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Hello everyone, as you know the Keep Smiling Newsletter
is made from the jokes, stories, cartoons, and graphics that you send in.
Please send them to
othrrggrs@aol.com
Please use KEEP SMILING in the subject line.
Keep Smiling now has made some improvements to
KEEP SMILING SEARCHES THE WEB there are now three powerful search engines that you can use directly from this page. You should be able to find anything you want on the web frpm this page. I have included instructions on the page to tell you how to make the Keep Smiling Search page be the opening page for your browser.
I still need more photos, I am looking for clowns, mimes, magicians, fools, court jesters, stiltwalkers, thr Real Mr. and Mrs Santa Claus (There was many sightings last year and I know someone took pictures) please send to: othrrggrs@aol.com Please use KEEP SMILING-Pictures in the subject line.
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IF I KNEW
If I knew it would be the last time that I'd see you fall asleep,
I would tuck you in more tightly and pray the Lord your soul to keep.
If I knew it would be the last time that I see you walk out the door,
I would give you a hug and kiss and call you back for one more.
If I knew it would be the last time I'd hear your voice lifted up in praise,
I would video tape each action and word, so I could play them back day after day.
If I knew it would be the last time, I could spare an extra minute or two,
to stop and say that "I love you," Instead of assuming that you KNOW I do.
If I knew it would be the last time I would be there to share your day,
Well, I'm sure you'll have so many more, So I can let this one slip away.
For surely there's always tomorrow to make up for an oversight,
And we always get a second chance to make everything all right
There will always be another day to say our "I love you's,"
And certainly there's another chance to say our "Anything I can do's."
But just in case I might be wrong, and today is all I get,
I'd like to say how much I love you and hope we never forget.
Tomorrow is not promised to anyone, young or old alike,
And today may be the last chance you get to hold your loved one tight.
So, if you're waiting for tomorrow, why not do it today?
For if tomorrow never comes, you'll surely regret the day,
That you didn't take that extra time for a smile, a hug, or kiss,
and you were too busy to grant someone, What turned out to be their one last wish.
So hold your loved ones close today, whisper in their ear,
Tell them how much you love them And that you'll always hold them dear.
Take the time to say "I'm sorry," "Please forgive me," "Thank you," or It's OK."
And if tomorrow never comes, you'll have no regrets about today.
An Airplane Experience
Pierre and Boudreaux were flying Cajun Airlines. Boudreaux was flying da plane and Pierre was in da back foolin wit da cargo equipment an stuff. Da plane hit some turbulance an started
bouncing around an Boudreaux got knock unconscience. Then da plane started driftin. Pierre him come run up to da front an Boudreaux was sprawl out over da steerin wheel.
Well, Pierre don't know notin bout flyin an he start to get panaky. He grab da microphone and holla "May Day! May Day! Dis is Cajun Air Line 10210. Boudreaux, him knock unconscence an I don know nutin about flyin dis plane!"
"Dis is da control tower," someone answer. "Don' you worry about nutin. We gona splain how fo you to land dis plane, step by step ah gar-on-tee! Jus leave arything ta us. Fus', how high are you an what's you position?"
Pierre thought a minute, den say, "I'm five foot ten an I'm all da way to da front of da plane."
"No! No!" answer da tower. "What's you altitude an where's you location?"
Pierre say, "Man ah got a po attitude, an I'm from Thibodeaux!"
"No! No! No!" came an exasperated voice. "Ah needs to know how many feet you got off da ground an how you plane's in relation to da airport!"
Pierre start to panic by dis time. He say, "Countin Boudreaux's an mine we got four feet off da ground an I don't believe dis plane's related to you airport!"
A long pause --- "We needs to know who you next of kin is and where to send da flowers!"
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Here is the link to the affiliate network that I had mentioned a couple of weeks ago. There has been so many of you that have sent me e-mail that I thought I would share this with you once again. This is Directleads I will not claim that you are going to get rich off your home page but, you can make some money ... If you have a webpage or a web site you may want to take the time to check out Directleads . {Large commissions are possible}
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Uncle Joe
My Uncle Joe got fired from his construction job. I asked him what happened... "You know what a foreman is?" he asked. "The one who stands around and watches the other men work."
"What's that got to do with it?" I asked.
"Well, he just got jealous of me," Uncle Joe explained. "Everyone thought I was the foreman."
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WARNING!!!
Please take time out of your busy lives to check your toilet paper stockpile. Make sure it's Y2K compliant!!! Word has it, if it isn't, come Jan 1, 2000, it will roll back to 1900, then turn into Sears Catalogs!!!!!
YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!!
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Fishing
A couple of young boys were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track. All of a sudden, the Game Warden jumped out of the bushes.
Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods like a bat out of hell. The Game Warden was hot on his heels.
After about a half mile, the young man stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath, so the Game Warden finally caught up to him.
"Let's see yer fishin' license, Boy!" the Warden gasped.
With that, the boy pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license.
"Well, son," said the Game Warden, "you must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!"
"Yes, sir," replied the young guy, "but my friend back there, well, he don't have one."
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College Days
A kid called up his mum from his college and asked her for some money, because he ran out of it. Mum said, "Sure, sweetie.
Mum will send you some money. You also left your calculus book here when you visited 2 weeks ago. Do you want me to send that up too?"
"Uhh, oh yeah, o.k." Responded the kid.
So Mum wrapped the book along with the checks up in a package, kissed Dad goodbye, and went to the post office to mail the money and the book.
When she gets back, Dad asked, "Well how much did you give the boy this time?
Mum said, "Oh, I wrote 2 checks, one for $20, and the other for $1000"
"That's $1020!!!" yelled Dad, "Are you crazy???"
"Don't worry hon," Mum said, as she kissed Dad on the on top of his bald head, "I taped the $20 check to the cover of his book, but I put the $1000 one somewhere between the pages in chapter 19!"
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PRINT COUPONS FROM YOUR OWN COMPUTER!
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Do this ! This is a link to a web-based virus scanning program. This is a FREE service. This will scan and clean each of your drives. It takes a few minutes to open this site so be patient...give it time! It also takes a few minutes to run the scan as all virus scanners do ....give it time.
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Doctor Bills
A woman was having a medical problem - her husband snoring.
So she called the doctor one morning, and asked him if there was anything he could do to relieve her "suffering."
"Well, there is one operation I can perform that will cure your husband, but it is really rather expensive. It will cost $1000 down, and payments of $450 for 24 months, plus payments for extras."
"My goodness!" the woman exclaimed, "sounds like leasing a new sports car!"
"Humm," the doctor murmured, "too obvious, huh?"
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Here is a good link you may want to bookmark for future use if you plan to be traveling during the upcoming holidays.
Rand McNally Online: Budget Tips: Save on Air Fares
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A Senior Moment
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection.
The stoplight was red but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light."
After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right through.
This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it.
She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through and she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!"
Mildred turned to her and said "Oh, am I driving?
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Quoting Dad
Mother: "What did Father say when he learned you're pregnant?"
Daughter: "Shall I leave out the profanity?"
Mother: "Yes, of course!"
Daughter: "Nothing."
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My Grandpa
My grandfather worked in a blacksmith shop when he was a boy, and he used to tell me, when I was a little boy myself, how he had toughened himself up so he could stand the rigors of blacksmithing.
One story was how he had developed his arm and shoulder muscles. He said he would stand outside behind the house and, with a 5 pound potato sack in each hand, extend his arms straight out to his sides and hold them there as long as he could.
After awhile he tried 10 pound potato sacks, then 50 pound potato sacks and finally he got to where he could lift a 100 pound potato sack in each hand and hold his arms straight out for more than a full minute!
Next, he started putting potatoes in the sacks.
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Laneabby's Adirondack Mountain Photos
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The Preacher
The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again. After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"
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Classifications
A few months ago, when I was picking up the children at school, another mother I knew well, rushed up to me. Emily was fuming with indignation.
"Do you know what you and I are?" she demanded.
Before I could answer - and I didn't really have one handy - she blurted out the reason for her question. It seemed she had just returned from renewing her driver's license at the County Clerk's office. Asked by the woman recorder to state her "occupation," Emily had hesitated, uncertain how to classify herself.
"What I mean is," explained the recorder, "Do you have a job, or are you just a ......?"
"Of course I have a job," snapped Emily. "I'm a mother."
"We don't list "mother" as an occupation..."housewife" covers it," said the recorder emphatically.
I forgot all about her story until one day I found myself in the same situation, this time at our own Town Hall. The Clerk was obviously a career woman, poised, efficient, and possessed of a high-sounding title, like "Official Interrogator" or "Town Registrar."
"And what is your occupation?" she probed.
What made me say it, I do not know. The words simply popped out. "I'm....a Research Associate in the field of Child Development and Human Relations."
The clerk paused, ball-point pen frozen in midair, and looked up as though she had not heard right. I repeated the title slowly, emphasizing the most significant words. Then I stared with wonder as my pompous pronouncement was written in bold, black ink on the official questionnaire.
"Might I ask," said the clerk with new interest, "just what you do in your field?"
Coolly, without any trace of fluster in my voice, I heard myself reply, "I have a continuing program of research (what mother doesn't) in the laboratory and in the field (normally I would have said indoors and out). I'm working for my Masters (the whole darned family) and already have four credits (all daughters).
Of course, the job is one of the most demanding in the humanities (any mother care to disagree?) and I often work 14 hours a day (24 is more like it). But the job is more challenging than most run-of-the-mill careers and the rewards are in satisfaction rather than just money."
There was an increasing note of respect in the clerk's voice as she completed the form, stood up, and personally ushered me to the door.
As I drove into our driveway buoyed up by my glamorous new career, I was greeted by my lab assistants---age 13, 7, and 3. And upstairs, I could hear our new experimental model (six months) in the child-development program, testing out a new vocal pattern.
I felt triumphant. I had scored a beat on bureaucracy. And I had gone down on the official records as someone more distinguished and indispensable to mankind than "just another......"
Home...what a glorious career. Especially when there's a title on the door.
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Nancy Does Windows - Windows 95/98 Tips
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White Weddings Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the color of happiness and today is the happiest day of her life," her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple. The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So, why's the groom wearing black?" |
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The English Lesson We'll begin with box, and the plural is boxes; But the plural of ox should be oxen, not oxes. Then one fowl is goose, but two are called geese Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a whole lot of mice, But the plural of house is houses, not hice. If the plural of man is always called men, Why couldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
The cow in the plural may be cows or kine, But the plural of vow is vows, not vine. And I speak of a foot, and you show me your feet, But I give a boot - would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth, Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth? If the singular is this and plural is these, Why shouldn't the plural of kiss be nicknamed kese?
Then one may be that, and three may be those, Yet the plural of hat would never be hose; We speak of a brother, and also of brethren, But though we say mother, we never say methren.
The masculine pronouns are he, his and him, But imagine the feminine she, shis, and shim! So our English, I think you will all agree, Is the trickiest language you ever did see.
I take it you already know Of tough and bough and cough and dough? Others may stumble, but not you On hiccough, thorough, slough, and through?
Well done! And now you wish, perhaps To learn of less familiar traps? Beware of heard, a dreadful word That looks like beard and sounds like bird.
And dead; it's said like bed, not bead; For goodness sake, don't call it deed! Watch out for meat and great and threat, (they rhyme with suite and straight and debt)
A moth is not a moth in mother. Nor both in bother, broth in brother. And here is not a match for there. And dear and fear for bear and pear.
And then there's dose and rose and lose -- Just look them up -- and goose and choose. And cork and work and card and ward, And font and front and word and sword.
And do and go, then thwart and cart. Come, come, I've hardly made a start.
A dreadful language? Man alive, I'd learned to speak it when I was five,
And yet to write it, the more I sigh, I'll not learn how 'till the day I die. . |
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Tips from Martha Stewart: NOT !
Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know.
Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb.
Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.
Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting polish should be selected.)
If a person is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down their throat and presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.
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Do you want all of the BEST coupons, savings, and freebies from the Internet? If the answer is YES, you need to download the ValuePASS Super Saving Software. It takes only a few seconds to download, and it can save you hundreds of dollars. Click Here to download FREE: |
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Subject: Cooking Terms
:Tongue: A variety of meat, rarely served because it clearly crosses the line between a cut of beef and a piece of dead cow.
:Yogurt: Semisolid dairy product made from partially evaporated and fermented milk. Yogurt is one of only three foods that taste exactly the same as they sound. The other two are goulash and squid.
:Recipe: A series of step-by-step instructions for preparing ingredients you forgot to buy, in utensils you don't own, to make a dish the dog won't eat.
:Porridge: Thick oatmeal rarely found on American tables since children were granted the right to sue their parents. The name is anamalgamation of the words "Putrid," "hORRId," and "sluDGE.
:"Preheat: To turn on the heat in an oven for a period of time before cooking a dish, so that the fingers may be burned when the food is put in, as well as when it is removed.
:Oven: Compact home incinerator used for disposing of bulky pieces of meat and poultry.
:Microwave Oven: Space-age kitchen appliance that uses the principle of radar to locate and immediately destroy any food placed within the cooking compartment.
:Calorie: Basic measure of the amount of rationalization offered by the average individual prior to taking a second helping of a particular food.
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