Issue #151
|
|
|
 Hello everyone,
I want to let you know that there has been a litttle trouble with the list server for the Keep Smiling mail list. Several address has showed to be undeliverable and therefore had been put on a list to be dropped, this happens automatically. Please make sure your email box does not get filled to capacity and that you do not close your email. This past week I caught the error and I had to re-instate some 500 addresses to the list. If you find that you do not receive the Keep Smiling Newsletter on Sunday please go to the Keep Smiling website and sign up again. (Please do not use the Newsletter request form for personal messages Please send personal messages and jokes to othrrggrs@aol.com and put KEEP SMILING in the subject line)
Double Trouble (Game)
Ordering Breakfast A resident in a posh hotel breakfast room called over the head waiter one morning and said with a wonderful and cheerful smile. "Good Morning sir. What a wonderful morning I'd like two boiled eggs, one of them so under cooked it's runny, and the other so over cooked it's tough and hard to eat. Also, grilled bacon that has been left out so it gets a bit on the cold side; burnt toast that crumbles away as soon as you touch it with a knife; butter straight from the deep freeze so that it's impossible to spread; and a pot of very weak coffee, lukewarm." "That's a complicated order sir," said the bewildered waiter. "It might be quite difficult." The guest replied, "Oh? I don't understand -- that's what I got yesterday!"
A small boy is sent to bed by his father....[Five minutes later] "Da-ad..." "What?" "I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?" "No. You had your chance. Lights out." [Five minutes later] "Da-aaaad..." "WHAT?" "I'm THIRSTY...Can I have a drink of water??" "I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank you!!" [Five minutes later]"Daaaa-aaaAAAAD..." "WHAT??!!" "When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?"
The Parrot A man wanted to buy a parrot, so he goes to the pet shop and inquires about their stock. The attendant shows him a parrot which is quite exceptional in that it speaks any language you want. Intrigued by this, the man decides to test the bird by asking it a few questions: M: "Do you speak English?" P: "Yes." M: "Hablas Espanol?" P: "Si!" M: "Parlez vouz Francaise?" P: "Oui!" M: "Sprechen sie Deutsch?" P: "Jawohl!" M: "Falas Portugues?" P: "Sim." etc. After all his options were exhausted, the man thought for a while, then asked the parrot, "Do you speak Yiddish?" The parrot shrugs its shoulders and says: "Nu? Mit a nose like dis, vot you tink?"
Them Darn Flies! Joe said, "Know what, Charlie? I killed 5 flies yesterday, 3 males and 2 females." "How could you tell them apart, Joe?" asked Charlie. Joe replied, "It was easy. The 3 males were sitting on a case of beer and the 2 females were on the phone."
Horseback Accident Thursday, I had a near death experience that has changed me forever. I went horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse started bucking out of control. I tried with all my might to hang on, but was thrown off. Just when things could not possibly have gotten worse, my foot got caught in the stirrup. When this happened, I fell head first to the ground. My head bounced along the ground as the horse did not stop or even slow down. I was about to give up hope and starting lose consciousness. Fortunately, manager of K-Mart saw what was happening and came and unplugged the doggone thing!
Hey Mom, What's Sex? "What's sex?" asked an eight year old boy. His mother, thinking this was just the right moment to explain the facts of life, gave him a twenty minute discourse on the facts of life. After she finished she asked the child if he had any questions. "Yeh," he replied, looking down at his soccer team registration form, "How can you get all that in this little box?"
*************************************************************** Babies? Bargains? Bungee Jumping? What's in your future?
*FREE* Horoscope Click the link then enter only Your First Name, Gender, Birthadate.
Let Astrocenter help you to understand, explore, evolve... ***************************************************************
On The Golf Course A man and his friend meet at the club house and decide to play a round of golf together. The man has a little dog with him and on the first green, when the man holes out a 20 foot putt, the little dog starts to yip and stands up on its hind legs. The friend is quite amazed at this clever trick and says, "That dog is really talented! What does he do if you miss a putt?" "Somersaults," says the man. "Somersaults?!" says the friend, "That's incredible. How many does he do?" "Hmmm," says the man. "That depends on how hard I kick him in the butt."
- Fast 56K modem connections! IMPORTANT NOTE: This is NOT just a free email address this is a totally FREE *Dial Up Connection*..
Surgeons The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered." The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color-coded." The third surgeon says, "No, I really think file clerks are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order." The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would." But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable."
JUST FOLLOWING DIRECTIONS Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop." Customer: "OK." Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?" Customer: "No." Tech Support: "OK. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?" Customer: "No." Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?" Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'." (At this point I had to put the caller on hold to tell the rest of the tech support staff what had happened. I couldn't, however, stop from giggling when I got back to the call.) Tech Support: "OK, did you type 'click' with the keyboard?" Customer: "I have done something dumb, right?"
Getting Old When I went to lunch today, I noticed this lady about 75-80 years old sitting on a bench near the food court and she was sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said: "I have a 22 year old husband at home. He kisses me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground, brewed coffee." I said: "Well, then why are you crying?" She said: "he makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies ." I said: "Well so why are you crying?" She said: "For Dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite desert and then makes love to me until 2:00am." I said: "Well, why in the world would you be crying?" She said: "I CAN'T REMEMBER WHERE I LIVE!!!!"
FreeLotto
Mountain Biker A man decided that he was going to ride a 10 speed bike from Phoenix to Flagstaff. He got as far as Black Canyon City before the mountains just became too much and he could go no farther. He stuck his thumb out but after 3 hours, hadn't gotten a single person to stop. Finally a guy in a Corvette pulled over and offered him a ride. Of course, the bike wouldn't fit in the car. The owner of the Corvette found a piece of rope lying by the highway and tied it to his bumper. He tied the other end to the bike and told the man that if he got to going to fast, to honk the horn on his bike and that he would slow down. Everything went fine for the first 30 miles. Suddenly, another Corvette blew past them. Not to be outdone, the Corvette pulling the bike took off after the other. A short distance down the road, the Corvettes, both going well over 120 mph, blew through a speed trap. The police officer noted the speeds from his radar gun and radioed to the other officer that he had 2 Corvettes headed his way at over 120 mph. He then relayed, "and your not going to believe this, but there's guy on a 10 speed bike honking to pass".
A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. "Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?" "Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the > start button. "Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."
Good News And Bad "I have good news and bad news," a defense attorney told his client. "First the bad news. The blood test came back, and your DNA is an exact match with that found at the crime scene." "Oh, no!" cried the client. "What's the good news?" "Your cholesterol is down to 140."
The New Glasses The blonde went to an eye doctor to have her eyes checked for glasses. The doctor directed her to read various letters with the left eye while covering the right eye. The blonde was so mixed upon which eye was which that the eye doctor in disgust took a paper sack with a hole to see through, covered up the appropriate eye and asked her to read the letters. As he did so, he noticed the blonde had tears streaming down her face." Look," said the doctor, "there's no need to get emotional about the glasses." "I know," agreed the blonde, "But I kind of had my heart set on wire frames."
Passing Grades At a college with a questionable reputation, the new dean responded to investigations into the baseball team by immediately suspending any player who wasn't maintaining a passing average. Furious, the coach came storming into the dean's office, followed by one of his star players. "You can't keep J.B. from playing!" the coach roared. "We won't win this weekend without him!" "I don't care," the dean said. "Things have gotten out of hand at this college, and on my watch, we're turning this thing around." "What do you mean, 'out of hand'?" the coach demanded. "I'll show you precisely what I mean," the dean said. He turned to the baseball player and said, "Tell me, J.B., how much is six times seven?" The player pondered for several seconds. Then he grinned and said, "Uh, thirty-one?" The dean turned to the coach and said, "I rest my case." "Oh, come on now," the coach said. "Why are you making such a big deal of it? After all, he only missed it by one!"
Remember to invite your friends to sign up for the Free Keep Smiling Newsletter
|
