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Schizophrenia beats being alone
Red meat is NOT bad for you.
POP! The First Human Male Pregnancy
Reflections Two ladies were hanging out together and one was depressed. "What's wrong?" The depressed one replied, "I've been married four times and every one of my husbands has passed away." The other lady asked, "What did they used to do?" The depressed lady replied, "Well, my first husband was a millionaire, the second was a magician, the third was an evangelist, and the fourth was a mortician." And the other said, "Oh, I see, one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go...
Janie's Home of Friendship Poems Stories and Inspiration
Happy Birthday A couple had been married for 25 years and, the same year, also celebrated their 60th birthdays. So a big festive party was held in their honor. During the celebration a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each. The wife wanted to travel the world. The fairy waved her wand and Boom! She had the plane tickets in her hand. Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, then said shyly, "Well, I'd like to have a woman 30 years younger than me." The fairy picked up her wand and Boom! He was 90 years-old.
Dumb Laws From Arizona... State Laws:
City Laws... Glendale
Maricopa County
Mesa
Mohave County
Nogales
Prescott
Tucson
Tombstone
Help! A violent tropical storm enveloped a sailing yacht off the southern coast of Florida lasting all night and most of the next morning. As the sky cleared and the seas calmed, the people on the yacht realized they were grounded on a coral reef about a mile from shore in shark infested waters. Most of those aboard the yacht were badly injured from their ordeal. The only able bodied that were on board were a doctor, a priest, and a lawyer. The doctor says "Someone is going to have to swim ashore and get some help. I would volunteer but most of the crew and passengers are in pretty bad shape and I am needed here to care for them." The priest replies "I would volunteer to go also but I might be needed to comfort the injured or perform last rights."The lawyer says "No problem." He immediately strips off his shirt and dives into the shark infested water. There is a great turbulence in the water and then the doctor and priest notice that all of the sharks have formed a double line from the yacht to the beach allowing the lawyer to swim between them."My god!", says the priest. "It is a miracle!" The doctor looking at the lawyer swimming to shore says,"No father. It is not a miracle. It's professional courtesy!"
Attitude A woman was waiting in the check-out line at a shopping center. Her arms were laden with a mop and broom and other cleaning supplies. By her actions and deep sighs, it was obvious she was in a hurry and not happy about the slowness of the line. When the cashier called for a price check on a box of soap, the woman remarked indignantly, "Well, I'll be lucky to get out of here and home before Christmas!" "Don't worry, ma'am," replied the clerk. "With that wind kicking up out there and that brand new broom you have there, you'll be home in no time."
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Telling a Joke The inmates of a prison had a joke book they all had memorized. They way they recited jokes was by the number of the joke. Some fellow would call out a number from one to one hundred and all would laugh. A new man in the prison, after studying the book, said he wanted to tell a joke. They said, "Okay, shoot!" He said, "Number 10," but nobody laughed. He said "This is funny. What's wrong; why aren't you laughing?" A fellow nearby said, "Some can tell them and some can't."
Something To Think About 1. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it. 2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity. 3. I doubt, therefore I might be. 4. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it. 5. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups. 6. The older you get, the better you realize you were. 7. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday. 8. Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things. 9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. 10. Women like silent men, they think they're listening. 11. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry? 12. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it? 13. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting? 14. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
TwiStar
MRS. PIERPOINT Worried that they hadn't heard anything for days from the widow in the apartment next door, the mother said to her son, "Tony, would you go next door and see how old Mrs. Pierpoint is?" A few minutes later, Tony returned. "Well, is she all right?" asked the mother. "She's fine, but she's rather annoyed with you," remarked Tony. "At me?" the mother exclaimed. "Whatever for?" Tony replied, "Mrs. Pierpoint said it's none of your business how old she is."
The Snobs A married couple trying to live up to a snobbish lifestyle went to a party. The conversation turned to Mozart. "Absolutely brilliant, magnificent, a genius!" The woman, wanting to join in the conversation, remarked casually, "Ah, Mozart. You're so right. I love him. Only this morning I saw him getting on the No. 5 bus going to Coney Island." There was a sudden hush, and everyone looked at her. Her husband was mortified. He pulled her away and whispered, "We're leaving right now. Get your coat and let's get out of here." As they drove home, he kept muttering to himself. Finally his wife turned to him. "You're angry about something." "Oh really? You noticed?" he sneered. "I've never been so embarrassed in my life! You saw Mozart take the No. 5 bus to Coney Island? You idiot! Don't you know the No. 5 bus doesn't go out to Coney Island?"
Little Johnny A teacher asked her students if they could use the words 'defeat, defense, and detail' in a sentence. Little Johnny was a smart-aleck, so he answered with, "De feet of de dog went over de fence before de tail."
Desserts
by Gloria
In The Confessional A man with a nagging secret couldn't keep it any longer. In the confessional he admitted that for years he had been stealing building supplies from the lumberyard where he worked. "What did you take?" his priest asked. "Enough to build my own house and enough for my son's house. And houses for our two daughters and our cottage at the lake." "This is very serious," the priest said. "I shall have to think of a far-reaching penance. Have you ever done a retreat?" "No, Father, I haven't," the man replied. "But if you can get the plans, I can get the lumber."
Clean Humor
another source of safe humor for you and your family. My favorite joke, this is an example of my life 34 THINGS I'VE LEARNED FROM MY CHILDREN: 1... There is no such thing as child-proofing your house. 2... If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite. 3... A 3 year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant. 4... If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing batman underwear and a superman cape. 5... It is strong enough however to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room. 6... Baseballs make marks on ceilings. 7... You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. 8... When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. 9... A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way. 10... The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan. 11... When you hear the toilet flush and the words Uh-oh, it's already too late. 12... Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it. 13... A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies. 14... A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day. 15... If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoe it does not leak- it explodes. 16... A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep. 17... Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old. 18... Duplos will not. 19... Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence. 20... Super glue is forever. 21... No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water. 22... Pool filters do not like Jell-O. 23... VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do. 24... Garbage bags do not make good parachutes. 25... Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving. 26... You probably do not want to know what that odor is. 27... Always look in the oven before you turn it on. 28... Plastic toys do not like ovens. 29... The fire department in Austin has at least a 5 minute response time. 30... The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy. 31... It will however make cats dizzy. 32... Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy. 33... Quiet does not necessarily mean don't worry. 34... A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life (unfortunately, mostly in retrospect).
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Paid in Full A man in a bar has a couple of beers, and the bartender tells him he owes $4. "But I paid, don't you remember?" says the customer. "Okay," says the bartender, "If you said you paid, you did." The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid. The second man then ruses in, orders a beer and later pulls the same stunt. The barkeep replies, "If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it." Soon the customer goes into the street, sees an old friend, and tells him how to get free drinks. The man hurries into the bar and begins to drink high-balls when, suddenly, the bartender leans over sand says, "You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched right in the nose." "Don't bother me with your troubles," the final patron responds. "Just give me my change and I'll be on my way." |
