Issue #124
|
Issue #124 |
|
Hello Everyone, I just want to take a moment to introduce
to a couple new departments of the KEEP SMILIN website. First Keep
Smiing is now working with eToys.com to provide you with a comfortable
shopping atmosphere that you can trust please take a moment to check out
this department.
Keep
Smiling Toys.
The other department that I wish to introduce is for your pets Please check it out !
Check out KEEP SMILING Searches theWeb There has been some changes
..
http://www.geocities.com/Heartland/Hollow/1433/wonderful.htm
.
.
Smiles
Smiles are the precious gems that add a special glow,
And fill the world with sunshine in spite of daily woe.
Smiles are the soft white clouds that cushion every blow,
And chase away misgivings among our friends and foe.
Smiles are the rainbows that appear when storms are through;
They turn our pain to joy again; our courage we'll renew.
Smiles are the bridge between the darkness and the light;
When sharing them with others, new friendships we invite.
.
.
Q: What did the donut say to the loaf of bread?
A: If I had that much dough. I wouldn't be hanging around this hole.
.
.
.
.
Seeing Colors
A Dutchman was explaining the red, white, and blue Netherlands flag to an American.
"Our flag is symbolic of our taxes. We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bills, and blue after we pay them."
The American nodded. "It's the same in the USA only we see stars too!"
.
.
.
.
eFax.com lets you receive all your faxes via
email at your existing email address - for FREE!
No more chasing paper - No more bulky hardware
machines - Increased privacy & confidentiality
Pick up your faxes as easily as you pick up email.
.
.
Jury Duty
A man was chosen for jury duty who very much wanted to be dismissed from serving. He tried every excuse he could think of but none of them worked.
On the day of the trial he decided to give it one more shot. As the trial was about to begin he asked if he could approach the bench.
"Your Honor," he said, " I must be excused from this trial because I am prejudiced against the defendant. I took one look at the man in the blue suit with those beady eyes and that dishonest face and I said 'He's a crook! He's guilty, guilty, guilty' So your Honor, I could not possibly stay on this jury!"
With a tired annoyance the judge replied, "Get back in the jury box. That man is his lawyer."
.
.
.
.
It's Dark Mommy
A little boy was afraid of the dark. One night his mother told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom.
The little boy turned to his mother and said, "Mama, I don't want to go out there. It's dark."
The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. "You don't have to be afraid of the dark," she explained. "Jesus is out there. He'll look after you and protect you."
The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, "Are you sure he's out there?"
"Yes, I'm sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when you need him," she said.
The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back door and cracked it a little. Peering out into the darkness, he called, "Jesus? If you're out there, would you please hand me the broom?"
.
.
.
.
SLOW DOWN !
A farmer lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day. So one day he called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."
"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.
"I don't care, just do something about those drivers."
So the next day he had the county go out and put up a sign that said: SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING.
Three days later the farmer called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go faster."
So, again, the sheriff sends out the county and they put up a new sign: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY.
And that really sped them up. So the farmer called and called and called everyday for three weeks. Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Is it all right for me to put up my own sign?"
The sheriff told him, "sure thing, put up your own sign." He was going to let the farmer do just about anything in order to have him stop calling.
Well, the sheriff got no more calls from the farmer.
Three weeks after the farmers last call, the sheriff decided to call him. "How's the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?"
"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy." And he hung up the phone.
The sheriff thought to himself, "I'd better go to that farmer's house and look at that sign... There might be something there that WE could use to slow down drivers..." So the sheriff drove out to the farmer's house, and he saw the sign. It was a whole sheet of plywood. And written in large yellow letters were the words: SLOW: NUDIST COLONY.
.
.
..
.
Parachutists are good to the last drop
.
.
.
.
A weary mother returned from the store, Lugging groceries through the kitchen door. Awaiting her arrival was her 8 year old son, Anxious to relate what his younger brother had done.
"While I was out playing and Dad was on a call, T.J. took his crayons and wrote on the wall! It's on the new paper you just hung in the den. I told him you'd be mad at having to do it again."
She let out a moan and furrowed her brow, "Where is your little brother right now?" She emptied her arms and with a purposeful stride, She marched to his closet where he had gone to hide.
She called his full name as she entered his room. He trembled with fear--he knew that meant doom! For the next ten minutes, she ranted and raved About the expensive wallpaper and how she had saved.
Lamenting all the work it would take to repair, She condemned his actions and total lack of care. The more she scolded, the madder she got, Then stomped from his room, totally distraught!
She headed for the den to confirm her fears. When she saw the wall, her eyes flooded with tears. The message she read pierced her soul with a dart. It said, "I love Mommy," surrounded by a heart.
Well, the wallpaper remained, just as she found it, With an empty picture frame hung to surround it. A reminder to her, and indeed to all, Take time to read the handwriting on the wall. Author Unknown |
.
.
.
.
Q. Why did the chicken cross the road?
A. To prove to the armidillo it really could be done!
(Southwest joke)
.
.
Last Issue used a graphic in the opening title and this week someone sent me a link to a webpage that has the same graphic ... Very good site Check it out!
.
.
The Mime
One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempting to earn some money as a street performer. As soon as he starts to draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabs him and drags him into his office.
The zoo keeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one.
The mime accepts.
So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before crowds come. He discovers that it's a great job.
He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he tires of just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it. At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction.
Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up.
Then one day when he is dangling over the furious lion he slip and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run around and around the cage with the lion close behind.
Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help, Help me!", but the lion is quick and pounces.
The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says "Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired???"
.
.
.
At The Top.
Bill, Jim & Scott were at a convention together & were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75-story skyscraper.
After a long day of meetings, they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken & they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room.
Bill said to Jim & Scott, "Let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, Jim can sing songs for the next 25 flights and Scott can tell sad stories for the rest of the way."
At the 26th floor, Bill stopped telling jokes & Jim began to sing. At the 51st floor Jim stopped singing & Scott began to tell sad stories.
"I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left the room key in the car!!!
.
.
.
.
Knowledge You Can't Live Without
Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.
"I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
The term "whole 9 yards" came from WWII fighter pilots in the South Pacific. When arming their airplanes on the ground, the .50 caliber machine gun ammo belts measured exactly 27 feet. If the pilots fired all their ammo at a target, it got the "whole 9 yards".
Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them looks like it is kissing the conveyor belt.
The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.
The Interstate system was designed so that one mile in every five must be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies.
The name Jeep came from the abbreviation used in the army for the "General Purpose" vehicle, G.P.
The cruise liner Queen Elizabeth II, moves only six inches for each gallon of fuel that it burns.
No NFL team which plays its home games in a domed stadium has ever won a SuperBowl.
The nursery rhyme Ring Around the Rosey is a rhyme about the plague. Infected people with the plague would get red circular sores (Ring around the Rosey...). These sores would smell very bad so people would hide flowers on their bodies in an attempt to mask the smell ("pocket full of posies..."). People who died from the plague would be burned to reduce the spread of the disease ("ashes, ashes, we all fall down").
.
.
.
.
Change Of Faith
An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both.
As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, "Oh, my God! Help me!"
At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the heavens, "I thought you didn't believe in Me!"
"Come on God, give me a break!!" the man pleaded.
"Funny, two minutes ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"
.
.
.
.
The Magician
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show: "Look, it's not the same hat."
"Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table."
"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades ?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot. One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself adrift on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course. They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.
This went on for a day then another and another.
After a week the parrot said: "OK, I give up.
Where the heck is the boat ?"
.
.
LOVE'S
MEASURE
How much do you love me?
How much do I love you?
To measure these emotions
Is impossible to do.
There has never been a compass
Or a ruler or a tape
That could measure what a heart feels,
Be it LOVE or
Be it HATE.
Just to tell someone you love them
Is an easy thing to do.
The true secret of love's measure
Is to show them that you DO!
.
.
.
.
.
.
A Senior Moment
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection.
The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light."
After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right through.
This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it.
She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through and she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!"
Mildred turned to her and said "Oh, am I driving?
.
.
.
.
The Parrot
One day a guy was trying to get his parrot to say something. He looked out his kitchen window where he was drinking his coffee, and saw a bunch of kids trying to break his fence. He yelled out to them, "If you kids don't get lost, I'm gonna call the police!"
The kids answered back, "Bologna! Bologna! Bologna!"
Then the parrot repeated them, "Bologna! Bologna! Bologna!"
The next week the guy went rock climbing with his two brothers and for some dumb reason, took the bird with him.
One of the brothers fell into a hole. The other brother shouted, "Get a rope, pull him up. Get a rope, pull him up."
The parrot repeated what he said, "get a rope, pull him up. Get a rope, pull him up."
Two weeks after that the guy went to the fair and took his parrot with him. Far off in the distance the parrot heard, "Hit the doll, win a prize!" And so he repeated that.
That Sunday the guy and his parrot went to church, and when the priest began his speech, "God lives up there," and he gestured to the ceiling, the parrot said, "Bologna! Bologna! Bologna!"
The priest ignored him. Again he started, "The devil lives down there." And he gestured to the floor.
The parrot then spoke, "Get a rope, pull him up. Get a rope, pull him up."
The priest got angry and in despair threw the bible and it hit a nun.
Just then the parrot said, "Hit the doll, win a prize!"
.
.
.
.
| E-TOUR |
|
FREE GROCERIES |
KEEP SMILING HOME PAGE | KEEP SMILING DIRECTORY
Click here to subscribe to Keep Smiling!
