it down with his mouth, and walked into the manager's office, making it clear he wished to apply for the job. The office manager laughed and said, "I can't hire a dog for this job." The dog pointed to the line: "An equal opportunity employer." So the manager said, "OK, take this letter and type it." The dog went off to the word processor and returned a minute later with the finished letter, perfectly formatted. The manager said, "Alright, here's a problem. Write a computer program for it and run it." Fifteen minutes later, the dog came back with the correct answer. The manager still wasn't convinced. "I still can't hire you for this position. You've got to be bilingual." The dog looked up at the manager and said, "Meow."
Moving to Chicago A man was telling his co-worker one day that the company was transferring him to Chicago. He explained that he was going to quit before he had to move there. When asked why, he replied that he was just too afraid of all the crime even though he would be passing up a big salary increase and greater benefits. His co worker said to reconsider. Chicago was a magnificent city, with world class museums, loaded with a great history, sites, good public transportation, etc. Then he said, "Why I myself worked in Chicago for almost 10 years, and in all that time I never ever had a problem with crime while I was working." The first asked, "What did you do there?" To which the other replied, "I was tail-gunner on a bread truck."
Ten Little Gigabytes........ Ten little gigabytes, waiting on line one caught a virus, then there were nine. Nine little gigabytes, holding just the date,someone jambed a write protect, then there were eight. Eight little gigabytes, should have been eleven,then they cut the budget, now there are seven. Seven little gigabytes, involved in mathamatics stored an even larger prime, now there are six. Six little gigabytes, working like a hive,one died of overwork, now there are five. Five little gigabytes, trying to add more plugged in the wrong lead, now there are four. Four little gigabytes, failing frequently,one used for spare parts, now there are three. Three little gigabytes, have too much to do service man on holiday, now there are two. Two little gigabytes, badly over run,took the work elsewhere, now just need one. One little gigabyte, systems far too small shut the whole thing down, now there's none at all.
THINK QUICK Back in those days, it was required that in order for a student to receive credit for a particular course, a card (listing of his/her courses) had to be signed by the instructor/lecturer. It was, at the time, policy that students attend their courses. But depending on the size of the class, it was often quite possible to receive credit, even after not attending the class regularly. Not so, with this physics professor...if he didn't recognize you, you would have to repeat the course (& attend!). On one occasion, a student handed his card to be signed. The professor looked at the name, then at the student, and said, "I've never seen you in my class," and handed back the card. Now being a science student, he naturally thought quickly, and proceeded to the end of the line. When he was at the front again, he handed his card to the prof. The prof looked at the name, then at the student, and said, "You look familiar. OK," and signed the card.
Who Gets The Dog? President Clinton noticed a group of boys surrounding a dog. Concerned lest the boys were hurting the dog, he went over and asked, "What are you doing with that dog?" One of the boys replied, "This dog is a neighborhood stray. We all want him, but only one of us can take him home. So we've decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to keep the dog." Of course, the president was taken aback. "You boys shouldn't be having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then launched into a ten minute sermon against lying,beginning, "Don't you boys know it's a sin to lie," and ending with, "Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie." There was dead silence for about a minute. Just as the president was beginning to think he'd gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said, "All right, give him the dog.
The Life of Riley A new man was brought into Prison Cell 102. Already locked-up there was a long-time resident who looked to be about 100 years-old. The new man looked at the old-timer inquiringly. The old-timer said, "Look at me. I'm old and worn out. You'd never believe that I used to live the life of Riley. I wintered on the Riviera, had a boat, four fine cars, the most beautiful women and I ate in all the best restaurants in France." The new man asked, "What happened?" The old-timer replied, "One day Riley reported his credit cards missing!"
No Cure for the Common Cold "It's just a cold," the doctor said. "There is no cure, and you'll just have to live with it until it goes away." "But Doctor," the patient whined, "it's making me so miserable." The doctor rolled his eyes toward the ceiling. Then he said, "Look, go home and take a hot bath. Then put a bathing suit on and run around the block three or four times." "What!" the patient exclaimed. "I'll get pneumonia!" "We have a cure for pneumonia," the doctor said.
GRAB THE GATOR! FREE SOFTWARE! Man goes to see the Rabbi "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it." The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?" The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me." The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?" The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?" The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know." A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?" The man anxiously says, "Yes." "Take the poison," says the Rabbi.
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