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Thank You for all the email that you have been sending in to othrrggrs@aol.com Keep up the good work! Please send jokes, amusing stories, cartoons and graphics (if you created the graphic that you send in please tell me in the email).
What A Deal!
A man was reading the paper when an ad caught his eye. It loudly announced,
So he went to the lady's house who was selling the Porsche and she led him into the garage. Sure enough, there was an almost brand new Porsche. "Wow!" the man said, "Can I take it for a test drive?" "Sure," answered the lady. Unlike what he expected, the man found that the car ran perfectly. When he got back to the lady's house, he asked her, "Why are you selling me this great Porsche for only $500?" Then the lady replied with a laugh, "My husband just ran off with his secretary, and he told me, 'You can have the house and the furniture, just sell my Porsche and send me the money.' "
What does your phone number spell?
Let The Truth Be Known Frank came into his wife's room one day. "If I were, say, disfigured, would you still love me?" he asked her. "Darling, I'll always love you," she said calmly, filing her nails. "How about if I became crippled and you had to take care of me?" he asked nervously. " would you still love me?" "Don't worry, darling, I'll always love you," she told him, buffing her nails. "Well, how about if I lost my job as vice president?" Frank went on, "if I weren't pulling in six figures any more. Would you still love me then?" The woman looked over at her husband's worried face. "Frank, I'll always love you," she reassured him, "but most of all, I'll really miss you."
A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."
A fisherman accidentally left his day's catch under the seat of a bus. The next evening's newspaper carried an ad: "If the person who left a bucket of fish on the No. 47 bus would care to come to the garage, he can have the bus."
Absent-Minded Confessors-- At the grocery store, I wrote my check out for $20 more than the amount of my purchase, as I often do. While waiting for my check to be processed, I casually mentioned to the clerk that the last time I had shopped there, I had forgotten to take the #20 that was owed me. "This time," I told her, "I won’t make that mistake" Seconds later, I carefully tucked the #20 in my wallet and headed for my car, only to her the cashier calling after me. "Hey, lady! You forgot your groceries.
"Time Catches Up" Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were taking a walk one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, ain't it?" "No," the second man replied, "It's Thursday." And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a coke."
"Hearing Aid" Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "You hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again." To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
Learning to Drive A teenager had just received his brand new driver's license. The family goes out to the driveway and climbs in the car, where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the new driver. "I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," says the beaming boy to his dad. "Nope," comes dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years!"
Got a Windows question? I might have the
answer....
OIL CHANGING INSTRUCTIONS: WOMEN: 1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 since the last oil change. 2. Drink a cup of coffee. 3. 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
MEN: 1. Go to O'Reilly auto parts and write a check for 50 dollars for oil, filter, oil lift (AKA kitty litter), hand cleaner and scented tree. 2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard. 3. Open a beer and drink it. 4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands. 5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car. 6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it. 7. Place drain pan under engine. 8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench. 9. Give up and use crescent wrench. 10. Unscrew drain plug. 11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process. 12. Clean up. 13. Have another beer while oil is draining. 14. Look for oil filter wrench. 15. Give up; poke oil filter with Phillips screwdriver and twist it off. 16. Beer. 17. Buddy shows up; finish case with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow. 18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. 19. Throw oil lift (AKA kitty litter) on oil spilled during step 18. 20. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday. 21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer. 22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to gasket first. 23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine. 24. Remember drain plug from step 11. 25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan. 26. Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of fresh oil drains onto floor. 27. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame. 28. Bang head on floor board in reaction. 29. Begin cussing fit. 30. Throw wrench. 31. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December 1992. 32. Clean up; apply Band-Aid to knuckle. 33. Beer. 34. Beer. 35. Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil. 36. Beer. 37. Lower car from jack stands. 38. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands. 39. Move car back to apply more oil lift (AKA kitty litter) to fresh oil spilled during step 23. 40. Drive car
Little Johnny and the Spelling Bee The teacher says to her new class, "For our first lesson each of you will stand up, tell us your name, what your father does, spell what your father does, and then explain it to us. All right, Billy, you go first." Billy stands up and says, "My name's Billy. My father's a lawyer, l-a- w-y-e-r, and he defends people in court." The teacher says, "Very good. All right, Sammy your turn." Tyrone stands up and says, "My name's Sammy. My father's a pharmacist, f-a-m...f-a-r-n...f-n..." The teacher says, "Tyrone, you go home tonight and learn how to spell pharmacist. All right, Johnny." Johnny stands up and says, "My name's Johnny. My old man's a bookie, b-o-o-k-i-e, and if he was here, he'd give you seven to four on that Tyrone ain't spellin' pharmacist by tomorrow."
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Waiting for Help One night, a torrential rain soaked South Louisiana; the next morning the resulting floodwaters came up about 6 feet into most of the homes there. Mrs. Boudreaux was sitting on her roof with her neighbor, Mrs. Thibodaux, waiting for help to come. Mrs. Thibodaux noticed a lone baseball cap floating near the house. Then she saw it float far out into the front yard, then float all the way back to the house; it kept floating away from the house, then back in. Her curiosity got the best of her, so she asked Mrs. Boudreaux, "Do you see that baseball cap floating away from the house, then back again?" Mrs. Boudreaux said, "Oh yes, that's my husband; I told him he was going to cut the grass today come Hell or high water!"
The tough businessman was feeling very ill and went to the doctor. The doc examined him and backed away, saying, "I'm sorry to tell you this, but you have an advanced case of highly infectious rabies. You must have had it for some time. It will almost certainly be fatal." "Could you give me a pen and paper?" asked the businessman. "Do you want to write your will?" "No, I want to make a list of all the people I want to bite."
It was Saturday morning as Jake, an avid hunter, woke up ready to go bag the first deer of the season. He walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he finds his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage. Jake asks her: "What are you up to?" Alice smiles: "I'm going hunting with you!" Jake, though he had many reservations about this, reluctantly decides to take her along. Later they arrive at the hunting site. Jake sets his wife safely up in the tree stand and tells her: "If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and I'll come running back as soon as I hear the shot". Jake walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn't bag an elephant--much less a deer. Not 10 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears an array of gunshots. Quickly, Jake starts running back. As Jake gets closer to her stand, he hears Alice screaming: "Get away from my deer!" Confused, Jake races faster towards his screaming wife. And again he hears her yell: "Get away from my deer!" followed by another volley of gunfire. Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake is surprised to see a cowboy, with his hands high in the air. The cowboy, obviously distraught, says: "Okay, lady, okay!!!! You can have your deer!!! Just let me get my saddle off it!"
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