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 Hello everyone. Welcome to all the new
members that have recently joined. And a special welcome to those that joined
from the " Funnybone" ezine.
Because of the large number of people signing up I put a few links to other areas of the Keep Smiling Website. Also we now have a new sponsor that has provided us with some new free stuff and Sweepstakes. Please play these sweepstakes and check the Special Offers page. Remember that you can invite your friends to join Keep Smiling also or you can send them the links to the Keep Smiling pages or website. KEEP SMILING is good clean fun for everyone!
Science Class: What Kids Say * - You can listen to thunder and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it, you got hit, so never mind. * - There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the center of the Earth because so many people are stomping around there these days. * - Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't, why you should. * - Rain is saved up in cloud banks. * - Blood circulates through the body by flowing down one leg and up the other. * - One of the main causes of dust is DIRT. * - In some rocks you can find the fossil footprints of fishes. * - Thunder is a rich source of loudness. * - The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard, and vinegar. * - Momentum is something you give a person when they go away. * - A city purifies its water supply by filtering the water and then forcing it through an aviator.
Flying Lessons A baby pigeon and his mother were going to fly south for the winter. Trying all types of logic, the mother pigeon was having a difficult time convincing her new baby that he too could fly. The baby pigeon cried, "I can't make it ... I get too tired." His mother said, "Don't worry; I'll tie a piece of string to one of your legs and the other end to mine." The baby started to cry. "What's wrong?" said the mother. The baby said, "I don't want to be pigeon towed!
For the House
The husband was not home at his usual hour, and the wife was fuming, as the clock ticked later and later. Finally, about 3:00 AM she heard a noise at the front door, and as she stood at the top of the stairs, there was her husband, drunk as a skunk, trying to navigate the stairs. 'Do you realize what time it is," she said. He answered, "Don't get excited, I'm late because I bought something for the house." Immediately her attitude changed, and as she ran down the stairs to meet him halfway, she said, "What did you buy for the house, dear?" His answer was, "A round of drinks!"
Border Patrol A Mexican tried to get into the United States. He was stopped at the border and questioned as to why he wanted in this country and how long he would stay. He told them that he wanted to live there and become a citizen. The officer said, "Okay, if you use yellow, pink, and green in a sentence, I will let you in." The Mexican thought and thought. And he finally said, "The telephano goes green, green, green. So I pink it up and say 'yellow'!"
That's the Brakes One day a mechanic was working late under a car and some brake fluid dripped into his mouth. "Wow! That stuff isn't too bad tasting" he thought. Next day he told his buddy about tasting the brake fluid. "Not bad," he said. "Think I'll have a little more today." His friend got a little concerned but didn't say anything. Next day he told about drinking a cup full of the brake fluid. "Great stuff! Think I'll have some more today." And so he did. A few days later he was up to a bottle a day, and told his friend "This brake fluid is really great stuff." His friend was now really worried. "You know that brake fluid is poison and really bad for you. You better stop drinking that stuff." "Hey, no problem," he said, "I can stop any time."
(There was a link in this spot but it was removed)
Bigger in Texas
A young man who left his home in Texas at an early age, finally purchased his own ranch in Oklahoma. He invited his father out for a visit, and took him on a tour of the property. Driving along in the son's pickup truck, a jack rabbit hopped onto the road in front of them. The son stopped the truck to let the rabbit pass, and the father queried: "What in tarnation is that!?" The son incredulously replied, "That's a jackrabbit, Dad, what did you think it was?" The father shrugged and said, "We grow 'em a lot bigger'n back home in Texas." So they went on and a little farther on they came to a few buffalo roaming the range. The son stopped the truck and the father again said in a puzzled tone "What are those?" The son hesitantly said "Those are buffalo, Dad; you gotta be kiddin me, you really don't recognize them?" The father replied "Well, I guess they're kinda familiar -- it's just that we grow 'em so much bigger back in Texas." The son, a bit disgruntled, drove on in silence. At length they approached a low part in the road with marshy wetlands on either side. A large snapping turtle lumbered onto the road. The father peered intently at the creature and said "Now what the heck is that thing!?" Without missing a beat, the son replied, "wood tick"...
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Truck Driver A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads "Low bridge ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.
The Good Old Days While enjoying an early morning breakfast in a northern Arizona cafe, four elderly ranchers were discussing everything from cattle, horses, and weather, to how things used to be in the "good old days." Eventually the conversation moved on to their spouses. One gentleman turned to the fellow on his right and asked,"Roy, aren't you and your bride celebrating your fiftieth wedding anniversary soon?" "Yup, we sure are," Roy replied. "Well, are you gonna do anything special to celebrate?" another man asked. The old gentleman pondered this for a moment,then replied, For our twenty-fifth anniversary,I took Bea to Tucson. Maybe for our fiftieth, I'll go down there and get her."
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The Shrink A fellow went to a psychiatrist and told him he felt people were trying to take advantage of him. "Don't worry about that," the psychiatrist told him, "Everybody feels like people are trying to take advantage of them now and then. You're completely normal." "Gee, thanks, Doc," the fellow said. "I feel better already." "Good," the psychiatrist answered. "That'll be two hundred dollars, and I need to borrow your car tonight."
Newly Wed A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. Her mother asked, "How was the honeymoon?" "Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..." Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language...things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home.... Please mama!" "Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?" "Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed they're just too awful! Come get me, please!" "Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset.... Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!" Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, mama...words like DUST, WASH, IRON, COOK...!"
Math Lesson There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.
"Polar Bear" One afternoon in the Arctic, a father polar bear and his son polar bear were sitting in the snow. The son polar bear turned to his father and asked,"Dad, am I 100% polar bear?" The father polar bear replied, "Of course, son, you're 100% polar bear." A few minutes pass, and the son polar bear turns to his father again and says, "Dad, tell me the truth. I can take it. Am I 100% polar bear? No brown bear or panda bear or grizzly bear?" The father polar bear replies, "Son, I'm 100% polar bear, your mother is 100% polar bear, so you are definitely 100% polar bear." A few more minutes pass, and the son polar bear AGAIN turns to his father and says, "Dad, don't think your sparing my feelings if it's not true. I gotta know -- am I 100% polar bear?" The father polar bear was distressed by this continued questioning and asked his son, "Why do you keep asking if you're 100% polar bear?" "Because I'm freezing!"
How does an attorney sleep?
How many lawyer jokes are there?
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
What are lawyers good for?
What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer?
What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?
What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?
What's the difference between a lawyer and a liar?
What's the difference between a lawyer and an onion?
What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
Why did God create snakes just before lawyers?
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