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Issue #165
I'm A Good Mommy On a flight to New York, I took along my 18-month-old son, Jonathon. As a business traveler, I understood the grimacing faces I saw as we boarded the 7 a.m. flight. I vowed that my son wouldn't create a disturbance. I read to him, played games and constantly kept him occupied. When the flight was almost over and I had just congratulated myself that Jonathan hadn't cried once, one businessman turned to me and said, "Your son has been great, but YOU are driving me out of my mind." ~~Reader's Digest
You Got Me This Time! A customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the wall: $500 If we fail to fill your order! When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant steak on rye. She calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen where pandemonium breaks loose! The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen. He runs up to the customer's table, slaps five $100 bills down on it and says, "You got me this time buddy, but I want you to know that's the first time in ten years we've been out of rye bread!"
Good Driver Award A California policeman pulled a car over and told the driver that because he had been wearing his seatbelt, he had just won $5,000 dollars in the statewide safety competition. What are you going to do with the money asked the policeman. "Well, I guess I'm going to get a driver's license," he answered. "Oh, don't listen to him," yelled the woman in the passenger seat. "He's a real jerk when he's drunk." This woke up the guy in the back-seat, who took one look at the cop and moaned, "I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car." At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice said, in Spanish, "Are we over the border yet?"
Bad Luck I've got a cousin who has always had bad luck. Once he found a magic lamp, rubbed it, and a genie appeared and gave him the Midas touch. For the rest of his life, everything he touched turned into a muffler.
Computer Tips Tricks and Shortcuts
Where Am I? Nate was driving to work when a truck ran a stop sign, hit his car broadside, and knocked him cold. Passersby pulled him from the wreck and revived him. Nate began a terrific struggle and had to be tranquilized by the medics. Later, when he was calm, they asked him why he struggled so. Nate said, "I remember the impact, then nothing. I woke up on a concrete slab in front of a huge, flashing 'Shell' sign. And somebody was standing in front of the 'S.'"
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"I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday'." - Steven Wright
THIRSTY MAN A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back." The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman. The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?" The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."
Down on the Farm An American is touring Australia. He's in the outback. He sees a farmer. "Say" says the Yank, "is this your farm?". "Yeah mate" says the Aussie. "How far does it go?" asks the Yank. "Well" says the Aussie, "you see that hill over there?" pointing to the West. "Yeah" says the Yank. "You see the hill that way?" asks the Aussie pointing to the East. "Yeah" says the Yank. "You see that dam" says the Aussie pointing to the North, "and where the road disappears over the Hill?" pointing to the South. "Yeah" says the Yank. "Well that's my farm" says the Aussie. The Yank broke out laughing for about ten minutes. Finally he's able to speak again. "Why back in the States, I could get in my auto at 7 in the morning on my ranch, drive til 7 at night and still be on my ranch". "Yeah" says the Aussie, "I had a car like that once".
What A Sacrifice As a senior at St. Cloud State University in Minnesota, I often engage women psychology majors in heated discussions about male-female relationships. Once, my friend Shelly and I got into a hot debate about whether men or women make the larger sacrifice of their respective gender characteristics when they get married. To my surprise, Shelly agreed with me that men give up far more than women. "You're right, Steve," she said. "Men generally give up doing their cleaning, their cooking, their grocery shopping, their laundry."
Cooking
Guide for Beginner Cooks
Stick-up Late one night in Washington, a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. "Give me your money!" he demanded. Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this. I'm a United States Congressman!" "In that case," replied the robber, "give me my money!"
Customer: Give me a pound of those grapes. My husband really likes them. Do you know if they've been sprayed with any kind of poison? Grocery Clerk: No, ma'am. You'll have to get that at the drug store. |
Hi! Welcome to another issue of Keep Smiling. 
