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If we had no winter, the spring would not be so pleasant.
-- Anne Bradstreet
This Will Make You Feel Old
Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the faculty a sense of the mindset of that years incoming freshmen.
Here is this year's list:
The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1982.
They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan Era and probably did not know he had ever been shot.
They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged.
Black Monday 1987 is as significant to them as the Great Depression.
There has been only one Pope.
They were 11 when the Soviet Union broke apart and do not remember the Cold War.
They have never feared a nuclear war.
They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.
Tianamen Square means nothing to them.
Their lifetime has always included AIDS.
Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.
Atari predates them, as do vinyl albums.
The expression you sound like a broken record means nothing to them.
They have never owned a record player.
They have likely never played Pac Man and have never heard of Ping-Pong.
They may have never heard of an 8 track.
The Compact Disc was introduced when they were 1 year old.
As far as they know, stamps have always cost about 33 cents.
They have always had an answering machine.
Most have never seen a TV set with only 13 channels, nor have they seen a black-and-white TV.
They have always had cable.
There has always been VCRs, but they have no idea what BETA is.
They cannot fathom not having a remote control.
They were born the year that Walkmen were introduced by Sony.
Roller-skating has always meant inline for them.
Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.
They have no idea when or why Jordache jeans were cool.
Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.
They have never seen Larry Bird play.
They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
The Vietnam War is as ancient history to them as WWI, WWII and the Civil War.
They have no idea that Americans were ever held hostage in Iran.
They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.
They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.
They never heard: "Where's the beef?," or " I'd walked a mile for a
Camel," or "De plane, de plane."
They do not care who shot J.R. and have no idea who J. R. is.
The Titanic was found? They thought we always knew where it was.
Michael Jackson has always been white.
Kansas, Chicago, Boston, America, and Alabama are places, not groups.
McDonalds never came in Styrofoam containers.
There has always been MTV.
They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.
Smart Idea !
I decided to stop worrying about my teenage daughter's driving and take advantage of it. I got one of those bumper stickers that say "How's my driving?" and put a 900 number on it. At 50 cents a call, I've been making $38 a week.
Deep thoughts from George Carlin
1. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
2. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
3. How is it possible to have a civil war?
5. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
6. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
7. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
8. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?
9. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?
10. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
11. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
12. Where are we going? And what's with this hand basket?
13. If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff?
14. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
15. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
16. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
17. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
18. If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
19. Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
20. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
21. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become disoriented?
God Please Bless My Computer
Every night I lie in bed, this little prayer inside my head
God bless my Mom and dad and bless my children
And take care of my spouse, who brings me so much joy...
God, there's just one more thing, I wish that you would do
If you don't mind my asking, to bless my 'puter, too?
Now I know that it's not normal, to bless a small machine
But listen just a second, and I'll try to explain...
You see, that little metal box holds more than odds and ends
Inside those small components, rest a hundred loving friends.
Some it's true I've never seen, and most I've never met...
Never shaken hands or ever truly hugged, and yet...
I know for sure they love me, by the kindness they give,
And this little scrap of metal is how I get to where they live.
By faith is how I know them, much the same as I know You.
I share in life it brings them, so if it's OK with you...
Just take an extra minute, from your duties up above...
To bless this little hunk of steel, that's filled with so much love.
So God, Please Bless My
'Puter..FREE ART TEST!
Click on the pictures
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Sign the Charles Shultz |
Mother Knows Best
A man answers the phone and has the following conversation: "Yes, mother, I've had a hard day. Mary-Louise has been quite difficult... Yes, I know I ought to be more firm, but it is hard. Well, you know how she is.
Yes, I remember you warned me. I remember you told me that she was a vile creature who would make my life miserable and you begged me not to marry her.
You were perfectly right.
You want to speak with her? All right."
He looks up from the telephone and calls to his wife in the next room:
"Mary-Louise, your mother wants to talk to you!"
A Load Off My Mind
A clergyman, walking down a country lane, sees a young farmer struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off.
"You look hot, my son," said the cleric. "Why don't you rest a moment, and I'll give you a hand."
"No thanks," said the young man. "My father wouldn't like it."
"Don't be silly," the minister said. "Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water."
Again the young man protested that his father would be upset. Losing his patience, the clergyman said, "Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and I'll give him a piece of my mind!"
"Well," replied the young farmer, "he's under the load of hay."
Y5B - The Year 5 Billion Problem
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First Wedding Anniversary
A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decides to buy her a cell phone.
She is all excited, she loves her phone. He shows her and explains to her all the features on the phone.
The next day the blonde goes shopping. Her phone rings and it's her husband, "Hi hun ", he says "how do you like your new phone?", she replies :"I just love it, it's so small and your voice is clear as a bell but there's one thing I don't understand though".
"What's that, baby?", asks the husband.
"How did you know I was at Wal Mart?"
Stupid Signs
Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, "I'm Stupid." That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them anything. It would be like, "Excuse me...oops, never mind. I didn't see your sign."
It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My friend comes over and says "Hey, you moving?" "Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign."
A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big 'ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, "Hey, y'all catch all them fish?" "Nope -Talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign."
I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one way to test it. "Alright Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good... They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you." "Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don't wanna lose it."
Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, "Tire go flat?" I couldn't resist. said, "Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign."
We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over to the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then says, "Darn that's hot!" See? If he'd been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.
I learned to drive an 18 wheeler in my days of adventure. Wouldn't ya know I misjudged the height of a bridge. The truck got stuck and I couldn't get it out no matter how I tried. I radioed in for help and eventually a local cop shows up to take the report. He went through his basic questioning..ok..no problem. I thought sure he was clear of needing a sign...until he asked "So..is your truck stuck?" I couldn't help myself! I looked at him, looked back at the rig and then back to him and said "No, I'm delivering a bridge...here's your sign."
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DUH?
Police in Wheeling, IL, accused a Wal-Mart cashier of buying merchandise at the store using credit-card numbers she had copied from customers. Investigators admitted the cashier had made their job easier. She identified herself on the fraudulent receipts to make sure she got her employee discount.
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Jewish Fathers
A Jewish father was concerned about his son who was about a year away from his Bar Mitzvah, but was sorely lacking in his knowledge of the Jewish faith. To remedy this, he sent his son to Israel to experience his heritage. A year later the young man returned home "Father, thank you for sending me to the land of our fathers," the son said. "It was wonderful and enlightening; however, I must confess that while in Israel I converted to Christianity."
"Oi vey," replied the father, "what have I done?" So, in the tradition of the patriarchs, he went to his best friend and sought his advice and solace.
"It is amazing that you should come to me," stated his friend. "I, too, sent my son to Israel and he returned a Christian."
So in the tradition of the patriarchs, they went to the Rabbi. "It is amazing that you should come to me," stated the Rabbi. "I, too, sent my son to Israel and he returned a Christian. What is happening to our sons? Brothers, we must take this to the Lord," said the Rabbi.
They fell to their knees and began to wail and pour our their hearts to the Almighty. As they prayed, the clouds above opened and a mighty voice said, "Amazing that you should come to me. I, too, sent my Son to Israel...."
The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it.
-- Dudley Moore
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