Issue #149
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Today's Stock Market
Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary.
Two rabbits were chased into a haystack by a pack of wolves. As the wolves surrounded the haystack, one rabbit turned to the other and said, Shall we make a break for it now or stay here a couple of days and outnumber them?
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Only in America America... this country is so full of opportunity! Where else can a wife hire a woman to do her housework so she can volunteer at the Day Care Center where the cleaning woman leaves her child. . .
Computers make it easy to do a lot of things,
Little Bobby Little Bobby was spending the weekend with his grandmother after a particularly trying week in kindergarten. His grandmother decided to take him to the park on Saturday morning. It had been snowing all night and everything was beautiful. His grandmother remarked..."doesn't it look like an artist painted this scenery? Did you know God painted this just for you?" Bobby said, "Yes, God did it and he did it left handed." This confused his grandmother a bit, and she asked him "What makes you say God did this with his left hand?" "Well," said Bobby, "we learned at Sabbath School last week that Jesus sits on God's right hand!"
The International Library of Poetry
The Radio Thing My son came home from kindergarten on his first day of school very excited. He told of all the new kids, the new toys, and all of the daily activities. I asked if he was good for his teacher? He replied, "Yes but this other kid wasn't. She got in trouble for touching the teacher's radio thing." My husband asked what was going on, so I told the story as, "Some kid got in trouble for touching the teacher's radio." My son said, "No Mom, the radio thing, the thing that plays the BIG CD'S." Then we realized it was a record player and my son had no idea what it was. Enough to make you roll your eyes and feel very old, very fast.
Feeling Young Again Two 80 year old men are driving down the road when they hear the Ex-lax commercial end with the statement "It makes you feel young again." John looks at Sylvester and asks "We need to pull over and get a bottle of that stuff!" Sylvester agrees and the two old men pull over and get a bottle of Ex-lax. They both take two tablespoons each and continue to drive. About one mile later Sylvester asks "Well John, do you feel young yet?". "No" replies John, so they pull over and take four more tablespoons apiece and continue to drive down the road. A couple of miles later, Sylvester asks "John, do you feel younger?". "No," replies John,"but I sure did a childish thing!"
At the Mall There was once a monk who liked to peddle flowers in front of a large shopping establishment. He was a very annoying fellow, who would constantly beseech you to buy his flowers, and when you refused he would curse you with all the fire and brimstone he could muster. This was very annoying to the patrons of the shopping center, and they began to take their business elsewhere. The businessmen became upset, because this fellow was driving away all the shoppers. One day, one of them got an idea. He ran off to the cattle yard, and purchased a lamb. He then came back and climbed to the roof of the building, threw the lamb over the side, killing the monk below as he was selling his flowers. The other businessmen came up to him and asked, "Why did you do that?" He replied, "I had to. Only ewes can stop florist friars."
The Baptism A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the Preacher. The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, Are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk looks back and says, "Yess, Preacher..I sure am." The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked. "Nooo, I didn't!" said the drunk. The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?" "Noooo, I did not Reverrend." The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, "My Good man, have you found Jesus yet?" The ole drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher... "Are you sure this is where he fell in?
Future as Seen in 1950 (1). "I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, its' going to be impossible to buy a weeks groceries for $20." (2) "Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long when $5000 will only buy a used one." (3). "If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous." (4). "Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging dime just to mail a letter?" (5). "The Government is wanting to get its hands on everything. Pretty soon it's going to be impossible to run a family business or farm." (6). "If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store." (7). "When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 50 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage." (8). "Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make it impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls." (9). "Also, their music drives me wild. This `Rock Around The Clock` thing is nothing but racket." (10). "I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying `damn` in `Gone With The Wind,` it seems every movie has a `hell` or`damn in it." (11). "Also, it won't be long until couples are sleeping in the same bed in the movies. What is this world coming to?" (12)."Marilyn Monroe is now showing her bra and panties, so apparently there are no standards anymore." (13). "Pretty soon you won't be able to buy a good 10 cent cigar." (14). "I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas." (15). "Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the president." (16). "Do you suppose television will ever reach our part of the country?" (17). "I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now." (18). "It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet." (19). "It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work." (20). "Marriage doesn't mean a thing anymore, Those Hollywood stars seem to be getting divorced at the drop of a hat." (21). " I'll tell you one thing. If my kid ever talks back to me, they won't be able to sit down for a week." (22). "Did you know the new church in town is allowing women to wear slacks to their service?" (23). "Next thing you know is, the government will start paying us not to grow crops." (24). "I'm just afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business." (25). "Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to congress." (26). "Why in the world would you want to send your daughter to college? Isn't she going to get married? It would be different if she could be a doctor or a lawyer." (27). "I just hate to see the young people smoking. As I tell my kids, "Don't take a cigarette from ANYONE. You never know what might be in it." (28). The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on." (29). "There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a weekend. It costs nearly $15 a night to stay in a hotel." (30). "Anymore no one can afford to be sick, $35 a day in the hospital is too rich for my blood." (31). "If a few idiots want to risk their necks flying across the country that's fine, but nothing will ever replace trains." (32). "I don't know about you but if they raise the price of coffee to 15 cents, I'll just have to drink mine at home." (33). "If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it. I'll have my wife learn to cut hair." (34). "We won't be going out much anymore. Our baby sitter informed us she wants 50 cents an hour. Kids think money grows on trees." (35). "Cars which dim their lights by sensors, automatic transmissions, and who knows what else? Pretty soon they will drive themselves."
Precise Age Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History are marveling at the dinosaur bones. One of them asks the blonde guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?" The guard replies, "They are 3 million, four years, and six months old." "That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?" The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago."
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Only 100 Years Ago... The average life expectancy in the United States was forty-seven. Only 14 percent of the homes in the United States had a bathtub. Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone. A three minute call from Denver to New York City cost eleven dollars. There were only 8,000 cars in the US and only 144 miles of paved roads. The maximum speed limit in most cities was ten mph. Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa, and Tennessee were each more heavily populated than California. With a mere 1.4 million residents, California was only the twenty-first most populous state in the Union. The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower. The average wage in the U.S. was twenty-two cents an hour. The average U.S. worker made between $200 and $400 per year. A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year, a dentist $2500 per year, a veterinarian between $1500 and $4000 per year, and a mechanical engineer about $5000 per year. More than 95 percent of all births in the United States took place at home. Ninety percent of all U.S. physicians had no college education. Instead, they attended medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press and by the government as "substandard." Sugar cost four cents a pound. Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen. Coffee cost fifteen cents a pound. Most women only washed their hair once a month and used borax or egg yolks for shampoo. Canada passed a law prohibiting poor people from entering the country for any reason, either as travelers or immigrants.
The five leading causes of death in the U.S. were: The American flag had 45 stars. Arizona, Oklahoma, New Mexico, Hawaii and Alaska hadn't been admitted to the Union yet. Drive-by-shootings -- in which teenage boys galloped down the street on horses and started randomly shooting at houses, carriages, or anything else that caught their fancy -- were an ongoing problem in Denver and other cities in the West. The population of Las Vegas, Nevada was thirty. The remote desert community was inhabited by only a handful of ranchers and their families. Plutonium, insulin, and antibiotics hadn't been discovered yet. Scotch tape, crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea hadn't been invented. There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day. One in ten U.S. adults couldn't read or write. Only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated from high school. Some medical authorities warned that professional seamstresses were apt to become sexually aroused by the steady rhythm, hour after hour, of the sewing machine's foot pedals. They recommended slipping bromide -- which was thought to diminish sexual desire -- into the woman's drinking water. Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at corner drugstores. According to one pharmacist, "Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and the bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health. Coca-Cola contained cocaine instead of caffeine. Punch card data processing had recently been developed, and early predecessors of the modern computer were used for the first time by the government to help compile the 1900 census. Eighteen percent of households in the United States had at least one full-time servant or domestic. There were about 230 reported murders in the U.S. annually.
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That's The Problem An annoyingly self-righteous man went to the doctor for a check-up. He said, "I feel terrible. Please examine me and tell me what's wrong with me." "Let's begin with a few questions," said the doctor, "Do you drink much?" "Alcohol?" said the man. "I'm a teetotaler. Never touch a drop." "How about smoking?" asked the doctor. "Never," replied the man. "Tobacco is bad, and I have strong principles against it." "Well, uh." asked the doctor, "do you have much sex life?" "Oh, no," said the man. "Sex is sin. I'm in bed by 10:30 every night, always have been." The doctor paused, looked at the man hard, and asked, "Well, do you have pains in your head?" "Yes," said the man. "I have terrible pains in my head." "O.K.," said the doctor. "That's your trouble. Your halo is on too tight!!
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