CONFUCIUS SAY..... "Man who run in front of car get tired"

The Praying Man

A journalist assigned to the Jerusalem bureau takes an apartment

overlooking the Wailing Wall. Every day when she looks out, she sees an old Jewish man praying vigorously. So, the journalist goes down and introduces herself to the old man.

She asks, "You come every day to the wall. How long have you done that and what are you praying for?"

The old man replies, "I have come here to pray every day for 25 years. In the morning I pray for world peace and then for the brotherhood of man. I go home have a cup of tea and I come back and pray for the eradication of illness and disease from the earth."

The journalist is amazed. "How does it make you feel to come here every day for 25 years and pray for these things?" she asks.

The old man looks at her sadly. "Like I'm talking to a wall."

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CONFUCIUS SAY..... "Man who run behind car get exhausted"

Milking the Cow

After much urging by his wife, my Uncle Joe applied for work on a farm. The foreman decided to give him a try and told him to milk a cow, equipping him with a stool and a bucket. An hour later Uncle Joe returned dirty and sweaty, the bucket in one hand and the broken stool in the other.

"Extracting the milk was easy," he explained. "The hardest part was getting that stubborn cow to sit on the stool."

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CONFUCIUS SAY..... "Two wrongs not make a right - Three lefts do"

FORE!!!!!

A priest rushed from church one day to keep a golf date. He was halfway down the first fairway, waiting to hit his second shot, when he heard the familiar "FORE!" and a ball slammed into his back.

Soon the golfer who had made the drive was on the scene to offer his apologies. When the priest assured him that he was all right, the man smiled. "Thank goodness, Father!" he exclaimed. "I've been playing this game for forty years, and now I can finally tell my friends that I've hit my first holy one!"

Recipes by Gloria

 

CONFUCIUS SAY..... "Man who eat many prunes get good run for money."

The Great Flood

A torrential rain soaked South Louisiana, and the resulting floodwaters came up about 6 feet. Mrs. Boudreaux was sitting on her roof with her neighbor, Mrs. Thibodaux, waiting for help to come. Mrs. Thibodaux noticed a lone baseball cap floating near the house. She saw it repeatedly float far out into the front yard, then float all the way back. She asked Mrs. Boudreaux, "Do you see that baseball cap?" Mrs. Boudreaux said, "Oh yes, that's my husband; I told him he was going to cut the grass today come Hell or high water!"

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CONFUCIUS SAY..... "Man who tell one too many light bulb jokes soon burn out!"

Breakfast

John, looking as if he had lost his last friend, entered a restaurant one morning and sat down at a table. Said to the waitress, "Bring me two eggs fried hard, a slice of toast burned to a cinder, and a cup of very weak coffee."

As she set the order in front of him, she asked, "Anything else, sir?"

"Yes," he answered, "now sit down and nag me. I'm homesick."

CONFUCIUS SAY..... "Man who sit on tack get point!"

The Dog and the Butcher

The Golf Game

A young man, who was also an avid golfer, found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old man to join him.

To his surprise, the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time.

Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball and directly between his ball and the green.

After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot, the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age, I'd hit the ball right over that tree."

With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.

The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age, that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."

 

CONFUCIUS SAY..... "Man who stand on toilet is high on pot!"

Speedy Travel

Unaware that Indianapolis is on Eastern Standard Time and Chicago on Central Standard Time, Bob inquired at the Indianapolis airport about a plane to Chicago.

"The next flight leaves at 1:00 p.m.," a ticket agent said, "and arrives in Chicago at 1:01 p.m."

"Would you repeat that, please?" Bob asked.

The agent did so and then inquired, "Do you want a reservation?"

"No," said Bob, "But I think I'll hang around and watch that thing take off."

Gentlemen....Start Your Engines!!

Birth Defect

A man is waiting for wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.

After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink; dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.

Swoooop! A torso pops out!

The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink"! The bartender still shakes his head in dismay.

Swoooop! Two arms pop out. The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again.

The patrons chant, "Take another drink"! The bartender ignores the whole affair. By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it.

Swoooop! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos.

The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God.

The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left . . .Then to the right . . . right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.

The bar falls silent. The bartender sighs and says, "That boy should have quit while he was still a head."

 

CONFUCIUS SAY..... "War doesn't determine who's right.    War determines who's left."

Patient - "Doctor, you've got to help me, some mornings I wake up and think I'm Donald Duck, other mornings I think I'm Mickey Mouse."

Doctor - "Hmmmmmmm, and how long have you been having these Disney spells?"

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The Error

A new monk arrived at the monastery. He was assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He noticed, however, that they were copying copies, not the original books. The new monk went to the head monk to ask him about this. He pointed out that if there were an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the other copies.

The head monk said, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." The head monk went down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original.

Hours later, nobody had seen him, so one of the monks went downstairs to look for him. He heard a sobbing coming from the back of the cellar and found the old monk leaning over one of the original books, crying. He asked what was wrong.

"The word is 'celebrate,' not 'celibate'!" sobed the head monk.

 

CONFUCIUS SAY..... "Man who lives in glass house should change in basement"

Bear Hunting

Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it.

When the enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could. He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step. Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat.

Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.

The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, "You skin this one while I go and get another!"

 

CONFUCIUS SAY..... "If you want pretty nurse, you got to be patient."

The Catfish Institute

MOM'S BROWNIE RECIPE

Remove teddy bear from oven and tell Billy "No, No." preheat oven to 375.

Melt 1 cup margarine in saucepan.

Add margarine to 2 cups sugar.

Take shortening can away from Billy and clean cupboards.

Measure 1/3 cup cocoa.

Take shortening can away from Billy again and bathe cat.

Apply antiseptic and bandages to scratches sustained while removing shortening from cat's tail.

Assemble 4 eggs, 2 tsp. vanilla, and 1-1/2 cups sifted flour.

Take smoldering teddy bear from oven and open all doors and open windows for ventilation.

Take telephone away from Billy and assure party on the line the call was a mistake. Call operator and attempt to have direct dialed call removed from bill.

Measure 1 tsp. salt, 1/2 cup nuts and beat all ingredients well.

Let cat out of refrigerator.

Pour mixture into well-greased 9x13-inch pan.

Bake 25 minutes.

Rescue cat and take razor away from Billy. Explain to kids that you have no idea if shaved cats will sunburn. Throw cat outside while there's still time and he's still able to run away.

Frosting Mix the following in saucepan:

1 cup sugar

1 oz unsweetened chocolate

1/4 cup margarine Take the darn teddy bear out of the @#$% broiler and throw it away -- far away.

Answer the door and meekly explain to the nice policeman that you didn't know Billy had slipped out of the house and was heading for the street. Put Billy in playpen.

Add 1/3 cup milk, dash of salt, and boil, stirring constantly for 2 minutes.

Answer door and apologize to neighbor for Billy having stuck a garden hose in man's front door mail slot.

Promise to pay for ruined carpet.

Tie Billy to clothesline.

Remove burned brownies from oven.

 

CONFUCIUS SAY..... A lot of things CONFUCIUS talk too much!

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