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Issue #155 I once saw a pin on a Delta Airlines employee and I asked him what the letters in "Delta" stand for. He said, "Don't Expect Luggage To Arrive." |
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Issue #155 I once saw a pin on a Delta Airlines employee and I asked him what the letters in "Delta" stand for. He said, "Don't Expect Luggage To Arrive." |
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 Hello Everyone,
In this weeks Issue of Keep Smiling you will find a lot of jokes and stories along to some links to some interesting websites, Also there are lot of links to some pretty neat FREE stuff that is available to you, Please take advantage of these links. On the bottom of this page you will find the button to "Share this page with a friend" You will also find this button on each of the Keep Smiling pages that you will visit. Please use this is button on each page that you visit!
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"Software Engineering" A software engineer, hardware engineer and departmental manager were on their way to a meeting in Switzerland. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes failed. The car careened out of control, bouncing off guard rails until it finally ground to a halt along the mountainside. The occupants of the car were unhurt, but they had a problem. They were stuck halfway down the mountain in a car with no brakes. "I know" said the manager. "Let's have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and through a process of Continuous Improvement, find a solution to the Critical Problems, and we'll be on our way." "No," said the hardware engineer. "I've got my Swiss army knife with me. I can strip down the car's braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we'll be on our way." "Wait," said the software engineer. "Before we do anything, shouldn't we push the car back to the top of the mountain, and see if it happens again?"
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"Do you mean to tell me your whole family was shocked and surprised when your ninety-five-year-old uncle died?" "That's right." "But if he was ninety-five-years-old, why was everybody surprised." "Because his parachute didn't open."
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Ice Cream The young man entered the Ice Cream Palace and asked, "What kinds of ice cream do you have?" "Vanilla, chocolate, strawberry," the girl wheezed as she spoke, patted her chest and seemed unable to continue. "Do you have laryngitis?" the young man asked sympathetically. "Nope," she whispered, "just vanilla, chocolate and strawberry."
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A Smart Criminal A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars.
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Golf This Fellow's wife constantly berated him, to teach her to play golf. Finally, one morning he relented. Off they go. First hole: Par 3, 179 yards, very pretty. Husband steps up first and says, "Now watch me, and do the same thing." A nice shot, lands on the green with about 30 feet to the cup. Wife steps up, drills it, hooks it, and bounces it off a rock, clips a tree, sideswipes the second rock and rolls up onto the green and sinks it. Husband watches and then looks at her and says, "OK, now you know how to play, let's go home."
Job Descriptions An accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing. An auditor is someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded. A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. (Mark Twain) An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today. A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant. An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane. (Laurence J. Peter) A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand. A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn't there. (Charles R. Darwin) A topologist is a man who doesn't know the difference between a coffee cup and a doughnut. A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a "brief." (Franz Kafka) A psychologist is a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room. A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep. A schoolteacher is a disillusioned woman who used to think she liked children. A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
The Lawyer's Office Ms. Quisenberry, receptionist at a noted law firm, answered the phone the morning after the firm's senior partner had passed away, quite unexpectedly. "Is Mr. Smith there?" asked the client on the phone. "I'm very sorry, but Mr. Smith passed away last night," Ms. Q replied. "Is Mr. Smith there?" repeated the client. The receptionist was perplexed. "Perhaps you didn't understand me. I'm afraid Mr. Smith passed away last night." "Yes. Is Mr. Smith there?" asked the client, yet again. "Really, sir! Do you understand what I'm saying?" queried the exasperated receptionist. "Mr. Smith is dead." "I understand you perfectly," sighed the client. "I just can't hear it often enough."
"What a hotel we're staying at! The towels are so big and fluffy, you can hardly close your suitcase!"
More Free Stuff from Keep Smiling
BABY TALK A guy calls the hospital. He says, "You gotta send help! My wife's going into labor!" The nurse says, "Calm down. Is this her first child?" He says, "No! This is her husband!"
Little Johnny Little Johnny calls Dad at work to tell him that his little brother has been hurt....he was hit by a car. The father rushes through the doors of the emergency room at the hospital, "I got here as fast as I could! How's my son?" Just then his wife interrupts, "He's fine. He needed three stitches in his chin." "Johnny told me what happened! Thank goodness he's all right! Thank goodness he wasn't killed! I can't believe our baby was hit by a car!" "That's what Johnny told you?" asks the mother. "Well, he said some other stuff, too, but I was running out the door! Why?" "Well, you know Little Johnny's Hot Wheels' cars?"
Highway Workers One morning a local highway department crew reached their job-site and realized they had forgotten all their shovels. The crew's foreman radioed the office and told his supervisor of the situation. The supervisor radioed back and said, "Don't worry, we'll send some shovels ... just lean on each other until they arrive."
Little Johnny Little Johnny was in church with his Mom for Sunday Mass when he felt a sudden barf attack impending. "Mom, I think I'm going to throw up!" She told him, "I want you to run outside as fast as you can. Run across the lawn and go behind the bushes. You can throw up behind the bushes and nobody will see you." So Little Johnny hauled ass for the door. Less than a minute later, he returned to his seat next to his Mom. He had the look of obvious relief on his young face. "Did you make it all the way to the bushes, Little Johnny?" "Nawww, I didn't have to go that far, Mom. Just as I got to the front door, I found a box that had a sign on it: FOR THE SICK."
Don't let your tang get all tungled up! Mr. See and Mr. Soar were old friends. See owned a saw and Soar owned a seesaw. Now See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw before Soar saw See, which made Soar sore. Had Soar seen See's saw before See saw Soar's seesaw, then See's saw would not have sawed Soar's seesaw. But See saw Soar and Soar's seesaw before Soar saw See's saw, so See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw. It was a shame to let See see Soar so sore just because See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw.
Insurance Fraud? A North Carolina man, having bought several expensive cigars, insured them against...get this...fire. After he had smoked them, he then decided that he had a claim against the insurance company and filed. The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigar normally. The man sued. The judge, stated that since the company had insured the cigars against fire, they were obligated to pay. After the man accepted payment for his claim, the company then had him arrested for...arson.
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