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Issue #141 |
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Issue #141 |
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Hello everyone,
Over the past several years LADY BUMPE@aol.com has been putting out her own e-zine. Keep Smiling and LADY BUMPE has shared lots of material, She has put many a smile on the Keep Smiling members faces as Keep Smiling has also done for her readers. We have developed a very heathy relationship between online editors.
Recently LADY BUMPE has lost her sister that she was very close to and she has expressed this emotion through her own ezine and I would like to take this opportunity to offer this link as a tribute to her sister and to LADY BUMPE.... please take a moment to visit
In Memory of Jane Squibb Prest
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A rabbi, a priest and a pastor were all in a boat together fishing.
The pastor said to the others, "I think I am going to go over to that shore and sit down." So, he gets out of the boat, walks across the water and sits down on the shore.
Then, the priest says to the rabbi, "I think I going to go over there to join him." So, he does the same as the pastor and sits next to him on the shore.
The rabbi thinks to himself, "Well, if they can do it, so can I!" So, he climbs out of the boat, but he falls in the water.
The pastor says to the priest, "Do you think we should of told him where the rocks were?"
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People are like tea bags. . .
. . .you have to put them in hot water before you can find out just how strong they are.
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Microsoft Monopoly - New From Parker Brothers
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Philosophy of Life
Life is an endless struggle, full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hair stylist you like.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
Time may be a great healer but it's also a lousy beautician.
Brain cells come and go but fat cells live forever.
Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.
You don't stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old because you stop laughing.
It is bad to suppress laughter; it goes back down and spreads to your hips.
Age is important only if you're cheese and wine.
The only time a woman wishes that she were a year older is when she is expecting a baby.
Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but he/she can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake.
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Queston: What does a hound dog and a Harley have in comon?
Answer: They both like to ride in the back of pick up trucks
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Slots, Poker, hundreds of contests and more.
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Unity
I dreamed I stood in a studio
And watched two sculptors there,
The clay they used was a young child's mind
And they fashioned it with care.
One was a teacher; the tools she used
were books and music and art;
One was a parent with a guiding hand
and a gentle loving heart.
And when at last their work was done
They were proud of what they had wrought
For the things they had worked into the child
Could never be sold or bought.
And each agreed she would have failed
if she had worked alone
For behind the parent stood the school,
and behind the teacher stood the home.
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A Lesson To Be Learned
There once was a little boy who had a bad temper. His Father gave him a bag of nails and told him that every time he lost his temper he must hammer a nail into the back of the fence. The first day the boy had driven 37 nails into the fence. Over the next few weeks, as he learned to control his anger, the number of nails hammered daily gradually dwindled down. He discovered it was easier to hold his temper than to drive those nails into the fence....
Finally the day came when the boy didn't lose his temper at all. He told his father about it and the father suggested that the boy now pull out one nail for each day that he was able to hold his temper. The day passed and the young boy was finally able to tell his father that all the nails were gone.
The Father took his son by the hand and led him to the fence. He said, "You have done well, my son, but look at the holes in the fence.
The fence will never be the same. When you say things in anger, they leave a scar just like this one. You can put a knife in a man and draw it out.
It won't matter how many times you say I'm sorry, the wound is still there."
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Ol Rufus and Clarence
There were two old geezers living in the backwoods of the Ozarks....Rufus and Clarence. They lived on opposite sides of the river and they hated each other. Every morning, just after sun-up, Rufus and Clarence would go down to their respective sides of the river and yell at each other.
"Rufus!!" Clarence would shout. "You better thank your lucky stars that I cain't swim....er I'd swim this river and whup your butt!!"
"Clarence!!!" Rufus would holler back. "You better thank YOUR luck stars that I cain't swim...er I'd swim this river and whup your skinny butt!!!"
Every morning. Every day. Twenty years.
One day the Army Corps of Engineers come along. Builds a bridge.
Still. Every morning. Every day. Another five years.
Finally....Mrs. Rufus has had enough. "Rufus!" she squallers one day. "I cain't take no more!! Every day for 25 years you've been threatenin' to whup Clarence. Well, there's the bridge......have at it."
Rufus thought for a moment. Chewed his bottom lip for another moment.
"Woman!" he declared, snapping his suspenders into place. "I'm gonna whup Clarence's butt!!!"
He walked out the door, down to the river, along the riverbank, came to the bridge, stepped up onto the bridge, walked about halfway over the bridge, looked up.....
....TURNED TAIL AND RAN, RAN SCREAMING BACK TO THE HOUSE, SLAMMED THE DOOR, BOLTED THE WINDOWS, GRABBED THE SHOTGUN AND DIVED PANTING AND GASPING UNDER THE BED!!!!!
"Rufus!" cried the missus. "I thought you was gonna whup Clarence's butt!!!"
"I was, woman, I was!!" he whispered.
"Rufus! cried the missus. "What in tarnation is the matter?"
"Well," muttered the terror-stricken Rufus, " I went to the bridge......I stepped up on the bridge.....walked halfway over the bridge....looked up....."
"And?" asked Mrs. Rufus, breathless with suspense.
"And," continued Clarence, "I saw a sign that said "Clearance, 13 feet, 6 inches".........he ain't never looked that big from the other side of the river!!!!!!!"
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Study Time
Two college seniors had a week of exams coming up. However, they decided to go to a party instead and they didn't get any studying done.
When they went to the test, they decided to tell the professor that their car had broken down the night before due to a flat tire and they needed a bit more time to study.
The professor told them that they could have another day to study.
That evening, both of the boys crammed all night until they were sure that they knew just about everything.
Arriving to class the next morning, each boy was told to go to separate classrooms to take the exam. Each shrugged and went to two different parts of the building.
As each sat down, they read the first question. "For 5 points, explain the contents of an atom."
At this point, they both thought that this was going to be a piece of cake, and answered the question with ease.
Then, the test continued...
"For 95 points, tell me which tire it was."
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Valley Bible Church at the Crossing
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Why do these strange things always happen to *me*?
I stopped by Rich's on my way home. Basically, just to look around and find an excuse to spend the gift certificate that Joyce gave me for Christmas...
Eventually, I found myself in Eddie Bauer's store, pretty much just browsing (that stuff is expensive). So, I'm looking at some shirts (did I ever tell you about the $14 pair of socks that I bought there, once? Best socks I've ever worn,,,) when I heard someone behind me say, "John?"
I looked back over my shoulder to see a woman staring at me.
"John?" she says again.
I turned around and said, "No. Jim."
"Oh," she said. "I'm sorry. It's just that you looked just like my son, John."
I just kind of smiled and continued my browsing; she kept talking. "I lost my son, John, in a car accident last year. The car was destroyed and they never found the body. But I just know he'll come back to me. Won't he?"
Well, I was getting a bit freaked out, here, but smiled at her and told her that I was sure that he would. Then, she asked me to do her a favor.
"I'm picking out some clothes for John so he will have clean, new ones to wear when he returns to me. You look to be about his size. Could you do me a huge favor and try some on for me; so I can see that they'll fit?"
I felt really badly for this woman, who was clearly delusional and I didn't have anything better to do, so, I said OK. I took some shirts and a few pairs of pants and went into the dressing room. I put on one of the pants and one shirt and went out to show her. When she saw me, she was almost in tears.
"You look just like John. Are you sure you're not?"
"Yeah, I'm pretty sure."
"Would you like to come with me and see some pictures of John? He was such a handsome man."
That kinda shook me. "Uhh, look," I said. "I'm happy to help you out, but I really need to be going, soon. I have to work tonight. Lemme go change and give these clothes back to you. I really need to finish my own shopping. I hope John comes home soon."
She was understanding and sniffed back some tears. "Could you just do one more thing for me, though, please?"
At this point, I just wanted her to go away. "OK," I said. "What?"
"When I leave, could you just say, 'Bye Mom' just like John used to do?"
Seemed harmless enough. "Sure," I said. Then she gathered her things and went to pay for them. As she left the store, she waved back and said, "Bye, John!" I waved and said, "Bye, Mom!"
Then I finished looking and took a shirt that I liked up to the register to pay for it. The cashier told me the total was $398.76! I said, "WHAT?!?!?"
"Oh, your Mom said that you were going to pick up the tab."
That did it. I ran out of the store, looked around and saw her down the mall. So I took off. I ran as fast as I could, pushing people out of my way to get to her. I looked back and saw Mall Security Personnel running after me. She looked back and saw me running after her, and she began to run also. She ran outside into the parking garage. I was, maybe, 10 steps behind her at this point and gaining -- after all, she was still carrying the clothes that the store expected me to pay for. After fumbling with her keys, she finally grabbed the door handle and yanked the door open, threw the stuff into the car and started to climb in.
Luckily, I was close enough to leap for her and grab her leg just as she was pulling it into the car. She tried to escape, but I held fast. Mall Security grabbed my leg and began to pull. So I was standing there, pulling her leg, Mall Security was pulling mine...
...just like I'm pulling yours.
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IShouldBeWorking.com - cyberslacking fun including links to online games, jokes, bizarre stuff, contests, and other breaktim
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Forgetful
While on a car trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch.
After finishing their meal, the elderly woman left her glasses on the table, but she didn't miss them until they were back on the highway. By then, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around.
The elderly man fussed and complained all the way back to the restaurant. He called his wife every bad name he could think of.
When they finally arrived at the restaurant, as the woman got out of the car to retrieve her glasses, the man yelled to her, "While you're in there, you might as well get my hat, too."
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Painters
Two blondes were painting a room. The one working on the walls asked the one who was painting the ceiling, "Got a good grip on your brush?"
"Sure," came the reply.
"Well, hold on tight. I'm taking the ladder."
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The Supreme Interview
"Come in," God said. "So, you would like to interview Me?"
"If you have the time," I said.
God smiled and said: "My time is eternity and is enough to do everything; what questions do you have in mind to ask me?"
"What surprises you most about mankind?"
God answered: "That they get bored of being children, are in a a rush to grow up, and then long to be children again. That they lose their health to make money and then lose their money to restore their health. That by thinking anxiously about the future, they forget the present, such that they live neither for the present nor the future. That they live as if they will never die, and they die as if they had never lived..."
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The History of Medicine
2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root
1000 A.D. - That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer.
1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion.
1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.
1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.
2000 A.D. - That antibiotic doesn't work anymore. Here, eat this root.
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Why I'm overworked
For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked.
The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work.
Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.
Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.
And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes.
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