Issue #120
Issue #120
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Hello ,
I want to take a moment to thank all of you that are sending me e-mail with jokes, pictures and homepages ...ect to use in the newsletter and on the site. (othrrggrs@aol.com)
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Noah's Ark -- Mommy & Me's virtual zoo
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As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices:
take it, or leave it.
--Buddy Hackett
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Age Humor
I bought some of that "Gingkori" that’s supposed to improve your memory, but I forgot where I put it.
You don’t know real embarrassment until your hip sets off a metal detector.
You know you’re getting older when you bend over in the morning to tie your shoes and realize you didn’t take them off the night before.
The biggest disadvantage of old age is that you can't outgrow it.
The most frustrating thing about getting older is that every time you see an expensive antique, you remember one just like it you once threw away.
She's getting crows feet around her eyes. And I'll tell you, that crow has big feet!
Let's face it, traveling just isn't as much fun when all the historical sites are younger than you are.
You know you're past your prime when every time you suck in your gut, your ankles swell.
I don't like to do things now that I did 20 years ago–like look in the mirror.
I'm middle-age, middle-class, and middle-of-the-road. I feel like that white stuff in the middle of an Oreo.
Heck, I don't feel a day older than I did a hundred years ago.
Sometimes I feel old enough to be my own father.
I'm suffering from Mallzheimer's disease. I go to the mall and forget where I parked my car.
You know you're past your prime when you start getting air-guitar elbow.
Age always corresponds inversely to the size of your multi-vitamin.
My neighbors have been married for 60 years. They look like identical twins. One of them wears a dress. I don't know which one.
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After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for my birthday. What do you think it means?"
"You'll know tonight." he said.
That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it - to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams"
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Checking Meters
Two gas company servicemen, a training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood.
They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.
Finishing the meter check, the supervisor challenged his younger co-worker to a footrace down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.
As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from the last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. Naturally, they stopped and asked her what was wrong.
Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two gas men running as hard as you two were, I just knew I'd better run too!"
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| Many many years ago when I was twenty three,
I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be.
This widow had a grown-up daughter Who had hair of red. My father fell in love with her, And soon the two were wed.
This made my dad my son-in-law And changed my very life. My daughter was my mother, For she was my father's wife.
To complicate the matters worse, Although it brought me joy, I soon became the father Of a bouncing baby boy.
My little baby then became A brother-in-law to dad. And so became my uncle, Though it made me very sad.
For if he was my uncle, Then that also made him brother To the widow's grown-up daughter Who, of course, was my step-mother.
Father's wife then had a son, Who kept them on the run. And he became my grandson, For he was my daughter's son.
My wife is now my mother's mother And it makes me blue. Because, although she is my wife, She's my grandmother too.
If my wife is my grandmother, Then I am her grandchild. And every time I think of it, It simply drives me wild.
For now I have become The strangest case you ever saw. As the husband of my grandmother, I am my own grandpa! |
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Actual Headlines
1. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies
2. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say
3. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
4. Drunks Get Nine Months in Violin Case
5. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
6. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
7. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
8. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
9. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
10. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
11. Clinton Wins Budget; More Lies Ahead
12. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
13. Miners Refuse to Work After Death
14. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
15. Stolen Painting Found by Tree
16. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
17. War Dims Hope for Peace
18. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
19. Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
20. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
21. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
22. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Space
23. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
24. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
25. Typhoon Rips through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
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Spell Checkers
Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.
Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.
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Q: What is the difference between an Onion and a Bagpipe?
A: No one cries when you chop up a Bagpipe!
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Three Turtles
Three turtles, Joe, Steve, and Raymond, decide to go on a picnic. So Joe packs the picnic basket with cookies, bottled sodas, and sandwiches. The trouble is, the picnic site is 10 miles away, so the turtles take 10 whole days to get there. By the time they do arrive, everyone's exhausted.
Joe takes the stuff out of the basket, one by one. He takes out the sodas and says, 'Alright, Steve, gimme the bottle opener.'
'I didn't bring the bottle opener,' Steve says. 'I thought you packed it.'Joe gets worried. He turns to Raymond. 'Raymond, do you have the bottle opener?'
Naturally, Raymond doesn't have it, so the turtles are stuck ten miles away from home without soda. Joe & Steve beg Raymond to turn back home and retrieve it, but Raymond flatly refuses, knowing that they'll eat everything by the time he gets back.
After about two hours, the turtles manage to convince Raymond to go, swearing on their great-grand turtles' graves that they
won't touch the food.
So, Raymond sets off down the road, slow and steadily. Twenty
days pass, but no Raymond. Joe and Steve are hungry and
puzzled, but a promise is a promise.
Another day passes, and still no Raymond, but a promise is a
promise. After three more days pass without Raymond in sight,
Steve starts getting restless. 'I NEED FOOD!' he says with a
hint of dementia in his voice.
'NO!' Joe retorts. 'We promised.'
Five more days pass. Joe realizes that Raymond probably
skipped out to the diner down the road, so the two turtles
weakly lift the lid, get a sandwich, and open their mouths to
eat.
But then, right at that instant, Raymond pops out from behind
a rock, and says, 'Just for that, I'm not going.'
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Why Firemen Use Dalmations!
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog.
The children fell to discussing the dog's duties.
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"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.
"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."
A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."
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IN THE BACKWOODS OF LOUISIANA, A STATE TROOPER PULLS
OVER A PICKUP TRUCK. HE GETS OUT AND ASKS, "GOT ANY ID ?"
THE MAN SAYS, "BOUT WHAT ?"
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The U.S. Food and Drug Administration makes a great deal of information on prescription drugs available to the public through its Web site. The Drug Information page contains some links to articles about newly approved drugs, as well as a long list of links to other resources. If you just want to check on a particular medication, however, scroll through that list and click the Search button. The search form allows you to search either the entire FDA site or particular sources, such as the FDA Consumer magazine or the National Center for Toxicology Research.
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Q. What do you get when you mix 50 pigs with 50 deer?
A. A Hundred Sows'n'Bucks
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*****Your participation is Needed!!!!!
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Did you know?
The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.
There's no Betty Rubble in Flintstones Chewable Vitamins.
It's impossible to get water out of a rimless tire.
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
Did you know that you are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a poisonous spider?
In Minnesota it is illegal to cross state lines with a duck on your head.
In Indiana it is illegal to ride public transportation for at least 30 minutes after eating garlic.
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.
A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
Polar bears are left-handed.
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Oxymoronic Sayings that people say
when they say the stupidest things
Some people say that I'm superficial, but that's just on the surface.
On one hand, I'm indecisive; but on the other, I'm not.
If there's one thing I can't stand, it's intolerance.
The world's full of apathy, but I don't care.
Perspective is in the eye of the beholder.
Prejudiced people are all alike.
What is the probability that something will happen according to the odds?
Exaggeration is not all it's cracked up to be.
Evil is not all bad.
I'm still not sure if I understand ambiguity.
Always be on the lookout for conspicuousness.
There's no such thing as nonexistance.
Cooperation can only be reached if we work together.
As far as I'm concerned, treachery will sometimes bring loyalty into question.
He doesn't have much of a reputation, or so I've heard.
I disagree with unanimity.
I have my doubts about disbelief.
Avoid Alliteration. Always.
Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
One should never generalize.
Avoid cliches like the plague.
Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
I have a twin brother; he's identical, but I'm not.
Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
Death to all fanatics!
An oral contract isn't worth the paper its written on. -- Sam Goldwyn
If we do not succeed, we run the risk of failure. -VP Dan Quayle
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous!
I always wanted to be a procrastinator!
Rehab is for quitters!
The shortest distance between two points is how far apart they are.
Don't be redundant by repeating yourself.
Grammar has gots to be one of the most importantest things ever?
My identity lies in not knowing who I am.
I am becoming increasingly worried that there isn't enough anxiety in my life.
I have this nagging fear that everyone is out to make me paranoid.
Free advice is worth what you paid for it.
Entropy just isn't what it used to be.
I keep telling myself that I am a pathological liar, but I am not sure if I believe it.
Not only am I redundant & superfluous, but I also tend to use more words than necessary.
There are only three kinds of people; people who can count and people who can't.
Reality is a big, nasty, vicious dragon, but I don't believe in dragons.
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MONEY ISN'T EVERYTHING
Money can buy a house
but not a home.
Money can buy a bed
but not sleep.
Money can buy a clock
but not time.
Money can buy a book
but not knowledge.
Money can buy food
but not an appetite.
Money can buy position
but not respect.
Money can buy blood
but not life.
Money can buy medicine
but not health.
Money can buy sex
but not love.
Money can buy insurance
but not safety.
You see, money is not everything.
Therefore, if you have too much,
please give some to me
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