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"I do my exercises every morning. Immediately after waking I sternly say to myself, 'Ready, now. Up. Down. Up. Down.' And after two strenuous minutes I tell myself, 'Okay, now try the other eyelid.'"
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A minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. "Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances." During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up." At that moment, the substitute organist played, "The Star Spangled Banner."
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SIGNS YOU DON'T HAVE A GOOD SECRETARY She doesn't get the hang of Post-it Notes. Your customers come around only during her lunch period; they peek around the door asking, "Is the coast clear?" Whe she gets low on typing paper she asks you what to do; you tell her to use copy paper. She then takes a blank piece of typing paper, puts it into the copy machine and makes 10 copies. The Ringling Brothers Clown College announces that she has won a prize for her original make-up. She staples her thumbs together more frequently than once a week. Types 60 words per minute..... but not in English.
My mother always used to tell me,
At the Pet Shop A lady is looking to purchase a pet for companionship, and so goes to the local pet shop to purchase a cat or such. However, when she arrives, she is intrigued by the beautiful young parrot on a perch by the counter. "Will this parrot talk?" she asks the owner. "Oh yes, this parrot comes from a long line of excellent talkers. In two weeks he will be mimicing your speech like he's having a conversation with you." The lady excitedly purchases the bird in a large cage (for a handsome fee) and takes it home. Two weeks later, she comes into the store. "This bird you sold me hasn't said a word!" The owner looks puzzled. "I can't understand it, that is our best talker. He should talk when he swings. " "What? You didn't sell me a swing!" The owner happily sells her a swing for the bird's cage. But, two weeks later, she returns with the same complaint. "I really can't understand it, he should talk after exercising on the ladder," the owner says. Frustrated that he didn't tell her this before, she buys the ladder. Two weeks later, ...you know. The owner says, "something is wrong, because when he climbs on the stairs, and gets on his swing, and looks into the mirror, he definitely should be talking!" She buys the stinkin' mirror, and in 2 more weeks... In she walks with the cage, containing the swing, ladder, mirror... and one dead parrot with it's legs up in the air. "Here's your mute bird and all the junk you sold me - all I want is my money back!" The owner was dumbfounded. "Lady, this is the first parrot that has ever come back - didn't the parrot say any words at all??" "Well, now that you mention it, he did, say one thing," she said. "He said, 'Doesn't, that, shop, sell... Bird food?!?'"
At The Pharmacy While waiting for a prescription to be filled, I heard an explosion from behind the divider, followed by an outpouring of dense black smoke. The Pharmacist emerged several minutes later, his white uniform scorched black. He glared at the woman waiting next to me and said, "Would you ask your doctor to write your prescription again, and this time -- PRINT IT !"
More Money "I have to have a raise," the man said to his boss. "There are three other companies after me." "Is that so?" asked the manager. "What other companies are after you?" "The electric company, the telephone company, and the gas company."
Two blondes are waiting at a bus stop, when a bus pulls up and opens the door. One of the blondes leans inside and asks the driver, "Will this bus take me to 5th Avenue?" The bus driver shakes his head and says, "No, I'm Sorry." At this the other blonde leans inside, smiles and twitters, "Will it take ME?"
PAGOO
Ask It Joe and Frank were in the office, and noticed that someone had put up a suggestion box with some 3x5 cards next to it. Both decided that this was a great idea, and each took a card to fill out. Joe wrote, "The office workers should all be given raises!" When he looked at Frank's card, it said "Can we all have raises, and keys to the executive washroom, and personal secretaries, and new company cars, and new coffee cups, and longer lunch breaks, and an extra three weeks vacation each year, and a holiday on St. Patrick's Day, and Columbus Day and Martin Luther Kings Birthday?" Joe said, "Frank, that isn't the right way of getting things changed around here . . . . You shouldn't put all of your begs in one ask-it."
Always Late A drummer on a big band was having trouble with his time. He kept getting behind the beat and the band is getting fed up and goes to the leader and says he should be fired. However, the leader says he's known the guy forever, he's always been a good drummer, and he'll talk to the guy and see what the problem is. He goes to the drummer, who admits he's having problems and who says he's working on it and to please not fire him. But things get worse. He keeps slowing down the beat and coming in late and finally the whole band threatens to quit. The leader has to fire him. The drummer is so depressed that he goes down to the railroad tracks and throws himself behind a train.
If
I Had My Life To Live Over
A Koala bear walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich and the bartender brings him a sandwich The Koala eats the sandwich and gets up, spins around, pulls a pistol out of his pouch, shoots the piano player, an proceeds to walk out of the bar. The bartender, in shock, shouts to the Koala, "hey who do you think you are, you ate my sandwich and shot my piano player, and just where do you think your going! The Koala replies, "Hey I'm a Koala. Look it up." The frustrated bartender pulls out a dictionary from behind the bar and looks up Koala: "n. a marsupial that eats shoots and leaves."
Learning English These two Jewish men are sitting in a wonderful deli frequented almost exclusively by Jews in the Jewish section of town. They are talking amongst themselves in Yiddish. A Chinese waiter comes up and in fluent impeccable Yiddish asks them if everything is okay, can he get them anything, and so forth. The Jewish men are dumbfounded. "Where did he learn such perfect Yiddish?" they both think. After they pay the bill they ask the manager of the store, an old friend also fluent in Yiddish .. "Where did our waiter learn such fabulous Yiddish?" The owner looks around and leans in so no one else will hear and says... "Shhhh. He thinks we're teaching him English."
Did you know that dolphins are so intelligent that within only a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand at the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
Drinking The patient was lying in bed, still groggy from the effects of the recent operation. His doctor came in, looking very glum. "I can't be sure what's wrong with you," the doctor said. "I think it's the drinking." "Okay," the patient said. "Can we get an opinion from a doctor who's sober?"
The Dress "Do you like my dress?" she asked of a passing stranger. "My mommy made it just for me." She said with a tear in her eye. "Well, I think it's very pretty, so tell me little one, why are you crying?" With a quiver in her voice the little girl answered. "After Mommy made me this dress, she had to go away." "Well, now," said the lady, "with a little girl like you waiting for her, I'm sure she'll be right back." "No ma'am, you don't understand," said the child through her tears, "my Daddy said that she's up in heaven now with Grandfather." Finally the woman realized what the child meant, and why she was crying. Kneeling down she gently cradled the child in her arms and together they cried for the mommy that was gone. Then suddenly the little girl did something that the woman thought was a bit strange. She stopped crying, stepped back from the woman and began to sing. She sang so softly that it was almost a whisper. It was the sweetest sound the woman had ever heard, almost like the song of a very small bird. After the child stopped singing she explained to the lady, "My mommy used to sing that song to me before she went away, and she made me promise to sing it whenever I started crying and it would make me stop." "See," she exclaimed, "it did, and now my eyes are dry!" As the woman turned to go, the little girl grabbed her sleeve, "Lady, can you stay just a minute? I want to show you something." "Of course," she answered, "what do you want me to see?" Pointing to a spot on her dress, she said, "Right here is where my Mommy kissed my dress, and here," pointing to another spot, "and here is another kiss, and here, and here," "Mommy said that she put all those kisses on my dress so that I would have her kisses for every boo-boo that made me cry." Then the lady realized that she wasn't just looking at a dress, no, she was looking at a Mother... Who knew that she was going away and would not be there to kiss away the hurts that she knew her daughter would get. So she took all the love she had for her beautiful little girl and put them into this dress, that her child now so proudly wore. She no longer saw a little girl in a simple dress. She saw a child wrapped... in her Mother's love.
Lamaze Class The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan. The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!" The room really got quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand. "Yes?" replied the teacher... ... "Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
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Better Seat A man takes his place in the theater, but his seat is too far from the stage. He whispers to the usher, "This is a mystery, and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I'll give you a handsome tip." The usher moves him into the second row, and the man hands the usher a quarter. Yep. 25 cents. The usher looks at the quarter in his hand, leans over and whispers, "The wife did it."
Doctor's Orders Doctor: I see you're over a month late for your appointment. Don't you know that nervous disorders require prompt and regular attention? What's your excuse? Patient: I was just following your orders, Doc. Doctor: Following my orders? What are you talking about? I gave you no such order. Patient: You told me to avoid people who irritate me.
Got My Promotion! Well I met with my department head yesterday morning. I got there bright and early. In fact, I was only 15 minutes late to work! "Joe, the position I have in mind for you was vacated by Peterson", the boss started explaining. "He had a master's degree, granted it was in English, but it was a master's degree none the less. In fact, everyone in that section has at least a master's degree." "Wow!" I thought, this is one smart section. "Your job," he continued explaining, "will be to allocate prepackaged energy units, via direct interface with internal customers." "Oh boy!" I exclaimed. Visions of power filled my head. I was finally going to be in charge of something besides the coffee maker. I get to allocate via direct interface! "You'll be working with some dangerous equipment, so that means no day dreaming!" He advised. "You'll need to wear some special clothing as well". "I'll be allocating via direct interface?" I asked, just to make sure I hadn't misunderstood. "That's right," he answered. "Mostly by saying would you like fries with that!?"
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