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Click the pic Issue # 133 . |
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Click the pic Issue # 133 . |
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Hello
Everyone, Remember to invite your friends to join Keep Smiling !
They can sign up here Free Newsletter.
This issue is rather long, You should add this page to your bookmarks now. You will find many interesting links. There are some pretty neat games and some fantastic sweepstakes for you to enter. Please take the time to visit all the links.
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Be sure to check out the Keep Smiling Directory where you will find a lot more fun things to do and you can also do your Shopping online.
This week's newsletter is sponsored in part by:
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An Odd Day
If things seemed a little odd on Friday (11-19-1999), perhaps it was because it was your last odd day on Earth (All the numbers in the date are odd).
The next Odd day will be 1-1-3111, which is well over a thousand years away.
The next even day will be 2-2-2000 - the first one since 8-28-888.
So, hope you took some time to celebrate last Friday as it was your last odd day on Earth, and now you can look forward to your even day on 2/2/2000.
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Please take time out of your busy lives to check your toilet paper stockpile.
Make sure it's Y2K compliant!!!
Word has it, if it isn't, come Jan 1, 2000,
it will roll back to 1900, then turn into Sears Catalog!!!!!
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The Merger
Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and acquisitions, it was announced today at a press conference that Christmas and Hanukkah will merge. An industry source said that the deal had been in the works for about 1300 years.
While details were not available at press time, it is believed that the overhead cost of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days of Hanukkah was becoming prohibitive for both sides. By combining forces, we're told, the world will be able to enjoy consistently high-quality service during the Fifteen Days of Chrismukah, as the new holiday is being called.
Massive layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping and maids a-milking being the hardest hit. As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the dreydl, currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming unintelligible to a wider audience.
Also, instead of translating to "A great miracle happened there," the message on the dreydl will be the more generic "Miraculous stuff happens."
In exchange, it is believed that Jews will be allowed to use Santa Claus and his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering their gifts.
One of the sticking points holding up the agreement for at least three hundred years was the question of whether Jewish children could leave milk and cookies for Santa even after having eaten meat for dinner. A breakthrough came last year, when Oreos were finally declared to be Kosher.
All sides appeared happy about this.
A spokesman for Christmas, Inc., declined to say whether a takeover of Kwanzaa might not be in the works as well. He merely pointed out that, were it not for the independent existence of Kwanzaa, the merger between Christmas and Chanukah might indeed be seen as an unfair cornering of the holiday market. Fortunately for all concerned, he said, Kwanzaa will help to maintain the competitive balance. He then closed the press conference by leading all present in a rousing rendition of "Oy Vey, All Ye Faithful."
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The Blonde ad the Lawyer
A lawyer and blonde sat next to each other other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, andif you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa.
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. Okay says the lawyer, your turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem, searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00. The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
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The Physical Exam
A young woman was having a physical examination and was very embarrassed because of a weight problem. As she removed her last bit of clothing, she blushed. "I'm so ashamed, Doctor," she said, "I guess I let myself go."
The physician was checking hers eyes and ears. "Don't feel ashamed, Miss. You don't look that bad."
"Do you really think so, Doctor?" she asked.
The doctor held a tongue depressor in front of her face and said, "Of course. Now just open your mouth and say moo."
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Simplify The Season
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At the Zoo
A very pious zookeeper was walking past the dolphin tank one day and noticed that the dolphins were mating, right in the open where anyone,especially children, could see. Concerned with the obvious immorality of the situation, he decided to get some food to try to distract the dolphins.
He walked across the compound, got some seagull meat from the food locker, and was walking back when he came upon several police officers and a big crowd of people blocking the path. The zookeeper approached an officer and asked what the commotion was all about. The officer informed him that a lion had escaped and was blocking the path. No one was to be allowed past until the lion was recaptured. Being the zookeeper, he was familiar with all of the zoo's animals, and being determined to stop the dolphins, carried his seagulls past the police and walked up to the lion. The lion recognized the zookeeper, stayed where he was, but the police arrested the zookeeper. The charge: transporting gulls across staid lions for immoral porpoises!
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The Drunk and the Priest
A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"
"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man."
"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."
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If At First You Don't Succeed ...
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"Little Johnny"
The teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his numbers.
"Yes," he said. "I do. My father taught me."
"Good. What comes after three."
"Four," answers the boy.
"What comes after six?"
"Seven."
"Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job. What comes
after ten?"
"A jack."
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How Did You Get So Rich?
A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.
The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.
The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37.
Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."
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Who's the Thief?
Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long trial, the jury aquitted him. Later that day Carlson came back to the judge who had presided at the hearing.
"Your honor," he said, "I want to get out a warrant for that dirty lawyer of mine."
"Why?" asked the judge. "He won your aquittal. What do you want to have him arrested for?"
"Well, your honor," replied Carlson, "I didn't have the money to pay his fee, so he went and took the car I stole."
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The Night Watchman
A man got a job as a night watchman at a factory. There had been a lot of thefts by the workers on the night shift, and so every morning when the night shift workers passed through his gate it was his job to check their bags and pockets to make sure that nothing was being stolen.
Things were going along very well the first night on the job until a man pushing a wheelbarrow of newspaper came through his gate. Aha, he thought, that man thinks he can cover up what he is stealing with that newspaper. So he removed the paper only to find nothing. Still he felt that the man was acting strangely, so he questioned him about the paper.
"I get a little extra money from newspapers I recycle, so I go into the lunchroom and pick up all the ones people have thrown away." The guard let him pass, but decided to keep a close eye on him. The next night it was the same, and the night after that. Week after week it went on. The same guy would push the wheelbarrow of newspapers past the guard's checkpoint. The guard would always check and find nothing.
Then one night, about a year later, the guard reported for work only to find a message had been left for him telling him to report to his supervisor. He walked into the supervisor's office and before he could say a word, the boss said, "You're fired!"
"Fired?" he asked in total surprise. "Why? What did I do?"
"It was your job to make sure that no one stole anything from this plant and you have failed. So you're fired."
"Wait a minute, what do you mean failed. Nobody ever stole anything from this place while I was on guard."
"Oh, really," the boss answered. "Then how do you account for the fact that there are 365 wheelbarrows missing?"
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Mary Poppins
Mary Poppins was traveling home but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel for the night. She approached the receptionist and asked for a room.
"Certainly madam" he replied courteously.
"Is the restaurant open still?" inquired Mary.
"Sorry, no," came the reply, "but room service is available all night. Would you care to select something from the menu?"
Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it. "Hmmm, I would like cauliflower cheese please," said Mary.
"Certainly madam" he replied.
"And can I have breakfast in bed?" asked Mary politely. The receptionist nodded and smiled.
"In that case, I would love a couple of eggs please, poached," Mary mused. After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room for the night.
The night passed uneventfully and next morning Mary came down early to check out. The same guy was still on the desk.
"Morning madam. Sleep well?"
"Yes, thank you," Mary replied.
"Food to your liking?"
"Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional, I don't think I have had better. Shame about the eggs though. They really weren't that nice at all," Mary replied truthfully.
"Oh, well perhaps you would care to contribute these thoughts to our Guest Comments Book. We are always looking to improve our service and would value your opinion," said the receptionist.
"OK, I will. Thanks!" replied Mary, who then checked out, paused a while, then scribbled a comment into the book. Waving, she left to continue her journey.
Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary had written. Here it is...
"Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocious!!!"
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YOU'RE NOT OLD UNLESS YOU CAN REMEMBER:
What you do with the pointed end of a can opener.
When there was no McDonalds
When you dressed up to fly on an airliner.
When you could watch the engines start on an airliner.
When candy bars cost a nickel.
When comic books cost 10 cents (and how traumatic it was when the price
went up to 12 cents, then 15 cents).
When you actually got up out of the couch to change the channel on the TV.
When there were only four other channels to change to, five if you adjusted the antenna
When whole communities were mass vaccinated against polio
Where you were when you heard JFK had been shot.
When VWs broke the $2000 barrier.
When John Glenn went into space the first time.
When you did calculations with a slide rule, an adding machine, and/or a
table of sines, cosines, and logarithms.
When this year's new cars looked different from last year's, and when
different makes of cars looked different.
When car radios were AM only.
When you watched "Today on the Farm" on TV before going to school.
When the number of home runs to beat for the record was 60.
When you could work on your own car.
When you would read LIFE, LOOK, or THE SATURDAY EVENING POST every week.
When you would leave empty milk bottles for the milkman
When a TV show would have 39 new episodes in a season.
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I found a penny today
Just laying on the ground, But it's not just a penny This little coin I've found.
Found pennies come from heaven That's what my Grandpa told me, He said, "Angels toss them down" Oh, how I loved that story.
He said, "When an Angel misses you They toss a penny down, Sometimes just to cheer you up To make a smile out of your frown".
So don't pass by that penny When you're feeling blue, It may be a penny from heaven That an Angel's tossed to you. |
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Zodiacal Zephyr: Acrophonology
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The Drunk Driver
A State Trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and approaches the driver. "Sir, is there a reason that you're weaving all over the road?"
Putty Duh replied, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here!! I almost had an accident! I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me.
I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!"
Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror, the officer replied, "Sir ... that's your air freshener."
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The Twelve Days After Thanksgiving
On the First Day.....
We give thanks for the fresh turkey feast and its hot trimmings.
On the Second Day.....
We bless the cold turkey sandwiches, sloshy cranberry sauce, and hard rolls.
On the Third Day.....
We praise the turkey pie and vintage mixed veggies.
On the Fourth Day.....
We thank the pilgrims for not serving bison that first time, or we'd be celebrating Thanksgiving in April.
On the Fifth Day.....
We gobble up cubed bird casserole and pray for a glimpse of naked turkey carcass.
On the Sixth Day.....
We show gratitude (sort of) to the creative cook who slings cashews at the turkey and calls it Oriental.
On the Seventh Day.....
We forgive our forefathers and pass the turkey-nugget pizza.
On the Eighth Day.....
The word "vegetarian" keeps popping into our heads.
On the Ninth Day.....
We check our hair to make sure we're not beginning to sprout feathers.
On the Tenth Day.....
We hope that the wing meat kabobs catch fire under the broiler.
On the Eleventh Day.....
We smile over the creamed gizzard because the thigh bones are in sight.
On the Twelfth Day.....
We apologize for running out of turkey leftovers, and everybody shouts Hallelujah!
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