 |
Issue #167
One more note: Keep Smiling is made from the material that is submitted to othrrggrs@aol.com so please feel free to send the things you find funny or amusing to othrrggrs@aol.com
Contrary to popular belief:
The DC at the end of Washington DC
Anne's Baby World - Sleeping Baby <... sshhhHHHH!!! ...>
Tip the Dealer A blackjack dealer and a player with a thirteen count in his hand were arguing about whether or not it was appropriate to tip the dealer. The player said, "When I get bad cards, it's not the dealer's fault. Accordingly, when I get good cards, the dealer obviously had nothing to do with it so, why should I tip him?" The dealer said, "When you eat out do you tip the waiter?" "Yes." "Well then, he serves you food, I'm serving you cards so you should tip me." "Okay, but, the waiter gives me what I ask for. I'll take an eight.
The Golf Game Shortly after the Pope had apologized to the Nation of Israel for the treatment of Jews by the Catholic Church over the years, Ehud Barak, the leader of Israel, sent back a message to the College of Cardinals. The proposal was for a friendly game of golf to be played between the two leaders or their representatives to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Catholic and Jewish faiths. The Pope met with his College of Cardinals to discuss the proposal. "Your Holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Barak wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show that you are old and unable to compete I am afraid that this would tarnish our image to the world." The Pope thought about this and as he had never held a golf club in his life asked, "Don't we have a Cardinal to represent me?" "None that plays golf very well," a Cardinal replied. "But," he added, "there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a Cardinal, then ask him to play Mr.Barak as your personal representative. In addition to showing our spirit of co-operation, we'll also win the match." Everyone agreed it was a great idea. The call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play as a representative of the Pope. The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result. "I have some good news and some bad news, Your Holiness," said the golfer. "Tell me the good news, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope. "Well, Your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I've played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful, and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous." "How can there be bad news?" the Pope asked. Nicklaus sighed, "I lost to Rabbi Tiger Woods by three strokes."
He's big, red and totally irresistible! Scholastic has created this brand-new offer especially for children and parents who love reading and playing with Clifford. While he entertains and delights, Clifford teaches lasting lessons that help children grow and learn. Valid only in the U.S.
Not Quite Legal A blonde was trying to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had almost 230,000 miles on it. One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon. The brunette told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal." "That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if I can only sell the car." "Okay," said the brunette. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will 'fix it'. Then you shouldn't have a problem anymore trying to sell your car." The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "Did you sell your car?" "No," replied the blonde, "Why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!"
There was this rabbi in a small town, and he was really curious about why so many people ate pork. He really wanted to try some, but there was nowhere in town he could go and not be seen. One weekend, he made and excuse and traveled to a distant town, went into a restaurant, and ordered the first pork-containing item on the menu. While he's waiting for his order to be prepared, the president of his congregation walks in. He sees the rabbi and asks if he could join him for dinner, and the rabbi has no choice but to agree. A while later, the waiter returns with the rabbi's meal. He takes the cover off the platter, and there is a whole roast pig, with an apple in its mouth. The congregation president is more than a little surprised. "What a fancy place," explains the rabbi quickly. "Just look at how they serve an apple."
Make eTour.com
your start page,
Walking on Water Jerry had heard a family rumor that his father, grandfather and even his great-grandfather all "walked on water" on their 21st birthday. So, on his 21st birthday, he and his good friend Brian headed out to the lake. "If they could do it, so can I!" Jerry told Brian. Jerry and Brian arrived at the lake and rented a boat. They paddled out to the middle. Jerry stepped off of the side boat . . . and damn near drowned. Furious, he had Brian drive him back to the Family Farm and asked his grandmother why he hadn't been blessed with the same "gift" as the others in the family. Grandmother took Jerry by the hands, looked into his face, and said, "That's because your father, grand-father, and great-grandfather were born in January. You were born in July."
What's in the Pocket? A businessman entered a tavern, sat down at the bar, and ordered a double martini on the rocks. After he finished the drink, he peeked inside his shirt pocket, then he ordered another double martini. After he finished that one, he again peeked inside his shirt pocket and ordered another double martini. Finally, the bartender said, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long. But you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill." The customer replied, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, then I know it's time to go home."
The Lord's prayer: 66 words Archimedes' Principle: 67 words The 10 Commandments: 179 words The Gettysburg address: 286 words The Declaration of Independence: 1,300 words The US Government regulations on the sale of cabbage: 26,911 words
Ok, every one. In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods. 1. On Sears hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping". 2. On a bag of Fritos: "You could be winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside." 3. On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." 4. On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestions: Defrost." 5. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box): "Do not turn upside down". 6. On Marks Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating". 7. On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body". 8. On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." 9. On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness". 10. On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only". 11. On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use". 12. On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: Contains nuts". 13. On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." 14. On a child's Superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." 15. On a Swedish chain saw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals". 16. On a bottle of Palmolive Dishwashing liquid: "Do not use on food." 17. On a tube of Crest Toothpaste: "If swallowed contact poison control." 18. On a bottle of ALL laundry detergent: "Remove clothing before distributing in washing machine."
Tree
Card Games
In life there are two things to worry about: either you are well or you are sick. If you are well then there is nothing to worry about, but if you are sick there are only two things to worry about: either you get well or you die. If you get well then there is nothing to worry about. But if you die there are only two things to worry about: either you will go to heaven or to hell. If you go to heaven then there is nothing to worry about. But if you go to hell, you'll be so damn busy shaking hands with friends you won't have time to worry.
Accent About a year ago my sister, who lives in Virginia, was talking with her four year old son, Brent. He was asking her why all their relatives from Wisconsin talk funny and sound like their noses are plugged up. "They think we have an accent," she replied. "But they have an accent, right?", Brent asked. "They talk funny?" "Everybody talks in different ways" she tried to explain. "To them, we sound like we talk very slow and all our words are d-r-a-w-n out." His eyes got big, and he whispered seriously, "Oh, no. You mean they hear funny too?"
Summer Blowout!
In My Dream A man went into his shrink's office and says, "Doc, you have got to help me! Every night I keep dreaming that I'm a sports car. The other night I dreamed I was a Trans Am. Another night I dreamed I was an Alpha Romero. Last night I dreamed I was a Porche. What does this mean?" "Relax," says the doctor, "You're just having an auto-body experience. |
Hi! Welcome to another issue of Keep Smiling.
This week I have assembled a list of contests that you should
enter today. 
