Humor is the best of all of God's medicines he built in to each of us. |
Humor is the best of all of God's medicines he built in to each of us. |
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Hello everyone,
In this issue you will find a lot of links to some pretty cool websites. You may want to bookmark this page now so you can come back to it often.
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 THINGS DOGS MUST REMEMBER |
| I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet. |
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The Three-Legged Chicken
Bernard was driving along a country road when and realized he had to make a phone call. He was miles from a pay phone so he decided to stop in at the next farmhouse he found. As he was approaching a house he noticed a three-legged chicken racing along the road. He followed the chicken and clocked it at 40 m.p.h.
Well, when Bernie got to the farmhouse he asked the farmer about this wonderful chicken. The farmer replied, "Well now, when I was at the college I took up a studyin' at there gee-netics. 'Round here we love chicken and we're all mighty partial to the drumstick, so I thought I'd see if I could make me a three-legged chicken. So, there 'tis."
Now Bernie was quite impressed. He asked, "How does it taste?"
The farmer replied, "Well, that's the durndest thing. Ah don't know. Ain't none of us been able to ketch one a the varmits yet."
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Don't forget to check out the KEEP SMILING SWEEPSTAKES PAGE! There has been new contests added and some that are coming up on the deadlines so enter them today!
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A man had a problem sleeping at night, and thought it may be
his conscience troubling him. He knew that he had been less than honest when
filling in his tax return, and maybe that was the trouble.
So he sent a check to the Taxation Department with a note that said:
"Dear Sir, I have not filled in all my income for which I should have paid tax. Therefore, here is my check for $100.00
- AND IF MY CONSCIENCE STILL TROUBLES ME,
I WILL SEND YOU THE REST."
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FREE OFFERS
Sit back, relax and shop around. OffersPage.com is fast and convenient. If
you like an offer, grab it and put it in your cart. You don't have to fill
out any forms. Simply check-out and you'll be receiving your free products
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| THINGS DOGS MUST REMEMBER |
| The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff. |
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Movie and TV Sounds Clips Trivia Quiz
Words That Make You Go "Hmmmm"
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A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo.
Knowing that he could hop pretty high, the zoo officials put up a ten-foot fence. However, the next morning the kangaroo was out again, just roaming around the zoo.
The zoo officials raised the height of the fence to twenty feet. Again, however, the next morning the kangaroo was again roaming around the zoo.
This kept on, night after night, until the fence was sixty feet high. Finally, the camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, "How high do you think they'll go?"
The kangaroo replied, "Probably a hundred feet, unless somebody starts locking the gate at night!"
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Care to win $10.000 from the Internet ?
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| I will not roll my toys behind the fridge. |
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What did you do all day?
One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house.
His three children were outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard. The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house.
Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.
He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she may be ill, or that something serious had happened. He found her lounging in the bedroom, still curled in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.
He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?" She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and ask me what in the world did I do today?" "Yes" was his incredulous reply. She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."
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| THINGS DOGS MUST REMEMBER |
| I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc. |
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Lilly Family Fun with music and animated graphics
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| THINGS DOGS MUST REMEMBER |
| I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to throw up. |
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Hey Mom!
Enter
the High Powered Kids Contest
for a chance to win $10,000!
The California Prune Board is looking for exceptional kids between the ages of 5-12 who use their high energy to do positive things for their community.
Submit a one-page description telling us why your child deserves to
be named a
“Power Kid.”
DEADLINE
FOR ENTRY IS FEBRUARY 28, 2000.
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| THINGS DOGS MUST REMEMBER |
| "Kitty box crunchies" are not food. |
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Show me a sign!
An overweight business associate of mine decided it was timeto shed some excess pounds. He took his new diet seriously, even changing his driving route to avoid his favorite bakery. One morning, however, he arrived at work carrying a gigantic coffeecake. We all scolded him, but his smile remained cherubic.
"This is a very special coffeecake," he explained. " I accidentally drove by the bakery this morning and there in the window were a host of goodies. I felt this was no accident, so I prayed, 'Lord, if you want me to have one of those delicious coffeecakes, let me have a parking place directly in front of the bakery.'"
"And sure enough," he continued, "the eighth time around the block, there it was!"
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| THINGS DOGS MUST REMEMBER |
| When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside. |
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| Loading, loading, loading, Darn this Java coding, Feeling of foreboding, Reload!
The Applet says it's running,
Tighten, tweakin', smoothen,
The applet says it's running, (Midi solo)
beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep,
Netscape crash, Boot 'em up! |
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Speeding
A woman was driving down the highway about 75 miles an hour, when she noticed a motorcycle policeman following her. Instead of slowing down, she picked up speed. When she looked back again, their were two motorcycles following her. She shot up to 90 miles. The next time she looked around, there were three cops following her.
Suddenly, she spotted a gas station looming ahead. She screeched to a stop and ran into the ladies' room. Ten minutes later, she innocently walked out.
The three cops were standing there waiting for her.
Without batting an eye, she said coyly, "I'll bet none of you thought I would make it."
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| THINGS DOGS MUST REMEMBER |
| The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom & Dad's laps. |
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Both "Wonderful!" And "Marvelous!"
A rich man went to his vicar and said, "I want you and your wife to take a three month trip to the Holy Land at my expense. When you come back, I'll have a surprise for you".
The vicar accepted the offer and he and his wife went off to the Middle East.
Three months later they returned home and were met by the wealthy parishioner, who told them while they were gone, he had had a new church built. "It's the finest building money can buy, vicar," said the man, "No expense was spared." He was right - it was a magnificent edifice both outside and in.
But there was one striking difference. There was only one pew and it was at the very back. "A church with only one pew?" asked the vicar.
"You just wait until Sunday." said the rich man.
When the time came for the Sunday service, the early arrivals entered the church, filed onto the one pew and sat down. When the pew was full, a switch clicked silently, a circuit closed, the gears meshed, a belt moved and, automatically, the rear pew began to move forward. When it reach the front of the church it came to a stop. At the same time, another empty pew came up from below at the back and more people sat down. And so it continued, pews filling and moving forwards until finally the church was full, from front to back.
"Wonderful!" said the vicar, "Marvelous!"
The service began, and the vicar started to preach his sermon. He launched into his text and, when 12 o'clock came, he was still going strong with no end in sight. Suddenly a bell rang and a trap door in the floor behind the pulpit dropped open.
"Wonderful!" said the congregation, "Marvelous!"
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| THINGS DOGS MUST REMEMBER |
| We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV. |
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When you hear the toilet flush and immediately afterwards, the words, "Uh-oh". . .
...it is already too late.
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Wife after returning from fishing trip with husband to neighbor:
"I did everything all wrong again today
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I talked too much and too loud.
I used the wrong bait.
I reeled in too soon
and
I caught more than he did."
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Do you have your Smiley Mug?
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In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed
through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:
On a Sears hairdryer:
"Do not use while sleeping."
On a bag of Fritos:
"You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
On a bar of Dial soap:
"Directions: Use like regular soap."
On some Swann frozen
dinners:
"Serving suggestion: Defrost."
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert
(printed on bottom of box):
"Do not turn upside down."
On Marks & Spencer Bread
Pudding:
"Product will be hot after heating."
On packaging for a Rowenta
iron:
"Do not iron clothes on body."
On Boot's Children's Cough
Medicine:
"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
On Nytol Sleep Aid:
"Warning: May cause drowsiness."
On most brands of Christmas
lights:
"For indoor or outdoor use only."
On a Japanese food
processor:
"Not to be used for the other use."
On Sainsbury's peanuts:
"Warning: contains nuts."
On an American Airlines packet of
nuts:
"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
On a child's Superman
costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
On a Swedish chain saw:
"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
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Hey
do this now !
The deadline for both of these contests is
February 12,
2000
You MUST Enter Before the
Deadline!
Enter to win a free trip for two to Cancun,
Mexico.
This trip is valued at two thousand dollars.
Enter to win a new portable MP3 player
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| My head does not belong in the refrigerator. |
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The Tele-evangelist
There was a tele-evangelist named Mark Shelley and during a recent appearance the following took place:
Mark:"I want to heal some people today!I need some people to heal! "Please come up on stage if you need healing" A short time later Mike hobbled up to the stage on crutches and behind him came Bob.
Mark shouted, "Halleluiah we have some healing to do today"
Mark asked Mike his name and what was wrong with him. Mike replied that he no feeling in his leg and that he had not been able to walk without his crutches for twelve years. Mark then asked Bob the same question.
Bob replied:"M-M-MM-MY n-n-name i-is B-B-B-Bob".
Mark said "That's enough Bobby boy, I think we know your problem. We will fix your stuttering today son." Mark then massaged the two men vigorously while singing praises to the lord. Mark then ushered the two men behind a curtain, all the while singing and chanting and praying to GOD ALMIGHTY.
By this time the audience were in a frenzy and Mark had to scream for them to be silent
The audience were now silent and they waited eagerly for Mark to perform his magic.Then in a confident, authoritative voice Mark yelled: "Mike throw out your crutches."
Mike's crutches came flying over the curtain and the audience clapped and cheered in excitement.
Then Mark commanded Bob to speak and the audience waited in anticipation. He did not speak so Mark again ordered Bob to say something. Then in a loud voice Bob replied:
"M-M-M-M-MIKES F-FALLEN O-O-OVER!!!!
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| THINGS DOGS MUST REMEMBER |
| I will not wake Mommy up by sticking my cold, wet nose up her bottom end. |
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A COUPON? Get 100s, FREE!
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| THINGS DOGS MUST REMEMBER |
| The diaper pail is not a cookie jar. |
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.The Trainee
A real-estate agent was driving around with a new trainee when she spotted a charming little farmhouse with a hand-lettered "For Sale" sign out front.
After briskly introducing herself and her associate to the startled occupant, the agent cruised from room to room, opening closets and cupboards, testing faucets and pointing out where a "new light fixture here and a little paint there" would help. Pleased with her assertiveness, the woman was hopeful that the owner would offer her the listing.
"Ma'am," the man said, "I appreciate the home-improvement tips and all, but I think you read my sign wrong. It says, "HORSE for sale."
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