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Deep
Thoughts
Never be afraid to try something new.
Remember, amateurs built the ark.
Professionals built the Titanic.
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Windows: A 32 bit extension and graphical shell,
for a 16 bit patch to an 8 bit operating system, originally coded for a 4
bit microprocessor, written by a 2 bit company, that can't stand 1
bit of competition.
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The Devil wanted a place on earth. Sort of a summer home: A place to spend his vacation Whenever he wanted to roam.
So he picked out Arizona. A place both wretched and rough. Here the climate was to his liking And the cowboys were hardened and tough.
He dried up the streams in the canyons and ordered no rain to fall: He dried up the lakes in the valleys, Then baked and scorched it all.
Then over his barren desert He transplanted shrubs from Hell. The cactus, thistle and prickly pear The climate suited them well.
Now, the home was much to his liking. But animal life, he had none: So he created crawling creatures That all mankind would shun.
First he made the rattlesnake. With its forked poisonous tongue: Taught it to strike and rattle And how to swallow its young.
Then he made Scorpions and Lizards And the ugly old Horned Toad. He placed spiders of every description Under rocks by the side of the road.
Then he ordered the sun to shine hotter. Hotter and hotter still. Until even the cactus wilted And the old Horned Toad looked ill.
Then he gazed on his earthly kingdom. As any creator would: He chuckled a little up his sleeve And admitted that it was good.
'Twas summer now and Satan lay By a prickly pear to rest. The sweat rolled off his weary brow. So he took off his coat and vest.
"By Golly," he finally panted "I did my job too well. I'm going back where I came from
Arizona is hotter than
Hell!" |
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Deep
Thoughts
Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good
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Little Johnny
Johnny was at his first day of school. The teacher advised the class that he starts the day with the pledge of allegiance and instructed them to put their right hand over their heart and repeat after him.
As he starts the recitation he looks around the room, "I pledge allegiance to the flag..." When his eyes fell on Johnny he found he had his hand over the right cheek of his buttocks.
"Johnny, I will not continue till you put you hand over your heart."
Johnny replied, "It is over my heart."
After several attempts to get Johnny to put his hand over his heart the teacher asked, "why do you think that is your heart?"
"Because every time my Grandma comes to visit she picks me up and pats me here and says, 'Bless your little heart,' and my Grandma wouldn't lie."
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Deep
Thoughts
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
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At The Olympics
An English man, a Scots man and an Irish man were trying to get in to see the Olympics without tickets. So they got to the stadium during one of the main events and discussed how they would be able to attend without paying.
The English man walked around the stadium and saw a pole lying on the ground and picked it up. He walked to the entrance and said, "Peter. England. Pole throwing."
The guards let him in without hesitation.
While walking, the Scots man sees a manhole. He picks up the cover, carries it under his arm to the entrance and says, "McGregor. Scotland. Discus throwing.
The guards let him in also.
The Irish man is very frantic, since both his friends are now inside. He walks around the stadium and finds a roll of barbed wire. He picks it up, walks to the entrance and says, "Murphy. Ireland. Fencing."
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Deep
Thoughts
Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.
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Gifts for Mom
Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.
The first said: "I built a big house for our mother."
The second said: "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."
The third said: "You remember how mom enjoys reading the Bible. Now she can't see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him, he's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot recites it."
Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks....
"Milton," she said, "the house you built is so huge. I live only in one room, but I have to clean the whole house."
"Gerald," she said, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home so I rarely use the Mercedes. And that driver is so rude! He's a pain!"
"And my dearest, Donald," she said, "the chicken was delicious!"
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How-to guides, tutorials and tips for just about anything!
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Deep
Thoughts
People will accept your ideas much more readily,
if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.
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*SOTALLY TOBER*
starkle starkle little twink
who the heck you are I think
I'm not under what you call
the alcofluence of incohol
I'm just a little slort of sheep
I'm not drunk like tinkle peep
I don't know who is me yet
but the drunker I stand here the longer I get
Just give me one more drink
to fill me cup
'cuz I got all day sober
to Sunday up
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Deep
Thoughts
In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
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Uncle Sam Wants You
The chief of staff of the US Army decided that he would personally intervene in the recruiting crisis affecting all of our armed services. He directed a nearby Air Force base that would be opened and that all eligible young men and women be invited.
As he and his staff were standing near a brand new M-1 Battle Tank, a pair of twin well built, neatly kept brothers who looked like they had just stepped off an Army Corps recruiting poster walked up to them. The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and introduced himself.
He looked at the first young man and asked, "Son, what skills can you bring to the best Army in the world?"
The young man looks at him and says, "I'm a pilot!"
The general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says, "Get him in today, all the paper work done, everything, do it!"
The aide hustles the young man off. The general looks at the second young man and asked, "What skills can you bring to this man's Army?"
The young man says, "I chop wood!"
"Son," the general replies, "we don't need wood choppers in the Army, what else do you know how to do?"
"I chop wood!"
"Young man," huffs the general, "you are not listening to me, we don't need wood choppers, this is the 20th century and our battles are fought with our minds as much as with our bodies!"
"Well," the young man says, "you hired my brother!"
"Of course we did," says the general, "he's a pilot!"
The young man rolls his eyes and says, "Duh! I have to friggin' *chop* it before he can pile it!"
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| Deep Thoughts |  |
You don't stop laughing because
you grow old,
you grow old because you stopped laughing. |
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Deep
Thoughts
You're getting old when ... you get the same
sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from
a roller coaster.
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The Butcher Got Caught
An woman walks into the butcher shop just before closing. She says, "Thank Heavens I've made it in time! Have you any chicken?" The butcher opens his fridge and takes out his only chicken, and plops it onto the scale. It weighs 2 1/2 pounds.
"Ah, haven't you anything bigger?" the woman inquires.
The butcher returns the chicken to the fridge, takes it out again, and plops it onto the scale, only this time, he keeps his thumb on the chicken.
The scale shows 3 1/4 pounds.
"Marvelous!" says the woman. "I'll have both of them please."
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How Much Is That Puppy Worth?
A store owner was tacking a sign above his door that read "Puppies For Sale."
Signs like that have a way of attracting small children and sure enough, a little boy appeared under the store owner's sign.
"How much are you going to sell the puppies for?" he asked.
The store owner replied, "Anywhere from $30 to $50."
The little boy reached in his pocket and pulled out some change. "I have $2.37," he said. "Can I please look at them?"
The store smiled and whistled and out of the kennel came Lady, who ran down the aisle of his store followed by five teeny, tiny balls of fur. One puppy was lagging considerably behind. Immediately the little boy singled out the lagging, limping puppy and said, "What's wrong with that little dog?"
The store owner explained that the veterinarian had examined the little puppy and had discovered it didn't have a hip socket. It would always limp.
It would always be lame.
The little boy became excited. "That is the little puppy that I want to buy."
The store owner said, "No, you don't want to buy that little dog. If you really want him, I'll just give him to you."
The little boy got quite upset. He looked straight into the store owner's eyes, pointing his finger, and said, "I don't want you to give him to me.
That little dog is worth every bit as much as all the other dogs and I'll pay full price. In fact, I'll give you $2.37 now, and 50 cents a month until I have him paid for."
The store owner countered, "You really don't want to buy this little dog. He is never going to be able to run and jump and play with you like the other puppies."
To this, the little boy reached down and rolled up his pant leg to reveal a badly twisted, crippled left leg supported by a big metal brace.
He looked up at the store owner and softly replied, "Well, I don't run so well myself, and the little puppy will need.... someone who understands!"
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"Indian Summer"
There's something especially pleasing about those days in late September or early October when you wake up to a sunny, warm day just when you might expect to feel a little nip in the air. It's like a bonus--an excuse to slow down and stay laid-back like you might do in summer. There's even an old popular song called "Indian Summer" that sounds like those days feel.
It's too bad that the source of the expression isn't so mellow. But in all likelihood it's in the same spirit as "Indian giver," someone who gives you something and then wants it back. Indian Summer is a "false" summer, not to be trusted.
The people who colonized America felt that way about the Indians, and unfairly hung the word "Indian" on things that were not authentic. Unfortunately, it's remained there ever since.
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A guy takes his girlfriend to her first football game. After the game he asked his girlfriend how she liked it.
"Oh, I really liked it," she said, "but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents."
"What do you mean?"
"Well," she answered "All they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!'"
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