Issue #153
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If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day,
how come nothing in the store is free yet?
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Mary and Her Hubby Mary was married to a male chauvinist. They both worked full time, but he never did anything around the house and certainly not any housework. That, he declared, was woman's work. But one evening Mary arrived home from work to find the children bathed, a load of wash in the washing machine and another in the dryer, dinner on the stove and a beautifully set table, complete with flowers. She was astonished, and she immediately wanted to know what was going on. It turned out that Charley, her husband, had read a magazine article that suggested working wives would be more romantically inclined if they weren't so tired from having to do all the housework in addition to holding down a full-time job. The next day, she couldn't wait to tell her friends in the office. "How did it work out?" they asked. "Well, it was a great dinner," Mary said. "Charley even cleaned up, helped the kids with their homework, folded the laundry and put everything away." "But what about afterward?" her friends wanted to know. "It didn't work out," Mary said. "Charley was too tired."
HOT
ROD MEDITERRANEAN RICE DISH
Boots There was a little boy in Kindergarten. He cried, so the teacher asked him what was wrong. He sobbed, "I can't find my boots." The teacher looked around the classroom and saw a pair of boots, "Are these yours?" "No, they're not mine," the boy shook his head. The teacher and the boy searched all over the classroom for his boots. Finally, the teacher gave up, "Are you SURE those boots are not yours?" "I'm sure," the boy sobbed, "mine had snow on them."
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The Generous Drunk The drunk entered the bar, seated himself on a barstool, and called to the bartender: "Give me a drink, barkeep! Give everybody in the place a drink, and give yourself a drink, too!" After everyone - including the bartender - had downed their drinks, the drunk again ordered for everyone: "Bartender! Give me another drink. Give everyone in the place another drink, and give yourself another drink!" "Wait a minute," said the bartender. "I think you'd better pay for that first round of drinks before you buy another." "Oh," said the drunk, "I don't have any money." Not surprisingly, the barkeep got mad. He grabbed the drunk, dragged him out the back door into the alley, and beat him up. Ten minutes later, the drunk re-entered through the front door, re-seated himself, and said to the baretender, "Bartender, give me a drink, and give everyone in the place a drink." "Humph!" answered the bartender sarcastically. "What about me? Don't I get one, too?" "Noooo," said the drunk. "You get mean when you drink."
Please Help My Wife A wild-eyed man dressed in a Napoleonic costume and hiding his right hand inside his coat entered the psychiatrist's office and nervously exclaimed, "Doctor, I need your help right away." "I can see that," retorted the doctor. "Lie down on that couch and tell me your problem." "I don't have any problem," the man snapped. "In fact, as Emperor of France I have everything I could possibly want: money, women, power -- everything! But I'm afraid my wife, Josephine, is in deep mental trouble." "I see," said the psychiatrist, humoring his distraught patient. "And what seems to be her main problem?" "For some strange reason," answered the unhappy man, "she thinks she's Mrs. Schwartz."
Mom Can I have Some Money A little girl asked her mother for a dollar to give to an old lady in the park. Her mother was touched by the child's kindness and gave her the required sum. "There you are, my dear," said the mother. "But, tell me, isn't the lady able to work any more?" "Oh yes," came the reply. "She sells candy."
Pigeons I was driving to work this morning when my Ford quit in the damp weather I was sitting in the car at the side of the highway, contemplating my next move, when a pigeon flew down and landed right in the middle of the hood of the car. It seemed fairly tame, and I soon became fascinated in watching it up close as it strutted around and made cooing noises. A few minutes passed, and two more pigeons flew in and joined the first bird. Pigeons seem to be attracted by crowds, and soon I was sitting there with a whole hood full of pigeons, all cooing loudly and beginning to change the color of my hood. Gradually I noticed that the birds seemed to be trying to get my attention, which was unnerving, since I had always regarded pigeons as rather stupid birds. But, sure enough, several of them were dragging a piece of rope around on the hood, and several others were flying out in front of the car and returning to the hood. All of a sudden, I realized what they were doing, so I yanked open the door and wildly chased them all off. ... No way was I going to be pigeon-towed!!
Bragging Horses Two horses were sitting at a bar. One horse said to the other, "I am such a wonderful horse. I made $100,000 for my owner racing last year." The second horse replied, "That's nothing! I made $1 million for my owner last year." At that moment, a dog came by and overheard the conversation to which he added, "You both are pathetic. I made $10 million racing for my owner last year." After the dog left, one horse said to the other, "Hmmmmm....Fancy that! A talking dog!"
The Train This fellow who had spent his whole life in the desert comes to visit a friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on... While standing in the middle of the RR tracks one day, he hears this whistle -- Whooee da Whoee! -- but doesn't know what it is. Predictably, he's hit -- but, only a glancing blow -- and is thrown, head-over-heels, to the side of the tracks, with some minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises. After weeks in the hospital recovering, he's at his friend's house attending a party, one evening. While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears the tea kettle whistling. He grabs a baseball bat from the nearby closet and proceeds to batter and bash the tea kettle into an unrecognizable lump of metal. His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes into the kitchen, sees what's happened and asks the desert man: "Why'd you ruin my good tea kettle?" The desert man replies: "Man, you gotta kill these things when they're small..."
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