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Issue #163
Check out Keep Smiling Sweepstakes there are a lot of new contests that have been recently added Anyway now that you are here Remember to have a safe 4th of July holiday for yourself and everyone around you and enjoy the Fireworks!
A Great Savings A window salesman phoned a customer. "Hello, Mr. Brown," said the Sales Rep, "I'm calling because our company replaced all the windows in your house with our triple-glazed weather-tight windows over a year ago, and you still haven't sent us a single payment." The customer replied, "But you said they'd pay for THEMSELVES in 12 months
Let Me Tell You Bout The Birds And The Bees
Before It Starts A man comes home from work, sits in his lazyboy, in front of the TV and rudely tells his wife, "Gimme a beer before it starts". She gives him his beer. About 15 minutes later, he says again, "Gimme a beer before it starts". She does. A few minutes later, he asks again for a beer, the wife goes, "Don't you think you're exaggerating? It hasn't been half an hour that you got here and you already had two beers. I'm getting fed up with this." The husband looks up and mumbles, "Now it starts...."
Three Pigs
Your Family? A young couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the husband sarcastically asked, "Are they relatives of yours?" "Yes," his wife replied. "I married into the family."
The New Horse A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says, "All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, "ALLLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine". The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the centre of the jump. They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers "Aleeee ooop" in the horse's ear. The same thing happens -- the horse crashes straight through the centre of the jump. At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, "It's no good, I'll have to do it" and yells, "ALLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third. The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, "Nothing is wrong with me -- it's this bloody horse. What is he -- deaf or something?"
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A man was sitting on his porch, when this fella walked up with a pad and pencil in his hand. "What can I do for you?" He politely asked. "You selling something?" "No, sir, I'm not. I'm a Census Taker." "A what?" "A Census Taker. We're trying to find out how many people are in the United States." "You're wasting your time here. I have no idea."
The Priest Knows A man goes to the confessional. "Forgive me father, for I have sinned." "What is your sin, my son?" "Well, I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible." "When did you use this awful language?" "Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards." "Is that when you swore?" "No, Father," "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away." "Is THAT when you swore?" "Well, no. You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!" "Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed Priest. "No, not yet." As the eagle carried the squirrel away in his claws, it flew over a bit of forest near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball." " Did you swear THEN?" asked the impatient Priest. "No, because as the ball fell, it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes, careened off a big rock, and rolled through a sand trap onto the green and stopped within six inches of the hole." Silence filled the confessional until the Priest sighed and said, "You missed the putt, didn't you?"
"Dad," asks Little Johnny, "can you write your name in the dark?" "I think so." "Great," Johnny goes on, "then would you please turn off the lights and sign my report card?"
Four Envelopes! The new manager walks into his office and, while settling into his new desk, finds 4 envelopes. On one he finds the words "open me first," and the other three are numbered 1 to 3. He opens the first envelope and finds a letter from his predecessor saying: "These three envelopes will save you a world of trouble. In case of emergency, please open these envelopes in sequential order; envelope one first, envelope two second, and envelope three third." The manager shrugs, puts the envelopes back, and forgets about them. Six months later, the workers go on strike. The company closes, and is losing money fast. After a long night negotiating with the union, he remembers the 3 envelopes. So he opens the first one and it says: "Blame me, your predecessor for every thing". Wonderful idea he thinks, and indeed it works and the crisis comes to its end. His job is saved, and everybody's happy. A few month later, another strike hits. He goes to the drawer and opens the second envelope. It reads, "Blame the government for everything". It works like a charm, and he breathes a sigh of relief as his job is, once again, saved. A month later the workers declare another strike. The manager goes directly to the third envelope and it reads, "Prepare 4 new envelopes"
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Two cannibals are eating a clown. One turns to the other, and asks,
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Hi! I want to apologize if this issue is a little
late. I told my wife I was going skeet shooting with some
friends. She has spent hours on the web trying to find a recipe.
