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Lost in the Woods
My uncle Joe and his best buddy, Bubba, went hunting a couple of weeks ago. Somehow they got lost. (Uncle Joe swears it had nothing to do with the large quantities of alcohol consumed...) Uncle Joe reassured his buddy, though. "Don't worry. All we have to do is shoot into the air three times, stay where we are, and someone will find us."
They shot in the air three times, but no one came. After a while, they tried it again. Still no response. When they decided to try once more, Bubba said, "It better work this time. We're down to our last three arrows."
The little old couple walked slowly into McDonalds that cold winter evening. They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there that night. Some of the customers looked admiringly at them. You could tell what the admirers were thinking. "Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!"
The little old man walked right up to the cash register, placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal. The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray. There was one hamburger, one order of french fries and one drink.
The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. Then he carefully counted out the french fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.
As the man began to eat his few bites of hamburger the crowd began to get restless.
Again you could tell what they were thinking. "That poor old couple. All they can afford is one meal for the two of them."
As the man began to eat his french fries one young man stood and came over to the old couples table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple to eat. The old man replied that they were just fine. They were used to sharing everything.
Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy them something to eat. This time the lady explained that no, they were used to sharing everything together. As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin the young man could stand it no longer. Again he came over to their table and offered to buy some food.
After being politely refused again he finally asked a question of the little old lady. "Maam, why aren't you eating. You said that you share everything. What is it that you are waiting for?"
She answered, "the teeth".
Handmaidens - Comedy
Either Fish or
A game warden noticed how a particular fellow named Sam consistently caught more fish than anyone else. Whereas the other guys would only catch three or four a day. Sam would come in off the lake with a boat full. Stringer after stringer was always packed with freshly caught trout. The warden, curious, asked Sam his secret. The successful fisherman invited the game warden to accompany him and observe.
So the next morning the two met at the dock and took off in Sam's boat. When they got to the middle of the lake, Sam stopped the boat, and the warden sat back to see how it was done.
Sam's approach was simple. He took out a stick of dynamite, lit it, and threw it in the air. The explosion rocked the lake with such a force that dead fish immediately began to surface. Sam took out a net and started scooping them up.
Well, you can imagine the reaction of the game warden. When he recovered from the shock of it all, he began yelling at Sam. "You can't do this! I'll put you in jail, buddy! You will be paying every fine there is in the book!"
Sam, meanwhile, set his net down and took out another stick of dynamite. He lit it and tossed it in the lap of the game warden with these words, "Are you going to sit there all day complaining, or are you going to fish?"
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Sharing the Stage
The Pope and the Queen of England are on the same stage at an Anglican and Catholic commemoration of the Anglo- Irish accords. The crowd is huge - thousands. Her Majesty and His Holiness, can't help but have a little rivalry, both being heads of churches and all.
The Queen says to the Pope, "Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every English person in the crowd go wild?"
He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the royal- gloved wave elicits rapture and cheering from very Englishman in the crowd. Gradually the cheering subsides.
The Pope, not wanting to be outdone by someone wearing a worse frock and hat than he, considers what he could do. So the Pope says to the Queen, "Your Majesty, that was impressive. But did you know that with one little wave of MY hand I can make every Irish person in the crowd go crazy with joy? Their joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will speak forever of this day and rejoice. They will recount it to their grandchildren and they to their descendants."
The Queen seriously doubts this, and says so. "One little wave of your hand and all Irish people will rejoice forever?
So the Pope slaps her.
"Press Bell for Night Watchman."
Passing an office building late one night, Paula saw a sign that said, "Press bell for night watchman."
She did so, and after several minutes she heard the watchman clomping down the stairs. The uniformed men proceeded to unlock first one gate, then another, shut down the alarm system, and finally made his way through the revolving door.
"Well," he snarled at Paula, "what do you want?"
"I just wanted to know why you can't ring it yourself."
Never Miss A Phone Call
you REALLY say that?
So you think you're computer-illiterate? Check out the following excerpts from a Wall Street Journal article.
1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press any key" to "Press the Enter key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "any" key is.
2. Gateway support had a caller complain that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The dust cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
3. A Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. After troubleshooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer had labeled the diskettes and then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.
4. Another Gateway customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of the diskettes.
5. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered that the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor and pressing the "Send" key.
6. Another Dell customer need help setting up a new program, so a technician suggested he go to the local Egghead. "Yeah, I got me a couple of friends," the customer replied. When told that Egghead was a software store, the man said "Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks."
7. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.
8. A Gateway technician spoke to a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid." The technician explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid entry" responses shouldn't be taken personally.
9. An exasperated caller to Dell couldn't get her new computer to turn on. After making sure the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response was "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happened." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the mouse.
10. A customer called Compaq to say her brand new0 computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"
11. This guy calls in to complain that he gets an "Access Denied" message every time he logs in. It turned out he was typing his user name and password in capital letters.
Tech Support: OK, let's try once more, but use lower case letters. Customer "Uh, I only have capital letters on my keyboard."
12. True story from a Novell NetWire technician:
Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did your receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"
Caller: "It came with my computer. I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '32X.' on it."
At this point the technician had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and had snapped it off the drive!
Read the Labels
Tonight as I was at Safeway waiting for my daughter to pick out some shampoo, I was browsing the shelves.
The boxes of Rogaine caught my eye.
There were two types, prominently labeled "Rogaine for Men" and "Rogaine for Women."
Being a rather balding male, I picked up the Rogaine for Men and turned it over to see the back. There was a well-marked, shaded text box clearly stating: "Do not use while pregnant or nursing."
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Anne's Baby World - Sleeping Baby <... sshhhHHHH!!! ...
Get To Work!
Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a highly agitated, arrogant little man who ran a small business that he had started from scratch.
"I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said.
"But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."
"How's that?" the would be accountant asked.
"I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back."
"I see," the accountant said. "And how much will my position pay?"
"I'll start you at eighty five thousand," responded the owner decisively.
"Eighty five thousand dollars!" the accountant exclaimed. "How can such a small business afford a sum like that?"
"That," the owner said, "is your first worry. Now get to work!"
You Were A Good
The Cowboy Without A Horse
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.
He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.
"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.
No one answered.
"Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas!
And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!"
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post.
He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go...what happened in Texas?"
The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."
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Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"
"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychologcal techniques, visualization, and association. It made a huge difference for me."
"That's great! What was the name of the clinic?"
Fred went blank he thought and thought, but couldn't remember.
Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?"
"You mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife... "Rose, what was the name of that clinic?"
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Skip a Day
A woman was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet.
"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."
When the woman returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"
The woman nodded. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."
"From hunger, you mean?"
"No, from skipping."
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