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ISSUE #171
All the material that is used in the Keep Smiling newsletters has been collected from the email that is sent to othrrggrs@aol.com. Keep Smiling does not claim to be the creator of any of the material unless otherwise noted. I want to pay a special thank you to jaystrabota@aol.com for the changes in the design that he has contributed to Keep Smiling, and a special thank you to Bugsy2u@aol.com for "Recipes by Gloria" that you have been enjoying for the past three weeks, and hopefully many more to come. LadyBumpe@aol.com, who has her own ezine of a more adult nature, contributes a lot of material and shares links for Keep Smiling pages with her audience, and has been a friend of Keep Smiling for many years. MrsWebWoman@aol.com for her site "Nancy Does Windows" that you have seen used often in the Keep Smiling website that has helped us all with computer problems. Thank you Marabelle and Okey Dokey and all the other clowns for your professional pictures that you have allowed Keep Smiling to use. Also Keep Smiling is going to have a new flash intro to the website courtesy of alphaandomega22@aol.com hopefully we will have this up next week for you to see. If you have anything that you would like to contribute to Keep Smiling , whether it be a webpage or a webmaster skills, a link to your webpage, pictures, cartoons, or a joke that tickles your funnybone, send it to othrrggrs@aol.com. (Keep Smiling reserves the right to decide what material is going to be used)
On with the show this is it!
TALKING DOG A man tried to sell his neighbor a new dog. "This is a talking dog," he said. "And you can have him for five dollars." The neighbor said, "Who do you think you're kidding with this talking dog stuff? There ain't no such animal." Suddenly the dog looked up with tears in his eyes. "Please buy me, sir," he pleaded. "This man is cruel. He never buys me a meal, never bathes me, never takes me for a walk. And I used to be the richest trick dog in America. I performed before kings. I was in the army and was decorated ten times." "Hey!" said the neighbor. "He can talk. Why do you want to sell him for just five dollars?" "Because," said the seller, "I'm getting tired of all his lies."
Good Shot Two long-time golfing buddies got to the course one day and decided that this day they would play the ball where it lies..."No matter what!" On the 14th hole, one of them sliced his drive and it ended up on the cart path. As he reached down to pick up his ball to get relief, his friend said, "Wait a minute! We agreed that we would not improve our lies! Remember? No matter what!" The first player tried to explain that he was entitled to this relief, that it was in the rules of golf. But the second fellow would not allow it. Throwing up his hands in disgust, the man went to the cart and grabbed a club. As he stood near his ball, he took a few practice swings, each time scraping the club on the pavement and sending out showers of sparks. Finally, he took his shot. The club hit the path again, sparks went flying but his ball shot straight towards the green, landed and rolled to a stop two inches from the cup. "Great shot!" his friend exclaimed. "What club did you use?" The man gave him a wry smile, "YOUR 7 iron!"
Attracted to his work The artist tried to concentrate on his work, but the attraction he felt for his model finally became irresistible. He threw down his palette, took her in his arms and kissed her. She pushed him away. "Maybe your other models let you kiss them," she said. "I've never tried to kiss a model before," he swore. "Really?" she said, softening, "How many models have there been?" "Four," he replied, "A jug, two apples, and a vase."
"It Isn't What It Sounds Like" Howard County Police officers still write their reports by hand, and the data is entered later by a computer tech into their database. One theft report stated that a farmer had lost 2,025 pigs. Thinking that to be an error, the tech called the farmer directly. "Is it true Mr. (Smith) that you lost 2,025 pigs?" she asked. "Yeth." lisped the farmer. Being a Howard County girl herself, the tech entered: "Subject lost 2 sows and 25 pigs."
Evite is a new, free Web
service that makes events happen in the easiest way possible! It cuts down
on the time, costs and hassles that are usually associated with event
coordination. Why spend hours trying to get a hold of your friends and associates
through voice mail and email when you can save yourself hours by using Evite?
With Evite you can evite your entire group in one step. Evite will then tally
the RSVPs, and display group feedback and decisions on a private, personalized
group event web page - created just for you and your group. But it's not
just about saving time; it's about fun too! Whether it's a party, movie,
BBQ, sporting event, dinner outing or a club meeting, Evite leverages the
best of the Web (email, customizable electronic invitations, maps, etc.)
to help you create excitement around your event and motivate your group to
action and fun.
Bzzzzzz The summer band class was just getting under way when a large insect flew into the room. The sixth-graders, eager to play their shiny new instruments, tried to ignore the buzzing intruder, but eventually one student could stand it no more. He rolled up his music book and swatted the insect, then he stomped on it to ensure its fate. "Is it a bee?" another student asked. "Nope," he replied. "It's a bee flat."
A man in the pub orders a beer. He gets it and begins to drink it and notices the beer is kind of warm. so he mentions something to the bartender, who tells him to shut up and just drink his beer. Then it it's time to pay and instead of giving three $1 dollar bills to the bartender, the guy throws 30 dimes behind the counter. The bartender is upset and is on his hands and knees collecting change as the guy leaves. The next day the man is back and he comes in waiving a $5 dollar bill. The bartender thinks: "Okay, business is business" and lets him in. Again, The beer is kind of warm, but the guy doesn't say anything. Comes time to pay, the man gives him the $5 bill. The bartender goes To the register to get the change, but instead of taking out two $1 dollar bills, he takes out 20 dimes and throws them all around the entire pub. The bartender says: "There is your bloody change!" The man looks around and remains quite calm. He takes out 10 dimes, throws them behind the counter and says: "Gimme another beer!"
Sign Jesus is wandering around Jerusalem when he decides he really needs a new robe. After looking around, he sees a sign for "Finkelstein, the Tailor." He goes in and Finkelstein prepares a new robe for him, which is a perfect fit. When he asks how much he owes, Finkelstein brushes him off: "No, no, no, for the Son of God? There's no charge! However, may I ask a small favor? Maybe whenever you give a sermon you could just mention a little something about how your nice new robe was made by Finkelstein the Tailor." Jesus readily agrees and, as promised, plugs Finkelstein's robes every time he preaches. Some months later, he is walking through Jerusalem and happens by Finkelstein's shop. There is a huge line of people waiting for Finkelstein's robes. He pushes his way through the crowd to speak to Finkelstein. "Jesus, Jesus, look what a marvel you've been for business," gushed Finkelstein. "Would you consider a partnership?" "Sure, sure," replies Jesus. "Jesus & Finkelstein it is." "Uh, no, no," says Finkelstein. "Finkelstein & Jesus." After all, I am the craftsman." The two of them debated this for some time. Their discussion was long, spirited, but ultimately fruitful. Finally, they come up with a mutually acceptable compromise. A few days later, the new sign went up over Finkelstein's shop... "LORD & TAYLOR" |
Hello everyone! Welcome to another issue of the Keep smiling
newsletter.
