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Japanese Banking Crisis
Following last week's news that Origami Bank had folded, we are hearing that Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches. Karaoke Bank is up for sale and is going for a song.
Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived and 500 back office staff at Karate Bank got the chop. Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank and staff there fear they may get a raw deal.
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WHY?
| * How come wrong numbers are never busy?
* Do people in Australia call the rest of the world 'up over'? * Does that screwdriver belong to Philip? * Can a stupid person be a smart-ass? * Does killing time damage eternity? * Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? * Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips? * Why is it that night falls but day breaks? * Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?
* Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn
down the volume
* Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid
made with real * Are part-time band leaders semi-conductors? * Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawnshop? * Day light savings time - why are they saving it and where do they keep it? * Did Noah keep his bees in archives? * Do jellyfish get gas from eating jellybeans? * Do pilots take crash-courses? * Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"? * Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers?
* Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just
whipped out a * Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations? * Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool? * How can there be self-help "groups"? * How do you get off a nonstop flight? * How do you write zero in Roman numerals? * How many weeks are there in a light year?
* If a candle factory burns down, does everyone just stand around and sing
"Happy * If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his Walkman? * If athletes get athlete's foot, do astronauts get mistletoe? * If Barbie's so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends? * If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs? * If cats and dog didn't have fur would we still pet them?
* If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, then what are Girl
Scout cookies * If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags? * If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look the way they do? * If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of? * If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi? * If you can't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots? * If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?
* If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does
he become * Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child? * Why do they call it 'chili' if it's hot? * Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game," when we are already here? |
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My friend is coming for supper
"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."
"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking fancy meal!"
"I know all that."
"Then why did you invite a friend for supper?"
"Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."
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Party On!
There was this party in the woods and all of a sudden there was a down pour of thunder and rain. Two young guys ran for about 10 minutes in the pouring rain, finally reaching their car just as the rain let up. They jumped in the car, started it up and headed down the road, laughing and, of course, still drinking one beer after the other. All of a sudden an old man's face appeared in the passenger window and tapped lightly on the window! The passenger screamed out, "eeeeekkk! Look at my window!!!
There's an old guy's face there!" (Was this a ghost!?!?!?) This old man kept knocking, so the driver said "well open the window a little and ask him what he wants!" So the passenger rolled his window down part way and said, scared out of his wits, "What do you want???" The old man softly replied, "You have any tobacco?" The passenger, terrified, looked at the driver and said, "He wants tobacco!"
"Well, offer him a cigarette! HURRY!!" the driver replies. So he fumbles around with the pack and hands the old man a cigarette and yells "Step on it!!!", rolling up the window in terror. Now going about 80 miles an hour, they calm down and they start laughing again, and the passenger says, "What do you think of that?" The driver says, "I don't know? How could that be? I was going pretty fast, but don't worry, the Speedo says 80 now."
Then all of a sudden AGAIN there is a knock on the window and there is the old man again. "Aaaaaaaaaaaaa, there he is again!", the passenger yells. "Well, see what he wants now!" yells back the driver. He rolls down the window a little ways and shakily says "Yes?" "Do you have a light?" the old man quietly asks. The driver throws a lighter out of the window at him and rolls up the window and yells, "I'M STEPPING ON IT!"
They are now going about 100 miles an hour and still guzzling beer, trying to forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden again, there is more knocking!
"Oh my God! HE'S BACK!" He rolls down the window and screams out, "WHAT DO YOU WANT NOW?" in stark terror.
The old man gently replies, "You want some help getting out of the mud?
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Everybody on Earth dies and goes to heaven.
God comes and says, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth, and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."
Said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of men who were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and the line of men that dominated their women, well, there was only one man standing in it.
God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves! I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates! Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him!
Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
And the man replied, "I don't know, my wife made me stand here"
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The Truth
A century ago, a young student at the great Oxford University in England was taking an important examination in religious studies.
The examination question for this day was to write about the religious and spiritual meaning in the miracle of Christ turning water into wine. For two hours he sat in the crowded classroom while other students filled their pages with long essays, to show their understanding. The exam time was almost over and this one student had not written a single word. The proctor came over to him and insisted that he commit something to the paper before turning it in.
The young Lord Byron simply picked up his hand and penned the following line:
"The water met its Master, and blushed."
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Get Your Money's Worth
A feisty 70 year old woman had to call a furnace repairman.
After a quick inspection the man put some oil into the motor and handed her a $70 bill for labor.
"Labor charges!" she exclaimed. "It only took you five minutes."
The repairman explained that his company had a minimum one-hour charge on every house call.
"Well, I want my remaining 55 minutes of labor," the lady responded, and she handed him a rake.
The repairman spent the next 55 minutes in her yard bagging leaves.
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Offer Ends February 29, 2000 so sign up today
National Arbor Day Foundation - 10 FREE Trees! .
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The After Y2K "To Do List"
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Oh My Gaaaad
A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.
"Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeeemer!!!", he whined.
"You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!" retorted the officer.
"You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!"
"Oh my gaaaad...", replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was. "Where's my Rolex???!!!!"
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Mary had a little
Lamb, His fleece was white as snow.
And everywhere that Mary went, The Lamb was sure to go.
He followed her to school each day, T'wasn't even in the rule.
It made the children laugh and play, To have a Lamb at school.
And then the rules all changed one day, illegal it became;
To bring the Lamb of God to school, Or even speak His Name.
Every day got worse and worse, And days turned into years.
Instead of hearing children laugh, We heard gun shots and tears.
What must we do to stop the crime, That's in our schools today?
Let's let the Lamb come back to school, And teach our kids to pray!
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Last Words
The woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "My dearest, you have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"
What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"I think you're bad luck."
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Save-The-Children-USA Home Page
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Old Horses
This Kentucky horse breeder had a filly that won every race in which she was entered. But as she got older she became very temperamental.
He soon found that when he raced her in the evening, she would win handily, but when she raced during the day she would come in dead last.
He consulted the top veterinarians and horse psychologists to no avail. He finally had to give up because she had become ... a real ... night mare.
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Just Let Me Explain
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
"But officer!" the man began, "I don't have time for this right now!"
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."
"But officer, I just wanted to say ..."
"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later, the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the bridegroom."
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Not My Fault
A man and a woman are driving down the highway when another car passes them. The woman notices that the occupants of the other car are young and obviously in love. The girl is sitting very close to her boyfriend as they cruise on down the highway.
This causes the woman to think back when she and her husband were young and in love, and wondering where the show of affection had disappeared to over the years.
Finally she says to her husband, "Remember when we used to be like that young couple? Where did the love go, honey?"
Her question was met with a few moments of silence. Then he quietly replied, "I haven't moved."
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JigZone: Online Jigsaw Puzzles
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If I Were the Devil
By Paul Harvey
(c) 1999 Paul Harvey News
I would gain control of the most powerful nation in the world; I would delude their minds into thinkingthat they had come from man's effort, instead of God's blessings;
I would promote an attitude of loving things and using people, instead of the other way around;
I would dupe entire states into relying on gambling for their state revenue;
I would convince people that character is not an issue when it comes to leadership;
I would make it legal to take the life of unborn babies;
I would make it socially acceptable to take one's own life, and invent machines to make it convenient;
I would cheapen human life as much as possible so that the life of animals are valued more than human beings;
I would take God out of the schools, where even the mention of His name was grounds for a lawsuit;
I would come up with drugs that sedate the mind and target the young, and I would get sports heroes to advertise them;
I would get control of the media, so that every night I could pollute the mind of every family member for my agenda;
I would attack the family, the backbone of any nation.
I would make divorce acceptable and easy, even fashionable. If the family crumbles, so does the nation;
I would compel people to express their most depraved fantasies on canvas and movie screens, and I would call it art;
I would convince the people that right and wrong are determined by a few who call themselves authorities and refer to their agenda as politically correct;
I would persuade people that the church is irrelevant and out of date, and the Bible is for thenaive;
I would dull the minds of Christians, and make them believe that prayer is not important, and that faithfulness and obedience are optional;
I guess I would leave things pretty much the way they are.
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Take advantage of incite Video Gaming's special offer for web readers!... Just click here complete and submit this form and we will rush you the next available issue of incite Video Gaming, FREE!
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When you have had one of those TAKE THIS JOB AND SHOVE IT days, try this.
On your way home after work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the section where they have thermometers. You will need to purchase a rectal thermometer made by *Q-Tip Be very sure that you get this brand.
When you get home, lock your doors, draw the drapes, and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed during your therapy.
Change to very comfortable clothing, such as a sweatsuit and lie down on your bed.
Open the package containing the thermometer and remove the thermometer and carefully place it on the bed side table so that it will not become chipped or broken. Take the written material that accompanies the thermometer and as you read it you will notice in small print the statement that every rectal thermometer made by Q-Tip is PERSONALLY tested.
Now close your eyes and say out loud five times, "I'm so glad that I do not work in quality control at the Q-Tip Company."
(Apologies to anyone that might work for Q-Tip Quality Control)
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My wife is on a well-known diet plan, and so far she's lost $300.
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Hunting Accident
At the police station, Bubba explained to the police officer why his cousins shot him.
"Well," Bubba began, "We wuz havin' a good time drinking, when my cousin Ray picked up his shotgun and said, 'Hey, der ya fellows wanna go hunting?'"
"And then what happened?" the officer interrupted.
"From what I remember," Bubba said, "I stood up and said,'Sure, I'm game.'"
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Travel & Leisure circles the globe to bring you the best. Whether you set your sights on lands beyond the horizon or prefer traveling closer to home, you'll find exciting destinations and countless leisure-time diversions in the pages of Travel & Leisure.
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Playing One's Age
A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in Las Vegas. She's down to her last $50. Exasperated, she exclaims, "What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?"
A man standing next to her, trying to calm her down, sugests, "I don't know... Why don't you play your age?"
He walks away. Moments later, his attention is grabbed by a great commotion at the roulette table.
Maybe, she won! He rushes back to the table and pushes his way through the crowd.
The lady is lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her.
The man is stunned. He asks, "What happened?
Is she all right?"
The operator replies, "I don't know. She put all her money on 29. When 36 came up, then she just fainted!"
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Botany Encyclopedia of Plants and Botanical Dictionary.
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Little Johnny
Johnny had been misbehaving and was sent to his room. After a while he emerged and informed his mother that he had thought it over and then said a prayer.
"Fine", said the pleased mother. "If you ask God to help you not misbehave, He will help you." "Oh, I didn't ask Him to help me not misbehave," said Johnny, "I asked Him to help you put up with me."
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The Sandwich
As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection. A thick slab of ham, a fresh bun, crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard. The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the picnic table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side. "Hold Johnny (our six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich," she said. I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers. I love mustard. I had no napkin.
I licked it off.
IT WAS NOT MUSTARD!!!
No man ever put a baby down faster. It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my tongue protruding. With a washcloth in each hand I did the sort of routine shoeshine boys do, only I did it on my tongue.
Later (after she stopped crying from laughing so hard) my wife said, "Now you know why they call that mustard 'Poupon.'"
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