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Issue #164 What was the best thing before sliced bread?
What Time Is It? Every morning for years, at about 11:30, the telephone operator in a small Sierra-Nevada town received a call from a man asking the exact time. One day the operator summed up nerve enough to ask him why the regularity. "I'm foreman of the local sawmill," he explained. "Every day I have to blow the whistle at noon so I call you to get the exact time." The operator giggled, "That's really funny," she said. "All this time we've been setting our clock by your whistle.
Beer Testing Yesterday scientists for Health Canada suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the theory, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned.
How to take a picture of your new puppy.
Excuses for Not Going to Work This Monday
On Patrol A squad car driver was covering a quiet beat out in the sticks when he was amazed to find a former lieutenant on the police force covering the beat. He stopped the car and asked, "Why, Mike, this wouldn't be your new beat out here in the sticks, would it?" "That it is," Mike replied grimly, "ever since I arrested Judge Ito on his way to the masquerade ball." "You mean you pinched his honor?" asked Pat. "How was I to know that his convict suit was only a costume." demanded Mike. "Well," mused Pat, ""tis life and there's a lesson in this somewhere." "That there is," replied Mike. "'TIS WISE NEVER TO BOOK A JUDGE BY HIS COVER."
A Trip to the Farm The Tuesday Morning Garden Club, an organization of wealthy city women, met and decided that next month's outing was to be at a dairy farm. Most of them had lived in the city all their lives, and had never really been to a working farm. The day came, and after they arrived, they were greeted by Farmer Sours who invited them to look him up should they have any questions. Elloise, after looking about, and being amazed by what she saw, stepped into a building and viewed something she thought was quite remarkable. She saw the farmer walk by with a pail of fresh milk and hailed him... "Mr. Sours," she inquired, "Why doesn't this cow have any horns?" The farmer cocked his head for a moment, then began in a patient tone: "Well, ma'am, fact is, cattle can do a powerful lot of damage with horns. Sometimes we keep'em trimmed down with a hacksaw. Other times we can fix up the young 'uns by puttin' a couple drops of acid where their horns would grow in, and that stops 'em cold. Still, there are some breeds of cattle that never grow horns. But the reason this cow don't have no horns, ma'am, is 'cause this here's a horse."
Sleeping In the Barn A lawyer and two friends, a Rabbi and a Hindu holy man, had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer. The farmer said "There might be a problem; you see, I only have room for two to sleep, so one of you must sleep in the barn." "No problem," chimed the Rabbi, "My people wandered in the desert for forty years, I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for an evening." With that he departed to the barn and the others bedded down for the night. Moments later a knock was heard at the door; the farmer opened the door. There stood the Rabbi from the barn. "What's wrong?" asked the farmer. He replied, "I am grateful to you , but I can't sleep in the barn. There is a pig in the barn and my faith believes that is an unclean animal." His Hindu friend agrees to swap places with him. But a few minutes late the same scene reoccurs. There is a knock on the door. "What's wrong, now?" the farmer asks. The Hindu holy man replies, "I too am grateful for your helping us out but there is a cow in the barn and in my country cows are considered sacred. I can't sleep on holy ground!" Well, that leaves only the lawyer to make the change. He grumbled and complained, but went out to the barn. Moments later there was another knock on the farmers door. Frustrated and tired, the farmer opens the door, and there stood.... the pig and the cow.
Can't Last Too Long "This war will be over in two months." said Mr. Smith confidently to his neighbor, as they rode downtown on the subway together one morning. "How do you figure that ?" asked his neighbor. "Well, sir," said Mr. Smith, "my Johnny enlisted in the Navy yesterday and he has never held a job for over two months in his life."
Unwed Mother! A lovely young Jewish girl was employed by a clothing firm in New York. She and her mother shared the same ambition: marriage to a wealthy man. One day she returned from work, eyes red from crying. As soon as she entered the apartment she called: "Mama, I'm pregnant. Don't get excited. The father is my boss!" She began to sob uncontrollably while her mother tried to console her. The next morning, the mother charged into the office of the boss. She shouted, "What's going to be?" The elegantly attired man, handsome and unmarried and in his mid thirties, held up his hand, "Please take a seat Mrs. Horowitz. I'm making all the arrangements. Your daughter will have the best doctor money can buy before the baby is born, she'll be in the best hospital and afterward, I am arranging for a trust fund for her where she will receive a check for $2500.00 per week!" The mother was taken aback and thought for a moment. "Tell me," she said, "God forbid,. She should have a miscarriage, will you give her another chance?"
Hunting! Two men went hunting, and one accidentally shot the other. The shooter rushed his friend to the hospital and watched while they wheeled him into the O.R. Ten minutes later the doctor came out, peeling off his gloves and shaking his head. The shooter worriedly asked "Did he make it Doctor?" The doctor said his friend was dead. "Anything I could have done?" asked the shooter. "Well", replied the doctor, "If that ever happens to you again, for goodness sake, don't gut him!"
The Boy Scout One day we got lost hiking in the deep woods. Steve tried the usual tactics to determine direction - moss on the trees (there was no moss), direction of the sun (it was an overcast day). Just as I was beginning to panic, he spotted a small cabin off in the distance. Steve pulled out his binoculars, studied the cabin, turned and led us right back to our campsite. "That was terrific," I said. "How did you do it?" "Simple," my favorite boy scout replied. "In this part of the country all TV satellite dishes point south."
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Hospital Charges An expectant mother was being rushed to the hospital, but didn't quite make it. She gave birth to her baby on the hospital lawn. Later, the father received a bill, listing "Delivery Room Fee: $500." He wrote the hospital and reminded them the baby was born on the front lawn. A week passed, and a corrected bill arrived: "Greens Fee: $200."
What do you get when you cross a swimmer with a penguin? Someone in a very formal bathing suit. |
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