Help wanted. Must type 70 words a minute. Must be computer literate. Must be bilingual. An equal opportunity employer.

A man asked his doctor if he thought he'd live to be a hundred. The doctor asked the man, "Do you smoke or drink?"

"No," he replied, "I've never done either."

"Do you gamble, drive fast cars, and fool around with women?" inquired the doctor.

"No, I've never done any of those things either."

"Well then," said the doctor, "what do you want to live to be a hundred for?"

A Chat with the Creator Topic : Lawns

So what if ...    you just took a fast acting laxative and some clown in a mini car sneaked up behind you and blew his horn...Keep Smiling

Two blonde gals went together to play the slot machines at the casino. Each agreed that when her allotted money was gone, she would go to the front of the casino and sit on the bench to wait for the other. Trixie quickly lost all of her money and went to sit on the bench. She waited and waited. After what seemed an eternity, she saw Patty coming toward her carrying a huge sack of coins.

"Hey, Trixie," said Patty, "how'd you do?"

"Not very good" came the reply. "I've been waiting here for hours."

"You should have been with me...did I find a good machine!

It's way in the back. I'll show it to you...you can't lose!

Every time You put a dollar in, you win four quarters!"

Circus

So what if ...    you just waited in line for twenty minutes to get to the only thing around that looked like a "John", and when it came your turn you found out it was a phone booth...Keep Smiling

Lawnmower for sale

A preacher was making his rounds to his parishoners on a bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawnmower.

"How much do you want for the mower?" asked the preacher.

"I'm just trying to make enough money to buy a bicycle," said the little boy.

After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, "Will you take my bike in trade for it?"

The boy said, "You got a deal."

The preacher took the mower and tried to crank it. He pulled on the string a few times with no response from the mower.

The preacher called the little boy over and said, "I can't get this mower to start."

The little boy said, "That's 'cause you have to cuss at it to get it started."

The preacher said, "I'm a minister, and I can't cuss. It's been so long since I've been saved that I don't know if I even remember how to cuss."

The little boy looked at him happily and said, "Just keep pulling on that string. It'll come back to ya!"

Recipes By Gloria#8

So what if ...    you decided to take a snooze on a park bench, And all the pigeons within a twenty mile radius mistook you for a statue...Keep Smiling

Driver's License

When I went to get my driver's license renewed, our local motor-vehicle bureau was packed. The line inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me finally got his license.

He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, "I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture."

"The clerk looked at his picture closely. "It's okay," he reassured the man: "That's how you're going to look when the cops pull you over anyway."

So what if ...    you've argued with the boss for ten minutes over the dinner check, and just as he gives in you left you wallet in your other pants...Keep Smiling

Too Much Help!

The cavalryman was galloping down the road, rushing to catch up with his regiment. Suddenly his horse stumbled and pitched him to the ground. In the dirt with a broken leg, terrified of the approaching enemy, the soldier called out: "All you saints in heaven, help me get up on my horse!"

Then, with superhuman effort, he leaped onto the horse's back and fell off the other side. Once again on the ground, he called to the heavens: "All right, just half of you this time!"

So what if ...    you finally made it to the restroom and found they only had pay toilets- and you don't have a dime to your name...Keep Smiling

A man went to visit his doctor. "Doctor, my arm hurts bad. Can you check it out please?" the man pleads.

The doctor rolls up the man's sleeve and suddenly hears the arm talk. "Hello Doctor," says the arm. "Could you lend me twenty bucks please? I'm desperate."

The doctor says, "Aha! I see the problem. Your arm is broke!"

So what if ...    you mistook the hairspray can for your deodorant, and now you can't raise your arms...Keep Smiling

The Rainy Day Resource Page

"Duel"

Nine-year-old Aaron came home from the playground with a bloody nose, black eye, and torn clothing. It was obvious he'd been in a bad fight and lost. While his father was patching him up, he asked his son what happened.

"Well, Dad," said Aaron, "I challenged Larry to a duel. And, you know, I gave him his choice of weapons."

"Uh-huh," said the father, "that seems fair."

"I know, but I never thought he'd choose his sister!"

FunBrain.com

So what if ...    you finally made it up hill to the outhouse and found that the neighbor kid had nailed the door shut...Keep Smiling

NEWSPAPERS

1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.
2. The New York Times is read by people who think they run the country.
3. The Washington Post is read by people who think they ought to run the
   country.
4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't understand the Washington Post.
5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country, if they could spare the time.
6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country.
7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country.
8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the
   country, as long as they do something scandalous.
9. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is
   a country, or that anyone is running it.
10. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country.
     

Pickled Pumpkin Recipes from the Talaxian Kitchen recipe collection at ByRoads Magazine by VanDerGraff, Inc.

So what if ...    you mistook your tube of hair cream for toothpaste, and now your teeth have dandruff...Keep Smiling

After church on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided I'm going to be a minister when I grow up.

"That's okay with us," the mother said, "But what made you decide to be a minister?"

"Well," the boy replied, "I'll have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell than to sit still and listen.

Picture.com is awarding over 250 prizes totaling $58,000 to amateur photographers. The contest is open to everyone and entry is FREE! Visit Picture.com now! Click Here

So what if ...    you're dining in a swanky restaurant when you notice your zipper is open, and after having corrected the situation, You stand up and find you've caught your tie in your fly...Keep Smiling

Bob had finally made it to the last round of the $5,000,000 Question. The night before the big question, he told the M.C. that he desired a question on American History.

The big night had arrived. Bob made his way on stage in front of the studio and TV audience. He had become the talk of the week. He was the best guest this show had ever seen. The M.C. stepped up to the mic.

"Bob, you have chosen American History as your final question. You know that if you correctly answer this question, you will walk away $5,000,000 dollars richer. Are you ready?"

Bob nodded with a cocky confidence-the crowd went nuts. He hadn't missed a question all week.

"Bob, your question on American History is a two-part question. As you know, you may answer either part first. As a rule, the second half of the question is always easier. Which part would you like to take a stab at first?"

Bob was now becoming more noticeably nervous. He couldn't believe it, but he was drawing a blank. American History was his easiest subject, but he played it safe. "I'll try the easier part first."

The M.C. nodded approvingly. "Here we go Bob. I will ask you the second half first, then the first half."

The audience silenced with gross anticipation . . .

"Bob, here is your question: And in what year did it happen??"

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