Issue #135
|
|
|
|
 NOTICE TO ALL KEEP SMILING
EMPLOYEES
Subject: Office conduct during the Christmas season
Effective immediately, employees should keep in mind the following guidelines in compliance with FROLIC (the Federal Revelry Office and Leisure Industry Council).
1. Running aluminum foil through the paper shredder to make tinsel is discouraged.
2. Playing Jingle Bells on the push-button phone is forbidden.(it runs up an incredible long distance phone bill)
3. Work requests are not to be filed under "Bah humbug."
4. Company cars are not to be used to go over the river and through the woods to Grandma's house.
5. All fruitcake is to be eaten BEFORE July 25.
6. Eggnog will NOT be dispensed in vending machines.
In spite of all this, the staff is encouraged to have a Happy Holiday.
. . . .
. . .ZingViewer - Install Now - It's Free! . Your Images Come ALIVE! Turn your pictures into an interactive screensaver, wallpaper, or use them while you surf the web. Use your own images or choose from thousands - Extreme Sports, Celebrities, Jokes, and more. New images daily.
Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Let It Snow! . . Santa's a Woman I think Santa Claus is a woman. I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing,:social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it :all off! For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the:shelves. On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag. Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped on the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist. Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions. :Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man: Men can't pack a bag. Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet. Men would feel their masculinity is threatened...having to be seen with all those elves. Men don't answer their mail. Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described, even in jest, as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly." Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them. Having to do the "Ho Ho Ho " thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women. Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment. I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men: Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous. Definite guy. Cupid flies around carrying weapons. Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers. Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test. But not St. Nick. Not a chance!
. . At Grandma's House Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs, "I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE. I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO. I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR..." His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf." To which the little brother replied, "No, but Gramma is!"
.
. .
The Night Before Christmas for Moms It was the night before Christmas, when all thru the abode Only one creature was stirring, and she was cleaning the commode. . The children were finally sleeping, all snug in their beds, While visions of Nintendo 64 and Barbie, flipped through their heads. . The dad was snoring in front of the TV, With a half-constructed bicycle on his knee. So only the mom heard the reindeer hooves clatter, Which made her sigh, "Now what's the matter?" . With toilet bowl brush still clutched in her hand, She descended the stairs, and saw the old man. He was covered with ashes and soot, which fell with a shrug. "Oh great," muttered the mom, "Now I have to clean the rug." . "Ho-ho-ho!" cried Santa, "I'm glad you're awake." "Your gift was especially difficult to make." "Thanks, Santa, but all I want is some time alone." "Exactly!" he chuckled, "I've made you a clone." . "A clone?" she asked, "What good is that? Run along, Santa, I've no time for chit-chat." The mother's twin. Same hair, same eyes, She'll cook, she'll dust. She also is wise. . She'll mop every mess with a wink and a snap You can watch the soaps & perhaps take a nap "My dream come true! "I'll read., I'll shop! I'll talk on the phone & never stop. . From the room above, the youngest began to fret. "Mommy?! I'm scared, I'm cold and I 'm wet." The clone replied, "I'm coming, sweetheart." "Hey," the mom smiled, "She knows her part." . The clone changed the small one, and hummed a tune, as she bundled the child, in a blanket cocoon. "You the best mommy ever. I really love you." The clone smiled and sighed, "I love you, too." . The mom frowned and said, "Sorry, Santa, no deal." That's my child's love, she's trying to steal." Smiling wisely Santa said, "To me it is clear, " Only one loving mother, is needed here." . The mom kissed her child, and tucked her into bed. "Thank you, Santa, for clearing my head. I sometimes forget, it won't be very long, When they'll be too old, for my cradle-song." . The clock on the mantle began to chime. Santa whispered to the clone, "It works every time." With the clone by his side Santa said, "Goodnight. Merry Christmas, Mom, You'll be all right." ..
. . .
Dear Santa: I've been a good mom all year. I've fed, cleaned, and cuddled my two children on demand, visited the doctor's office more than my doctor, sold sixty-two cases of candy bars to raise money to plant a shade tree on the school playground and figured out how to attach nine patches onto my daughter's girl scout sash with staples and a glue gun. I was hoping you could spread my list out over several Christmases, since I had to write this letter with my son's red crayon, on the back of a receipt in the laundry room between cycles, and who knows when I'll find anymore free time in the next 18 years. Here are my Christmas wishes: .I'd like a pair of legs that don't ache after a day of chasing kids (in any color, except purple, which I already have) and arms that don't flap in the breeze, but are strong enough to carry a screaming toddler out of the candy aisle in the grocery store. I'd also like a waist, since I lost mine somewhere in the seventh month of my last pregnancy and haven't been able to find it since. If you're hauling big ticket items this year I'd like a car with fingerprint resistant windows and a radio that only plays adult music: a television that doesn't broadcast any programs containing talking animals; with a secret compartment behind the crisper where I can hide to talk on the phone. On the practical side, I could use a talking daughter doll that says, "Yes, Mommy" to boost my parental confidence, along with one potty-trained toddler, two kids who don't fight, and three pairs of jeans that will zip all the way up without the use of power tools. I could also use a recording of Tibetan monks chanting, "Don't eat in the living room" and "Take your hands off your brother" because my voice seems to be just out of my children's hearing range and can only be heard by the dog. And please don't forget the Playdoh Travel Pack, the hottest stocking stuffer this year for mothers of preschoolers. It comes in three fluorescent colors and is guaranteed to crumble on any carpet making the In-laws' house seem just like mine. If it's too late to find any of these products, I'd settle for enough time to brush my teeth and comb my hair in the same morning, or the luxury of eating food warmer than room temperature without it being served in a Styrofoam container. If you don't mind I could also use a few Christmas miracles to brighten the holiday season. Would it be too much trouble to declare ketchup a vegetable? It will clear my conscience immensely. It would be helpful if you could coerce my children to help around the house without demanding payment as if they were the bosses of an organized crime family; or if my toddler didn't look so cute sneaking downstairs to eat contraband ice cream in his pajamas at midnight. Well, Santa, the buzzer on the dryer is ringing and my son saw my feet under the laundry room door. I think he wants his crayon back. Have a safe trip and remember to leave your wet boots by the chimney and come in and dry off by the fire so you don't catch cold. Help yourself to cookies on the table, but don't eat too many or leave crumbs on the carpet. . Yours Always . . .Mom . PS: One more thing...you can cancel all my requests if you can keep my children young enough to believe in Santa .
You've been caught beneath the mistletoe! .. .
PRINT COUPONS FROM YOUR OWN COMPUTER! Save hundreds of dollars at your favorite stores. Click HERE to enroll now in CoolSavings -- it's fast, free, and your privacy is guaranteed. Clip here NOW and save today!
It's the day before Christmas And all through the house The puppies are squeaking An old rubber mouse. The wreath which had merrily Hung on the door Is scattered in pieces All over the floor. . The stockings that hung In a neat little row Now boast a hole in Each one of the toes. . The tree was subjected To bright-eyed whims, And now, although splendid, It's missing some limbs. . I catch them and hold them. "Be good", I insist. They lick me, then run off To see what they've missed. And now as I watch them The thought comes to me, That theirs is the spirit That Christmas should be. . Should children and puppies Yet show us the way, And teach us the joy That should come with this day? . Could they bring the message That's written above, And tell us that, most of all Christmas is love . .
. .
. ..
.
After the party Two high powered executives, Gary and Bill staggered out of their company Christmas party in New York City. Bill started crossing the street, while Gary accidentally stumbled into a subway entrance.
When Bill reached the other side he turned to notice Gary emerging from the subway stairs.
"Where've you been?" Bill slurred.
"I don't know" replied Gary "but you should see the train set that guy has in his basement".
. ..
. . Look up! Look up! An exceedingly rare occurrence coming your way. Hope for a clear sky on the night of the winter solstice, December 22. This night, we will have a full moon that will be brighter and bigger for the first time in 133 years. This first day of winter will bring a full moon in conjunction with a lunar perigee (point in the moon's orbit that is closest to Earth) Therefore the moon will appear about 14% larger than it does at apogee, the point in its elliptical orbit that is farthest from the Earth. Since the Earth is also several million miles closer to the sun at this time of the year, sunlight striking the moon is about 7% stronger, hence brighter. It so happens that this will be the closest perigee of the moon of the year since the moon's orbit is constantly deforming. If the weather is clear and there is a snow cover where you live, it is believed that even car headlights will be superfluous. On December 21, 1866, the Lakota Sioux took advantage of this combination of occurrences to stage a devastating retaliatory ambush on soldiers in the Wyoming Territory. In laymen's terms it will be a super bright full moon, much more than the usual, AND it hasn't happened this way for 133 years! Our ancestors 133 years ago saw this. Our descendants 100 or so years from now will see this again. I hope someone else might find this interesting!Again, watch for it December 22, 1999. . . Local Shopping. Search Local Sales. Find out what's on sale near you. ShoppingList.com lists all the local sales. . . Twas the night before Christmas and all round my hips were Fannie May candies that sneaked past my lips. Fudge brownies were stored in the freezer with care In hopes that my thighs would forget they were there.
While Mama in her my girdle and I in chin straps Had just settled down to sugar-borne naps. When out in the pantry there arose such a clatter I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the kitchen I flew like a flash Tore open the icebox then threw up the sash. The marshmallow look of the new-fallen snow Sent thoughts of a binge to my body below.
When what to my wandering eyes should appear: A marzipan Santa with eight chocolate reindeer! That huge chunk of candy so luscious and slick I knew in a second that I'd wind up sick.
The sweet-coated santa, those sugared reindeer I closed my eyes tightly but still I could hear; On Pritzker, on Stillman, on weak one, on TOPS A Weight Watcher dropout from sugar detox.
From the top of the scales to the top of the hall Now dash away pounds now dash away all. Dressed up in Lane Bryant from my head to nightdress My clothes were all bulging from too much excess.
My droll little mouth and my round little belly They shook when I laughed like a bowl full of jelly. I spoke not a word but went straight to my work Ate all of the candy then turned with a jerk.
And laying a finger beside my heartburn gave a quick nod toward the bedroom I turned. I eased into bed, to the heavens I cry If temptation's removed I'll get thin by and by.
And I mumbled again as I turned for the night In the morning I'll starve... 'til I take that first bite! |
..
FREE Birthday, Anniversary and other event reminders. Click now to win $5000!
You can find about anything you want on the web when you use
There is a lot more Keep Smiling that can be found by clicking on the links below
Keep Smiling Directory | Past Issues
