Issue #148 |
"To dream of the person we'd like to be
is a waste of the person we are."
THIS IS TRULY WILD!!!
Take the number of the month you were born, multiply by 4, add 13,
multiply by 25, subtract 200, add the day of the month on which you were
born, multiply by 2, subtract 40, multiply by 50, add the last two digits
of the year in which you were born, subtract 10,500.
Notice anything funny about your answer?
Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap -tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.
Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.
"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?"
"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"
No Respect
My boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss". He then taped it to his office door.
Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said. "Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"
The Pirate
A pirate walks off his ship. He has a wooden leg, a hook instead of a hand, and a patch over his right eye. He sits down on a bench, and begins throwing peanuts to the seagulls.
Two curious young children shyly sit down next to him and ask the pirate how he came to have a wooden leg.
The pirate replies, "Well, I was standing on the deck of me ship one day, and a wave washed me overboard. Then a shark came along and bit me leg off!"
The little boy then asked, "How did you lose your hand?"
"Many years ago, I was fighting the Navy, and one of them scalawags cuts me hand off. Their doc couldn't find a hand, so they puts this hook on," answered the pirate.
Next, the little girl asked, "How did you lose your eye?"
"Well," says the pirate, "I was standing watch up in the crow's nest, and just as I looked up, a lousy seagull flew over and did his business right in me eye!"
The children, thoroughly confused, exclaim "How did THAT cause you to lose your eye?"
The pirate replies, "Well, it was me first day with the hook."
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Too Drunk
Roy walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk, and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink.
The bartender politely informs Roy that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink, he could not be served additional liquor at this bar, and could a cab be called for him?
Roy is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool and staggers out the front door.
A few minutes later, Roy stumbles in the SIDE door of the "same" bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink.
The bartender comes over and, still politely but more firmly, refuses service to him due to his inebriation, and again
offers to call a cab. He looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.
A few minutes later, Roy bursts in through the BACK door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds him that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately.
Roy surprisingly looks at the bartender, and in hopeless anguish, cries -
"MAAAN! How many bars do you work at!?!?!"
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Bob's New Pet
Bob goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything. The owner says, "How about a dog?"
Bob replies, "Come on, a dog can't do everything."
The owner says, "How about a cat?"
Bob replies, "No way! A cat certainly can't do everything. I want a pet that can do everything!"
The owner thinks for a minute. Then he says, "I've got it... a centipede!"
Bob says, "A centipede? ... I can't imagine a centipede doing everything, but... okay... I'll try a centipede."
He gets the centipede home and says to the centipede, "Go clean the kitchen."
Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and it's immaculate.
All the dishes and silverware have been washed, dried, and put away. The counter-top's cleaned, the appliances are sparkling and the floor had been waxed.
He's absolutely amazed!
He says to the centipede, "Go clean the living room."
Twenty minutes later, he walks into the living room. The carpet has been vacuumed. The furniture cleaned and dusted. The pillows had been plumped, plants watered. The man thinks to himself, "This is the most amazing thing I've ever seen. This is a pet that can really do everything." He says to the centipede, "Run down to the store and get me a newspaper."
The centipede walks out the door. Ten minutes later... no centipede.
Twenty minutes later... no centipede. Thirty minutes later... no centipede.
Bob is wondering what's going on. The centipede should have been back in a couple of minutes.
Forty-five minutes later ... still no centipede!
Bob can't imagine what could have happened. Did the centipede run away?
Did it get run over by a car? Where is the centipede?
He goes to the front door, opens it... and there's the centipede, sitting right outside the door. Bob says, "Hey!!! I sent you 45 minutes ago to run down to the corner and get me a newspaper. What's the story?!"
The centipede says, "I'm goin'! I'm goin'! I'm puttin' on my shoes!
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Listen To The Children While They
Play
Two kids are talking, and one says, "Boy, my dad works twelve hours a day
to give me a nice home and good food.
My mom spends the whole day cleaning and cooking for me.
I'm really worried."
The other kid says, "What have you got to worry about?"
The first kid says, "What if they try to escape?"
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| Mirror, mirror on the wall Do you have to tell it all? Where do you get the glaring right To make my clothes look just too tight?
I think I'm fine but I can see
What's that, you say? A double chin?
And then if you're not hanging straight
I hate you being smug and wise ~
If I look like this in my new jeans |
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Peanuts
A preacher visits an elderly woman from his congregation. As he sits on the couch he notices a large bowl of peanuts on the coffee table.
"Mind if I have a few?" he asks. "No, not at all" the woman replied.
They chat for an hour and as the preacher stands to leave, he realizes that instead of eating just a few peanuts, he emptied most of the bowl.
"I'm terribly sorry for eating all your peanuts, I really just meant to eat a few."
"Oh that's all right" the woman says...
"...ever since I lost my teeth all I can do is suck the chocolate off them."
Pulled Over by the Police
A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."
The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack."
"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."
"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."
"Well, then, we need a urine sample."
"I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar."
"All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."
"I can't do that, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk."
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