 |
|
|
|
|
Fantastic website . Please take about 10 minutes to watch this movie!
Practicing A wife is sitting in the living room watching TV, when all of a sudden she hears her husband in the bedroom, swearing up a storm. He is using every bad word in the book. The wife runs into the bedroom to see what is going on. She finds her husband just sitting on the bed. She asks her husband, "Honey, what happened? Did you fall down and get hurt or something?" The husband looks up and replies, "No, I'm fine. I'm just practicing." The wife gets a real confused look on her face, and said, "Practicing? Practicing for what?" Then the husband says, "Golf season starts tomorrow!"
Official Site For Garfield And Friends
The Rookie A rookie police officer was assigned to ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came over the car's radio telling them to disperse some people who were loitering. The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner. The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Let's get off the corner." No one moved, so he barked again, "Let's get off the corner!" Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled glances in his direction. Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, "Well, how did I do?" Pretty good, " replied the veteran, "considering that this is a bus stop."
An elderly lady was well known for her faith and for her boldness in talking about it. She would stand on her front porch and shout PRAISE THE LORD! Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations he would shout, "There ain't no Lord!!" Hard times set in on the elderly lady and she prayed for GOD to send her some assistance.. She stood on her porch and Shouted, "PRAISE THE LORD.. GOD I NEED FOOD!! I AM HAVING A HARD TIME. PLEASE LORD SEND ME SOME GROCERIES!!" The next morning the lady went out on her porch and noted a large bag of groceries and shouted, "Praise the Lord." The neighbor jumped from behind a bush and said, "Ha..Ha. I Told you there was no Lord. I bought those groceries. God didn't." The lady started jumping up and down and clapping her hands and Saying, "Praise the Lord, He not only sent me groceries but HE made The devil pay for them. Praise the Lord!"
Two Auburn hunters were dragging their dead deer back to their car. An Alabama hunter approached pulling his along too. "Hey, I don't want to tell you what to do, but I can tell you that it's much easier if you drag the deer in the other direction. Then the antlers won't dig into the ground." After the third hunter left, the two decided to try it. A little while later one hunter said to the other, "You know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!" "Yeah," the other added, "but we're getting farther away from the truck!"
Three contractors were touring the white house on the same day. One was from New York, another from Missouri, and the third from Florida. At the end of the tour, the guard asked them what they did for a living. When they each replied that they were contractors the guard said "Hey, we need one of the rear fences redone. Why don't you guys look at it and give me a bid." So to the back fence they went. First up was the Florida contractor. He took out his tape measure and pencil, did some measuring and said, "Well I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me." Next was the Missouri contractor. He also took out his tape measure and pencil, did some quick figuring and said, "Looks like I can do this Job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me." Then the guard asks the New York contractor how much. Without so much as moving the contractor says, $2700." The guard, incredulous, looks at him and says "You didn't even measure like the guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?" "Easy" says the contractor from New York, "$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you and we hire the guy from Missouri."
Make people smile!!
The $64,000 Question Bob had finally made it to the last round of the $64,000 Question. The night before the big question, he told the Emcee that he desired a question on American History. The big night had arrived. Bob made his way on stage in front of the studio and TV audience. He had become the talk of the week. He was the best guest this show had ever seen. The Emcee stepped up to the mic. "Bob, you have chosen American History as your final question. You know that if you correctly answer this question, you will walk away $64,000 dollars richer. Are you ready?" Bob nodded with a cocky confidence - the crowd went nuts. He hadn't missed a question all week. "Bob, your question on American History is a two-part question. As you know, you may answer either part first. As a rule, the second half of the question is always easier. Which part would you like to take a stab at first?" Bob was now becoming more noticeably nervous. He couldn't believe it, but he was drawing a blank. American History was his easiest subject, but he played it safe. "I'll try the second part first." The Emcee nodded approvingly. "Here we go Bob. I will ask you the second half first, then the first half." The audience silenced with gross anticipation... "Bob, here is your question: And in what year did it happen??"
A man walked into a bar and ordered a glass of white wine. He took a sip of the wine, then tossed the remainder into the bartender's face. Before the bartender could recover from the surprise, the man began weeping. "I'm sorry," he said. "I'm really sorry. I keep doing that to bartenders. I can't tell you how embarrassing it is, to have a compulsion like this." Far from being angry, the bartender was sympathetic. Before long, he was suggesting that the man see an analyst about his problem. "I happen to have the name of a Psychoanalyst," the bartender said. "My Brother and my Wife have both been treated by him, and they say he's as good as they get." The man wrote down the name of the Doctor, thanked the bartender, and left. The bartender smiled, knowing he'd done a good deed for a fellow human being. Six months later, the man was back. "Did you do what I suggested?" the bartender asked, serving the glass of white wine. "I certainly did," the man said. "I've been seeing the Psychoanalyst twice a week." He took a sip of the wine. Then he threw the remainder into the bartender's face. The flustered bartender wiped his face with a towel. "The Doctor doesn't seem to be doing you any good." He sputtered. "On the contrary," the man claimed, "he's done me world of good." "But you threw the wine in my face again!" The bartender exclaimed. "Yes." The man replied. "But it doesn't embarrass me anymore."
KEEP SMILING
Smiling is infectious,
I passed around the corner
I thought about that smile
So, if you feel a smile begin,
On Second Thought An angel appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean that in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, the Lord will reward him with his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom, or beauty. Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom. "Done!" says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning. Now, all heads turn toward the dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light. One of his colleagues whispers, "Say something." The dean sighs and says, "I should have taken the money."
YOU NEED A NEW CAR WHEN ...
Too expensive A very tight man was looking for a gift for a friend. Everything was too expensive, except for a broken glass vase which he could purchase for almost nothing. He asked the store to send it, hoping his friend would think it has been broken in transit. In due time, the man received an acknowledgement from his friend. "Thanks for the vase," it read. "It was so thoughtful of you to wrap each piece separately."
Evite
Snoring A woman was having a medical problem - her husband snoring. So she called the doctor one morning, and asked him if there was anything he could do to relieve her "suffering." "Well, there is one operation I can perform that will cure your husband, but it is really rather expensive. It will cost $1,000 down, and payments of $450 for 24 months, plus payments for extras." "My goodness!" the woman exclaimed, "sounds like leasing a new sports car!" "Humm," the doctor murmured, "That obvious, huh?"
Adopting a Russian Baby Morris and Becky were delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end. The adoption center called and told them they had a wonderful Russian baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation... On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses. After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, "What ever possessed you to study Russian?" The couple said proudly, "We just adopted a Russian baby and in a year or so he'll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him."
LEARN TO EARN $100,000 OR MORE A
YEAR...FROM
Little Johnny After his Little League baseball game, Little Johnny rode his bicycle home and then walked in through the front door or the house. His father was unable to attend the game, so he was rather excited to find out how his boy did. "Well, son, how did you do?" he asked. "You'll never believe it, Dad!" said a proud Little Johnny. "I was responsible for the winning run!" "Really? How'd you do that?" "I dropped the ball."
Fact As of 1988, the U.S. census bureau determined that a stunning 13% of the population believe that some portion of the earth's moon is actually comprised of cheese.
Click here to recommed Keep Smiling.com to your
friends
Click here to tell your friends about Keep Smiling Issue #159
click here Join the Keep Smiling then click send
|
Tell them about this FREE joke mailinglist. 
