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When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long
and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which
open for us. - Alexander Graham Bell
Keep Smiling is in desperate need of your help and support! We need to increase the size of the mail list so please invite your friends to sign up Keep Smiling Newsletter Also we need to take advantage of the Free offers and visit the sponsors links. This is really important Please Help! There are several locations for you click on the links such as the KEEP SMILING Special Offers page
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The Job Interview Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?" The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years say, a red Corvette?" The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?" And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."
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Starting the Car About five years ago the battery in my beat-up VW Beetle had died because I left the lights on overnight. I was in a hurry to get to work on time so I ran into the house to get my wife to give me a hand to start the car. I told her to get into our second car, a prehistoric oversized gas guzzler, and use it to push my car fast enough to start it. I pointed out to her that because the VW had an automatic transmission, it needed to be pushed at least 30 mph for it to start. She said fine, hoped into her car and drove off. I sat there fuming wondering what she could be doing. A minute passed by and when I saw her in the rearview mirror coming at me at about 40 mph, I realized that I should have been a bit clearer with my directions.
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Making Faces Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said, "Bobby, when I was a child, I was told that if I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that." Bobby looked up into: her face and replied, "Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."
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What's That Noise? When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards." He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening, "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..." Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate. He stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."
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Saying Grace Our son had only heard his grandfather pray at Thanksgiving, Easter and other special occasions when he typically said a long prayer over the food. One night, after a fun campout and fishing trip, grandfather, to our son's surprise, asked a very brief blessing on the food. With a gleam in his eye, our son grinned at his Grandfather and said, "You don't pray so long when you're hungry, do you Grandpa?"
Count the Black Dots in the picture below
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Best Pig in the World A farmer was in the pub bragging about his pig. "That animal saved my life twice," he said. "Once I fell into the river and he jumped in and dragged me to the bank. Another time my house caught on fire and he ran in and saved me, the wife and kids." The farmer passes around a picture of the miraculous animal. One of the guys notices the pig is missing a leg. "Which accident did the pig lose its leg in?" he asks. "Neither. An animal like that you don't eat all at once!"
At the Supermarket A woman rushed into the supermarket to pick up a few items. She headed for the express line where the clerk was talking on the phone with his back turned to her. "Excuse me," she said, "I'm in a hurry. Could you check me out, please?" The clerk turned, stared at her for a second, looked her up and down, smiled and said, "Not bad."
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CONFUSING Once upon a time, there were four people; Their names were Everybody, Somebody, Nobody and Anybody. Whenever there was an important job to be done, Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. When Nobody did it, Everybody got angry because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought that Somebody would do it, but Nobody realized that Nobody would do it. So consequently Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done in the first place.
Babies? Bargains? Bungee Jumping? What's in your future?
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For this you'll need a calculator. Take the number of the month you were born, Multiply by 4, Add 13, Multiply by 25, Subtract 200, Add the day of the month on which you were born, Multiply by 2, Subtract 40, Multiply by 50, Add the last two digits of the year in which you were born, Subtract 10,500. Notice anything funny about your answer?
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Interstate Chase Two Alabama State Troopers were chasing a Camaro East on I-20 toward Georgia. When the suspect crossed the Georgia line, the first Trooper pulled over quickly. The rookie Trooper pulled in behind him and said, "Hey, sarge, why did you stop?" The sarge replied, "He's in Georgia now. They're an hour ahead of us, so we'll never catch him."
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The Traffic Stop An old farmer was hauling a load of manure when he was stopped by a state trooper. "You were speeding," the cop said. "I'm going to have to give you a ticket." "Yep," the farmer said as he watched the trooper shoo away several flies. "These flies sure are terrible," the trooper complained. "Yep," the farmer said. "Them are circle flies." "What's a circle fly?" "Them flies that circle a horse's tail," answered the farmer. "Them are circle flies." "You wouldn't be calling me a horse's butt, would you?" the trooper angrily asked. "Nope, I didn't," the farmer replied. "But you just can't fool them flies."
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Issue
#154
Hello everyone,
