Issue #134 |
|
this issue ofthe KEEP SMILING newsletter is late due to many computer problems in theKeep Smiling computer system. Seems like there are some people out there that think Computer viruses are funny. A virus called PE_CIH got past my virus detectors and did quite a bit of damage. In an effort to recover from this loss I am asking everyone to sign up for this program ....it is Free to you and FamilyPoint will pay KEEP SMILING for every sign up they receive. Please sign up now ! . . . .
. .
Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses . .
. .
It's the day before Christmas And all through the house The puppies are squeaking An old rubber mouse.
The wreath which had merrily Hung on the door Is scattered in pieces All over the floor.
The stockings that hung In a neat little row Now boast a hole in Each one of the toes.
The tree was subjected To bright-eyed whims, And now, although splendid, It's missing some limbs.
I catch them and hold them. "Be good", I insist. They lick me, then run off To see what they've missed. And now as I watch them The thought comes to me, That theirs is the spirit That Christmas should be.
Should children and puppies Yet show us the way, And teach us the joy That should come with this day?
Could they bring the message That's written above, And tell us that, most of all Christmas is love
. . Not Just for Kids! Lots of Christmas Fun . . .
. . . . The Night before Christmas for MOMs IT was the night before Christmas, when all thru the abode only one creature was stirring, and she was cleaning the commode. The children were finally sleeping, all snug in their beds, while visions of Nintendo and Barbie, flipped through their heads. The dad was snoring in front of the TV, with a half-constructed bicycle on his knee. So only the mom heard the reindeer hooves clatter, which made her sigh, "Now what's the matter?" With toilet bowl brush still clutched in her hand, she descended the stairs, and saw the old man. He was covered with ashes and soot, which fell with a shrug. "Oh great," muttered the mom, "Now I have to clean the rug." "Ho-ho-ho!" cried Santa, "I'm glad you're awake." "Your gift was especially difficult to make." "Thanks, Santa, but all I want is some time alone." "Exactly!" he chuckled, "I've made you a clone." "A clone?" she asked, "What good is that? Run along, Santa, I've no time for chit-chat." The mother's twin. Same hair, same eyes, same double chin. "She'll cook, she'll dust, " she'll mop every mess. You'll relax, take it easy, watch The Young & the Restless." "Fantastic!" the mom cheered. "My dream come true! "I'll shop. I'll read., I'll sleep a whole night through! " From the room above, the youngest began to fret. "Mommy?! I scared... and I 'm wet." The clone replied, "I'm coming, sweetheart." "Hey," the mom smiled, "She knows her part." The clone changed the small one, and hummed a tune, as she bundled the child, in a blanket cocoon. "You the best mommy ever. " I really love you." The clone smiled and sighed, "I love you, too." The mom frowned and said, "Sorry, Santa, no deal. " That's my child's love, she's trying to steal." Smiling wisely Santa said, "To me it is clear, " Only one loving mother, is needed here." The mom kissed her child, and tucked her into bed. "Thank you, Santa, " for clearing my head. I sometimes forget, it won't be very long, when they'll be too old, for my cradle-song." The clock on the mantle began to chime. Santa whispered to the clone, "It works every time." With the clone by his side Santa said, "Goodnight. Merry Christmas, Mom, You'll be all right." . .
. .
. .
Do you know what would have happened if it had been Three Wise Women instead of Three Wise Men? They would have asked directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole, and, brought practical gifts...... Of course! . .
MissingMoney.com - Check Monthly! . .
. .
. . Night Before Y2K Twas the night before Y2K, and all through the nation We awaited The Bug, the Millennium sensation.
The chips were replaced in computers with care, in hopes that ol' Bugsy wouldn't stop there.
While some folks could think they were snug in their beds Others had visions of dread in their heads.
And Ma with her PC and me with my Mac, Had just logged on the Net, and kicked back with a snack.
When over the server, there arose such a clatter I called Mister Gates to see what was the matter.
But he was away, so I flew like a flash Off to my bank to withdraw all my cash.
When what with my wondering eyes should I see? My good old Mac looked quite sick to me.
The hack of all hackers was looking so smug, I knew that it must be The Y2K Bug.
His image downloaded in no time at all, He whistled and shouted, let all systems fall!
Go Intel! Go Gateway! Now HP! Big Blue! Everything Compaq and Pentium too!
All processors big, all processors small, Crash away! Crash away! Crash away all!
As I drew in my breath and was turning around, Out through the modem, he came with a bound.
He was covered with fur, and slung on his back Was a sackful of viruses, set for attack.
His eyes - how they twinkled! His dimples - how merry! As midnight approached, things soon became scary.
He had a broad face and a round little belly, And his sack filled with virus quivered like jelly.
He was chubby and plump, perpetually grinning, And I laughed when I saw him though my hard drive stopped spinning.
A wink of his eye, and a twist of his head, Soon gave me to know a new feeling of dread.
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work, He changed all the clocks, then turned with a jerk.
With a twitch of his nose, and a quick little wink, All things electronic soon went on the blink.
He zoomed from my system, to the next folks on line, He caused such disruption, could this be a sign?
Then I heard him exclaim, with a loud, hearty cry, Happy New Year to all!! Kiss your PC goodbye!! . .
Typhoid Mary Pity poor Mary Mallon, a cook in the New York City area at the turn of the century. She meant no harm, but nevertheless managed to infect at least 51 people, possibly more, killing at least three with the dread disease that has forever been linked to her name. Mary herself was immune to Typhoid fever, but as a carrier her effectiveness was deadly. A 1904 epidemic on Long Island was traced to her, but she disappeared before she could be quarantined. Mary was caught in 1907 (again working as a cook) and was put in isolation. She was released three years later only after promising not to seek employment in a kitchen again. But a 1914 outbreak of Typhoid was traced to--you guessed it. This time she was held in isolation until her death from a stroke, in 1938, with her name living on in infamy.
You can get viruses from your friends! Usually during the Holiday season there are a lot of cool little programs that deal with Santa and elves and just about everthing about Christmas. People when they view a program they have a tendency to mail it to their friends right away. You should make sure your virus programs are updated! Click here to see a list of "Virus Protection from Google" Click here to see a list of "FREE Virus Protection from Google" Click here to download a "FREE Virus Encyclopedia" Click here for information on "Virus Hoaxes from Direct Hit" . .
. .
. .
. .
. . . .
Letter From Santa, I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan. As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies, so keep that in mind. However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us. Differences such as: 1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from BubbaClaus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."
2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.
3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.
4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Dartin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty."
5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I heer'd dat!"
6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back off". The last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh back as well. One is a Ford or Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters and the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee wee on the Tooth Fairy.
7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.
8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.
9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like "Rudolph The Red-nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town." This year songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM radio stations in the South. Those song title will be Mark Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox" and "Grandma Got Run'd Over by a Reindeer.
Sincerely Yours, Santa Clause Member of North American Fairies and Elves Local 209 . .
. . . . No Dogs Allowed There's a guy with a Doberman Pinscher and a guy with a Chihuahua out walking their dogs. The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to the guy with a Chihuahua, 'Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat.' The guy with the Chihuahua says, 'We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us.' The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, 'Just follow my lead.' They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk in. A guy at the door says, 'Sorry, mac, no pets allowed.' The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, 'You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.' The guy at the door says, 'A Doberman Pinscher?' He says, 'Yes, they're using them now, they're very good.' The guy at the door says, 'Come on in.' The guy with the Chihuahua figures, 'What the heck, so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in. The guy at the door says, 'Sorry, pal, no pets allowed.' The guy with the Chihuahua says, 'You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.' The guy at the door says, 'A Chihuahua?' The guy with the Chihuahua says, 'You mean they gave me a Chihuahua? . .
. .
. .
Makes Sense! One Saturday Johnny's dad was put in charge of babysitting his five-year-old son. His dad had "double duty" because he was also trying to fill out his income tax form.
As young children will do, Johnny kept interrupting his father, making it impossible for him to fill out his tax form. However, dad had raised his son's older siblings and knew that if he could engage his son in some purposeful activity, he could finish his taxes.
Johnny's dad looked through a magazine and found a picture of the world. He took a pair of scissors and cut it into lots of little pieces, then he gave his son the puzzle pieces and told him to put it together.
Impressed with his own resourcefulness, dad returned to his tax preparation. Five minutes later his son came skipping into the room again. "Daddy, daddy, come and see. I've put the puzzle together."
Surprised and somewhat irritated at such a short interval of peace and quiet, dad was astounded by Johnny's claim that he had completed the puzzle in such a short time. If it was true, surely his son must be a genius! He took his son's hand and went into the next room to see the puzzle. Sure enough, it was correctly assembled. "Son, how did you put this map of the world together so quickly?" "Oh daddy, I didn't put the world together; it was too hard. But I noticed there was a picture of some children on the back, and I figured if I put all the children together right, then the world would come out right, too." ********unknown . . BlackDog's Christmas Tic-Tac-Toe Game! . .
. .
. . A SOUTHERN Christmas Story
In a small southern town I saw a wonderful "Nativity Scene," but one feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets. Unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left.
At a "QuikStop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets.
She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You Yankees never do read the Bible!"
I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible.
She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said "See, it says right here, 'The three wise men came from afar." . .
. .
FREE Personalized Emergency Medical Profile - store & retrieve securely. . . Talking To God A man was taking it easy, laying on the grass and looking up at the clouds. He was identifying shapes when he decided to talk to God. "God", he said, "how long is a million years?" God answered, "In my frame of reference, it's about a minute." The man asked, "God, how much is a million dollars?" God answered, "To me, it's a penny." The man then asked, "God, can I have a penny?" God answered, "In a minute." . . Play the most exciting internet game ever! Its easy! Register with dash and download the dashBar for FREE and you'll receive an online "Scratch & Win" game piece. You can win up to $500,000 instantly or one of 350,000 other Instant Win prizes! And check this out.... 1 in 14 is an instant winner! It could be you. So, register and download NOW to play dash Easy Money. . . LadyJ-Something to Think About . |
.
| merrychristmas |
. |
|
|
. .
. . . .. FREE Birthday, Anniversary and other event reminders. Click now to win $5000!
You can find about anything you want on the web when you use There is a lot more Keep Smiling that can be found by clicking on the links below |
Hello everyone,
RATING Difficulty: easy.