Issue #126
|
Issue #126 |
|
Links to Keep Smiling Stores Pets Toys Shopnow
.
Hello everyone, I have added a game of
Darts to
the
KEEP
SMILING DIRECTORY, this game you must download to play.
Remember to use Keep Smiling Searches the Web when you need to find stuff on the web. Instructions on how to make this search page you opening page are located on the page.
Have you registered for the $10,000 Shopping Spree? if you haven't NOW is the time to do it! if you have Now is the time to do it again!
KEEP SMILING gets a lot of stories from "Richards Mail" This is a very good Very clean Newsletter. Below are several of Richard's links that I think you will enjoy. Please check them out. If you wish to receive Richards Mail there will be a link on the pages for you to sign up.
.
.
.
All of us do not have equal talent, but all of us should have an equal opportunity to develop our talents.
-- John F. Kennedy
.
.
Play a Piano : An interactive Musical Java Activity
.
.
.
.
.
.
The Wager
A man came home from a poker game late one night and found his hideous wife waiting for him with a rolling pin.
"Where the hell have you been?" she asked.
"You'll have to pack all your things, dear," he ad-libbed. "I've just lost you in a card game."
"How did you manage to do that?"
"It wasn't easy, honest. I had to fold with a royal flush."
.
.
.
.
.
.
Tie me Kangaroo down
A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo. Knowing that he could hop high, the zoo officials put up a ten-foot fence.
He was out the next morning, just sauntering around the zoo. A twenty-foot fence was put up. Again he got out.
When the fence was forty feet high, a camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, "How high do you think they'll go?"
The kangaroo said, "About a thousand feet, unless somebody locks the gate at night!"
.
.
$$$$$Moneyland Games$$$$$
.
.
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Redmond, WA - Microsoft announced today that the official release date for its new operating system *Windows 2000* will be delayed until the second quarter of 1901.
.
.
.
.
It's Lonely At The Top
A bright young turk had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech firm. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and handed him three numbered envelopes.
"Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can handle," he said.
Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a nosedive and he was really catching a lot of heat from the board.
At wit's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, "Blame your predecessor."
The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the board, the press, and Wall Street responded positively, sales picked up, stock prices rose and the problem was soon behind him.
About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious problems getting new product to market. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO wasted no time in opening the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize."
This he did, and again the company quickly rebounded. After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope.
The simple message said, "Prepare three envelopes..."
.
.
.
CLUES THAT YOU'VE GONE OVERBOARD ON HOME IMPROVEMENT
You've built a drive-thru car wash in the second slot of your 2-car garage.
You'll use any excuse to add a new room onto the house, including needing more space for the newest addition to the family -- your daughter's goldfish Buffy.
Even Martha Stewart has deemed your multi-level, hydraulically-operated kitchen is "a bit overdone."
You've converted the standard stall shower into a "bathing waterfall," complete with tropical plants.
Your rear-projection, surround-sound TV room can comfortably seat 43, and you're trying to make arrangements with Universal for first run films.
Your dog has a duplex dog house out back, even though he sleeps in bed with you every night.
The local building department says you can't add a fourth floor to a house that was originally zoned as a single level dwelling.
You bought and demolished your next door neighbors house to make room for an Olympic size swimming pool.
You've installed a small freight elevator going to your attic.
You've built an FAA-approved helipad on your roof.
.
.
.
.
What You Understand At Age 45
1. The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it.
2. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight-saving time.
3. People who feel the need to tell you that they have an excellent sense of humor are telling you that they have no sense of humor.
4. The most valuable function performed by the federal government is entertainment.
5. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
6. A penny saved is worthless.
7. The most powerful force in the universe is: gossip.
8. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe we are above-average drivers.
9. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is: age 11.
10. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
11. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
12. Nobody is normal.
13. At least once per year, some group of scientists will become very excited and announce that:
* The universe is even bigger than they thought!
* There are even more subatomic particles than they thought!
* Whatever they announced last year about global warming is wrong.
14. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
15. The value of advertising is that it tells you the exact opposite of what the advertiser actually thinks. For example: If the advertisement says "This is not your father's Oldsmobile," the advertiser is desperately concerned that this Oldsmobile, like all other Oldsmobiles, appeals primarily to old farts like your father.
16. The same principle used for advertising products seem to apply to political advertising as well. If a politician ever ran for president under a slogan such as "Harlan Frubert: Basically, He Wants Attention," I would quit my job to work for his campaign.
17. If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and He decides to deliver His message to humanity, He will not use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
18. You should not confuse your career with your life.
19. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
20. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it way too seriously.
21. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.
22. Your friends love you anyway.
23. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
.
.
.
.
Ten Commandments
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."
.
.
.
.
Flo: Why can't my mother move in with us?
Moe: Because the Bible says she can't!
Flo: Show me where it says that!
Moe: Right here, see. "No man can serve two masters!"
.
.
.
.
The Dog
On the first day of creation, God created the dog.
On the second day, God created man to serve the dog.
On the third day, God created all the animals of the earth (especially the horse) to serve as potential food for the dog.
On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labor for the good of the dog.
On the fifth day, God created the tennis ball so that the dog might or might not retrieve it.
On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the dog healthy and the man broke.
On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but He had to walk the dog.
.
.
.
.
The New Job
A man goes to the employment office and is offered a job driving the bus for Sesame Street. Although he hates kids, he is desperate and accepts the job. At the first stop he picks up a little girl. She gets on the bus and says" Hi, my name is Patty and I'm fat. He says, " So what, Go sit down in the back of the bus.
Second stop. Picks up another little girl. She gets on and says,"Hi my name is Patty and I'm obese." He says, "Yeah, just like your other fat friend, go sit in the back of the bus."
Third stop. Picks up a little boy. He gets on and says," Hi, my name is Ross and I'm special. Driver says, " I don't see anything special about you, go sit down in the back of the bus.."
Last stop. Picks up a little boy and he gets on and says, " Hi, my name is Lester Cheese.
Driver : "Don't you have anything to say about yourself?"
Lester: "No'.
Driver : Well, you're a good little boy, you can sit right behind me and watch me drive the bus.
They continue down Sesame Street and the driver looks in the rear view mirror and notices that Lester Cheese is picking his bunions. He get so engrossed that he runs a red light. The police chase him down with the sirens blaring and the lights flashing. They get on the bus and say," What do you think you're doing? Do you realize you have the lives of these children in you hands. Are you crazy or something?
Driver: You'd be crazy too if you had two obese Pattys. special Ross, Lester Cheese picking bunions on a sesame street bus!
.
.
.
.
Intelligence
Two men were digging a ditch on a very hot day. One said to the other, "Why are we down in this hole digging s ditch when our boss is standing up there in the shade of a tree?" "I don't know," responded the other. "I'll ask him."
So he climbed out of the hole and went to his boss. "Why are we digging in the hot sun and you're standing in the shade?" "Intelligence," the boss said. "What do you mean, ‘intelligence'?"
The boss said, "Well, I'll show you. I'll put my hand on this tree and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can." The ditch digger took a mighty swing and tried to hit the boss' hand. The boss removed his hand and the ditch digger hit the tree. The boss said, "That's intelligence!"
The ditch digger went back to his hole. His friend asked, "What did he say?" "He said we are down here because of intelligence." "What's intelligence?" said the friend. The ditch digger put his hand on his face and said, "Take your shovel and hit my hand."
.
.
.
.
.
.
The Prince of Egypt
Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School. "Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge, and all the people walked across safely. He used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters and call in an air strike. They sent in bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved."
"Now, Joey, is that REALLY what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked.
"Well, no, Mom, but if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!
.
.
.
.
Nursery Rhyme
Here's one that actually happened to a friend of mine.
My friend likes to read his two young sons fairy tales at night. Having a deep-rooted sense of humor, he often ad-libs parts of the stories for fun.
One day his youngest son was sitting in his first grade class as the teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs.
She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to acquire building materials for his home. She said, "...and so the pig went up to the man with a wheelbarrow full of straw and said 'Pardon me, sir, but might I have some of that straw to build my house with?'"
Then the teacher asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?" and my friend's son raised his hand and said, "I know! I know!
He said: 'Holy smokes! A talking pig!'"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
.
.
Need money for college? fastweb is the largest FREE scholarship search on the Internet, with more than 400,000 scholarships worth over $1 billion. Get accurate, updated information on scholarships, grants, and fellowships, all at absolutely no cost. And fastweb is the only scholarship search service that allows students to apply online through the E-Scholarship program. Sign up for FREE now!
.
Click here to share KEEP SMILING with a friend!
.
| E-TOUR |
|
FREE
GROCERIES
|
KEEP SMILING HOME PAGE | KEEP SMILING DIRECTORY
